I will never be

the daughter who don't disappoint
the friend who's loved
the girlfriend who's sensible

This major feeling of failure is just so overwhelming, especially on an occasion like this.

I've always felt like the loser friend, the one who's average at everything, the fat and ugly one. Maybe the reason why I don't value big celebrations is because I know it'll suck all the same in the end. My birthday, Christmas, and all the other dates. They just suck. Because they show me how much I mean to everybody who I hold close to my heart.

To new adventures.

So I've decided on my game plan for life like a few days back and tomorrow, the long step 1 is going to take place. I'm nervous cause I have no idea what to expect but I'm excited because I get to learn new things again and hopefully, I'll make it through for this one year and yeah, save save save. Oh! I'm scared too because I'll have so many firsts again. Oh well.

Dim.

I'm so fickle about my future and it's really scary because it feels like I'm running out of time to figure out what I want to do.

Random

I just love the Victoria Secret Fashion Show.. like really, I love everything about it. The whole concept, the different segments, the way everybody's dressed on the runways, the awesome soundtracks that seems so appropriate for that segment and so on.

And the fact that they have been doing the show for years just amazes me.

What I hate

The fact that I'm so pampered that my biggest problem right now is me  wanting to just fast forward the next 10-20 years of my life because I am so damn sick of trying to figure out what I want to be in the future when there are so much more other problems that's bigger than this.

But the fact that I actually realize that I'm pampered, means something, don't it?

But honestly, fast forward please.

Hi

I'm getting fat, and that makes me sad.

Goodbye October.

October this year has been bittersweet for me. Though I was going to HK for a holiday but the two days before that was horrible. I had to make a choice between two options which were both neither right nor wrong, and both of which would make me feel really bad in the end. Ahh.. up till now, I really hope that I won't regret the choice I've made and that nothing else would happen from there.

But on a happier note, HK was really good, sort of like a well-deserved break from working like a dog. It's kind of sad that I couldn't get to shop much because it was going to be winter soon so everything's pretty much thick and long sleeved which is like a big no-no for Singapore's weather. Highlight of the trip was when baby surprised me with a pretty bouquet and a bottle of Moscato (which I only had 3 sips) on the second night as a belated birthday gift. Heh

I'm pretty much slacking at this point of time and erm... currently, what's on my mind is the black Iphone 5s. Ha ha ha, let's hope I get what I want this time.

Ps

You're my favourite.

But you won't know a thing.

Realizing.

I'm just starting to realize those who are true, and those who you can just.. yknow, forget? But yeah, it works both ways, so I'm guessing if I'm feeling this way from them then they might be feeling this way from me. But I'm so tired of keeping in touch with people who won't even remember you to start with and those who I've bothered to stay in touch with.. it just hurts to see that they won't even do the same to you. So yeah, that's it. But I'm not upset or anything, I'm just relieved to finally be feeling this way. Trust me to even feel guilty for such people.

Anyways, been really happy lately and I can always tell that by the amount of food I'm eating. Always bloated! Life's always good when food's good and when you have such an awesome companion beside you. Feeling really contented.

And I'm looking forward to my 21st though I'm not having a party or whatever fanciful way of celebrating (c'mon it's just another birthday), but it's the company that matters. Family and you. That's all I need. And a nice holiday with good food and hopefully good shopping! Ahhh, I can't wait.

Ps, doing this transcript, listening to this Eurasian guy talk about how far Singapore have come since the Japanese occupation really makes me proud to be a Singaporean. So blessed to have such great forefathers and leaders who have fought well to make Singapore the place it is now. To trust people nowadays are complaining about how trains are slow and blah blah blah, imagine last time when they had to take long walks to get to their destinations? It's kinda sad to see how privileged people are noawadays and then, them taking it ALL for granted. But oh well, life isn't always fair.

Must.

My train of thoughts have been really messy lately, can't seem to focus at all. It's so bad that I have to keep writing lists to remind myself and reorganize everything. The fact that my phone dies like within 2 hours is not helping either.

And you baby, I'm glad that I've found you.

I heard what you said. I’m not the silly romantic you think. I don’t want the heavens or the shooting stars. I don’t want gemstones or gold. I have those things already. I want.. a steady hand. A kind soul. I want to fall asleep, and wake, knowing my heart is safe. I want to love, and be loved.

Realize.

Don't be a bitch.

Want.

I just want to laze at the beach in my bikini, with good music, a nice book to read, alongside with some fattening snacks.

Oh and yeah, pints and pints of apple sourz with sprite.

That'll be a good vacation.

/ I hate you so much that all I want to do is curse you but I know if I see you around, all I want to do is be close to you. Stupidity at its highest.

Expectations.

They are just dangerous, both to have and to give.

/ I'm no one special, just another wide-eyed girl, who's desperately in love with you.

Marianna Paige

That's just how life is, I guess. You have your first sip of liquor and it tastes good or bad or wonderful or disgusting. It depends on your tastes. Either way, it burns your throat. But always the taste fades. Another sip, another bottle. Sooner or later it just tastes like nothing. That's how life is. A new pair of shoes, how exciting. A few months later laying forgotten at the bottom of your closet. A new phone - you'll protect it with your life at first but then one day you'll drop it and it won't matter, you'll just shrug it off. It's like that with everything. "I love you I love you I love you" and soon enough, it doesn't mean anything. Like drinking vodka and tasting water.

Sometimes the entire world breaks and I wish I had known that the broken things are not ugly. I wish I had known that the cracks and empty spaces are dangerous and the only way to avoid them is to cling to the broken things.

It's so much easier to be mad at you than it is to admit that maybe I'm the one to blame for the way we ended up. I'm all for preserving the truth but just this once I'd rather live in the delusion that this was all your fault. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if it were any other way. I need to be mad at you in order to stay sane. I'm so sorry. But I hope you're sorry too.

I don't like causing a scene. I don't want to make a big deal out of it. I want to go out with little more than a whisper, I don't want to leave a trace. I don't want to hurt anyone by leaving but I don't want to keep hurting myself by staying. Sometimes I'm still amazed by the fact that I exist. I exist, I exist. And it scares me. I keep forgetting that I only have one life, this is my only chance to do everything in the world. I've already messed up so much and I'm scared to take another step. Most of the time I just want to get away from myself, put my body on auto-pilot and get away for a while. I don't want to make a big deal out of it. I just want to disappear. Cease the whirlwind madness of my life, let go of my death grip on existence. Whisper goodbye and be gone. 

To me, what makes a good writer is that they can write about feelings and emotions that you didn't know existed in you and bring out the thoughts that you've always been feeling but can't really explain.

/

Just ordered $140 worth of clothes today. I sincerely hope they all fits and I will wear them at least once and not let them rot in my closet like the other new clothes. Somehow I seek comfort in familiarity and it's not always comforting. An example - my Blackberry, it is familiar but fucking disappointing. 

Untouchable

Saw an old customer from Green Yoga yesterday at the bar. I was quite shocked until I saw you. My heart literally skipped a beat and then it started beating really fast. You, who came to find me because you said you missed me. You, whose words I can't trust anymore. You, who fed me so many honeyed words and lies. You, who I have the highest tolerance level for. I don't know what to do with you anymore. You're like this flame that burns me every time I get too close, yet me being the moth that I am, can't help but fly towards your direction. Maybe you should leave me alone because I know if you keep this up, I'd cave and become the pathetic fool like I was. And because every time I see you, my head and heart goes to war and it always leaves me feeling helpless as fuck.

Most of the time, I just feel like being alone because when in a crowd, all I feel is alone. Alone, A lone. That's why I choose to be alone. It hurts less when you know the only thing that's killing you is yourself.

On a lighter note, sometimes daddy likes to do things that really surprises me and make me love him even more. Today I decided to take some time alone and ran some errands at JP. Since I was heading out, I was tasked with buying dinner for sis and dad. Wanted to be sweet so I paid for their food and really wasn't expecting to get money back. Even though I ran out of cash right before buying dad's dinner, I just stood in front of the stall calculating how much I need and how much I have and realised I was short of 10 cents. Damn.. Okay when I was like eating in the living, dad shove me $20 and said it's for the dinner so I told him it's okay and he insisted. I know it's nothing but it made me feel loved.

And what else.. Oh right. Got a brand new coloursplash for free cause it's still under warranty. ^^

Bottomline

We are all alone.

No exceptions.

Lights

Asked Daddy yesterday if he knew where the chewable vitamin C's were and he said he took them to his office and asked me if I wanted it. I told him I was just wondering and today when I got home, I saw them at the counter.

Daddy's the one who gives me faith that I'll find someone who will only try to be as good as him and strength to not settle for some bullshit asshole like him.

Caught Wolverine today. Not going to spoil it for anyone but he's such a sexy beast and I'm sure everybody knows it. How painful it must be, to be the one always being left behind. Char and Yal, if you girls ever see this, I'm going to miss you two so much next year.

Marianna Paige

"I regret that it took you breaking my heart for me to realise that. I don't want you to come back. I want to let you go."

Bingo.

Zoo 13

A picture to even out the sadness in this blog.

// Another case of how lame I am is when I went to do my stuff for a while, leaving my phone to charge and after quite some time, I went to check on my phone and realised nobody actually replied me or whatever and I got like upset but I told myself okay whatever don't care then at around 11plus, I received like everybody's reply and then realised it's just whatsapp's being dumb and I became happy like I feel like I'm not a loser who's just bugging everybody. Ha... such a long paragraph to describe how lame I can get.

/// Today's such a good day I swear. Realised that my current favourite writer replied me. Fan girl alert. And she's younger than me. Ahhhh sometimes I wish I had the ability to fluently string words together. Such a beautiful gift.

//

I want my bracelet back but I don't want to see you anymore.

I'm attracted to people who writes, who really writes exceptionally well. They who write thought provoking paragraphs, nicely strung words. You on the other hand, are the laziest when it comes to writing. But I'm so attracted. Damn.

Sunday Sadness #2

And then you realise, those you call friends, are nobody at all.

You realise you can give all you want, all that you can, but in the end, it's what you get back that matters because all that giving is just going to leave you empty.

/ So beautifully written.

Watch it burn.

Every time I have something/someone that/who I want, there is no doubt that I won't get it/them. Funny how that's not funny at all.

Anyways, made another video for the cool cats.

Click click

Phuket '13

Painstakingly made this travelogue of when we were in Phuket in April over the span of 6 hours max. 3-4 hours of editing plus 2 hours of uploading together with 3 months of procrastination, I present to you 9 minutes of Phuket goodness! Do take a look, I guarantee it'll make you laugh.

Click!

/

Yeah, scratch whatever I said. My mind's dumb too.

I'd lie.

Every time somebody tells me you deserve better.. I just wonder if that's the truth or just comfort words that we're so accustomed to say. "You deserve better." Really? Who's to decide if anybody really deserves better? What if, honestly, adding up the sum of your character, your good deeds and whatever else, the best you deserve is that asshole that you're trying to let go?

Most often I find my heart weak, tempted by the sweet-talker and always giving in to the undeserved. I realize the only solution is to keep my mind strong and focused, to protect the weak heart. But y'know.. the heart wants what the heart wants.

"I really don't know what you want"
"Neither do I"

What's wrong with me?

I've always hated crying, because that's the only time I feel so fucking weak. Being in soccer for the most part of my teenage years, I've been taught to be strong, mentally so you could endure it psychically too. But nowadays, it just feels like whatever I've been taught growing up has been thrown away and I'm this new crybaby who just want to stay home on my couch and cry all the time.

I'm better than this. I am, I am, I am.

Mudpie.

Doubt you'll see this but thank you for making me realize what I want in a guy. :)

To my beloved Dad

Happy 50th Birthday Daddy Dearest. You have always been the absolute best man in my life and forever you will be. Don't worry, I'll do you proud. <3

You're not sorry.

Discard whatever judgement you have of Taylor Swift and listen carefully to the lyrics of this song. Because if you understood the lyrics, you'd understand what I'm feeling right now. Emotional Sunday at it's best. Everything was great this weekend, till you came into the equation. I know, I know, it hurts because you let it hurt you. I apologize for being weak-minded and always giving in to my sadness.

To a better week.

You've got the love

I think I've been too comfortable with my current situation, and maybe it's the way I was brought up. Always being sheltered with the basics thus causing me to never worry about future, instead I was just happy living in the moment and carefree enough to have really unpractical dreams. So after I graduated, reality hits me hard with many questions about my future; of what I'd like to do, who I'd want to be and most importantly, could I find something that I'd like to do for a long time and support myself while doing it?

I've been having these thoughts in my head, that I need to find a job that has a healthy balance of practicality and passion otherwise I'd never last more than 3 months doing it. Because of this requirement, I've diminished quite a few number of jobs in my head, leaving me back to square 1 - nothing. And lately, I've been quite enthusiastic about making a future for myself. Like I really want to be successful and provide for my parents. And then a few days later, I'd just be content with being a part time waitress (yes, that's who I am right now at this stage of my life and I'm honestly okay with it because who can say that they could balance 3 long plates of dessert with ice cream on it and carry them through crowds of rude people who just can't move despite the numerous 'excuse me'?). But no, I have to keep feeling the urgency that I ain't getting any younger and I have to find something that I'm passionate about or at least, something that I feel okay doing and most importantly, something that pays the bills.

On a complete irrelevant note, I'd really like to have a nice slender body so I'd look better in my clothes. I'll start exercising when my period's over. In need of a really good swim and tan because I've been looking a little too fair lately.

Oh, and I'm so excited about the aquarium trip that we're (my family) doing tomorrow. It's sort of an elated birthday celebration (I think) for daddy who's turning the big 5-0.

How's this for an update? Have a good weekend guys.

Summertime Sadness

I miss everything, back when I belonged.

Don't ever listen to Lana Del Rey or Adele, you will fucking cry.

It's you, it's you, it's all for you

/ Don't know what's the matter with me today, or why I've been getting so emotional every Sunday. Been crying a lot today, it's just this certain feeling of sadness that I can't explain. Maybe it's because of the realization that my future, or rather lack of it, is rather bleak at the moment. Or maybe it's because of all the people who I miss who can't come back anymore. Most days now, it just feels like I don't know anybody anymore, that maybe they've changed or I just didn't know them well enough in the first place. The fact that it might be true scares me. And I don't know, what in the world, am I doing right now.

/

Let me do this by myself. Let me find me, then I'll find you. Let me become better, stronger and wiser. Let me not be a burden to anybody. Let me be me.

When I'm gone

I am really, really, really tired of this.

7) If someone can't make the effort to be in your life - they don't deserve to be there.

What if I still want them there? What if I've already put in the effort but they still can't meet me halfway? What if I keep trying to see if they'll stay? What if there's more than one of them leaving?

Yeah, I'm tired of this, so freaking tired but somehow it doesn't stop me from feeling it.

You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone
You’re gonna miss me by my walk
You’re gonna miss me by my talk, oh
You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone

At times.

Right now there's this very strong feeling that I have, that is to go back to a certain time where everything was fine. Not great, not bad, just.. fine. You might say but if you wanna change things back then, you wouldn't be who you are right now. And to that, I'll say yes that is exactly my point.

I am honestly just disgusted with myself right now. From my feelings to my thoughts to the way I behave. I have no idea who I am and who I want to be. I hate being jealous of people but that's how I feel nowadays, just wanting what they have. Then it's being disgusted with myself for not having that sense of urgency to do things that are important to me. Right after which, I'll just feel lost because it's been this way ever since graduation, stagnant as fuck.

Wake up, it's time to move on.

My 10 days stint

Meet Junior. She's a Japanese Chin who's very cat-liked, napping and stretching nonstop. A little pervertic with those big eyes which are so unbalanced. She's always poking her nose into everything and likes to follow me around to see what I'm doing. Super tamed and cute. I think I'm going to miss her more than Mango, the Yorkshire Terrier that I'm also taking care of. Mango's like the complete opposite of Junior. Super naughty, pees and shits wherever unless I bring her down in time. But still, I'm going to miss the way they both jump to lie down beside me when I'm napping at the couch. The way they pay so much attention to me no matter what I'm doing. The way they follow me around as though I'm going to do something important. The way they accompany me which makes me feel like I'm not alone.

They're leaving on the 10th and I can't wait to get my freedom back.

Word.

I’m never gonna wait
that extra twenty minutes
to text you back,
and I’m never gonna play
hard to get
when I know your life
has been hard enough already.
When we all know everyone’s life
has been hard enough already
it’s hard to watch
the game we make of love,
like everyone’s playing checkers
with their scars,
saying checkmate
whenever they get out
without a broken heart.
Just to be clear
I don’t want to get out
without a broken heart.
I intend to leave this life
so shattered
there’s gonna have to be
a thousand separate heavens
for all of my flying parts.

— Andrea Gibson

Irony.

Funny how we keep doing those things that's supposed to bring us closer yet I don't even know you.

Funny it's not even funny.

Suck it up.

Sometimes when shit happens, that's the moment when I really wish I didn't exist so I wouldn't have to deal with the emotions that follows.

But no, that's just not the way it works.

I know.

If they don’t need you, it’s okay. You do not live for other people.
— Kyo

I know this isn't the path for me, I know we are supposed to let some things/people go, I know, I know, I know.

Well, I would really like to indulge in some comfort food but I can't because of this bitch of a sore throat. I would really like to just give it a good cry but it's honestly funny how fucked my life is right now.

Oh well.

black & white

if you’re laying in bed
wrapped up in sheets
of miserable thought,
go to sleep

if thumbing through old messages
only causes your heart to ache
and long for something unattainable
erase them

if it hurts to keep
everything you’re feeling
bottled up inside
let it out

if you’re clinging onto someone
that doesn’t treat you like
you’re worth the world
let them go

because sometimes
we choose to believe
that things are only
indistinguishable shades of gray
when in reality,
life is more black and white
than it seems

if you’re unhappy
with the way
you are living your life
change it

Madisen Kuhn 

What you allow is what will continue.

Received a bad news on Friday which I believe is life-changing but that moment has already passed and I am 90% convinced that I'm over it now so I'm not going to dwell on it. Honestly though, it affected me really badly on that night itself that I really felt worthless and useless. But I guess I gotta be a little more positive and just believe in that when one door closes, another opens logic.

Had a good weekend, met people who I want to see, and had Grandpa's birthday dinner. Food's good and when food's good, life's good. Oh! Mum bought me a denim vest too, was sort of searching for a denim outwear but I really don't look well in the bulky denim jacket so I settled for a cute vest. Then I got myself this lovely evil eye bracelet, a high five bracelet and this cool skull bracelet for sis' 22nd birthday next month.

Been really lucky to find David Levithan's books at the library. I'm so happy that they stock their books because his words are so magical. Forgive me for being cheesy. Managed to find Simon van Booy's Everything Beautiful Began After as well. So I've been really immersing myself in a world full of pretty well strung together words and it feels really nice.

I've never believed that anybody would turn back and glance at me but that's what you did. I've never been the kind who enjoys the moment and not over think about the future. I just know that right now, you are for me. Not perfect; not right; not anything but just, for me.

Poem

I can be;
Tell me, do you want a Monday morning coffee with a kiss on the cheek; because that I can be.
Tell me, do you want a Tuesday afternoon sunrise with unbroken silence; because that I can be.
Tell me, do you want a Wednesday noon tea with chatter to fill the quiet; because that I can be.
Tell me, do you want a Thursday evening walk by the beach with a hand to hold; because that I can be.
Tell me, do you want a Friday night cheek to kiss with a sweet goodnight; because that I can be.
Tell me, do you want a Saturday morning face to awake to with a smile to accompany it; because that I can be.
Tell me, do you want a Sunday afternoon stroll through the park with a heart to call your own; because that I can be.

Julie Martinez

/

Miss someone until they come back, or until you come back, until their absence in your life becomes something to be avoided at all costs. Miss them until you don’t have to anymore, until you’re reunited in your favorite booth in your favorite restaurant ordering your favorite meal, miss them until it feels like you never left. Or miss them until you can’t anymore, until the things you miss are identified and cataloged as things and not a person, until you figure out that easy company and long talks and unblinking, all-knowing eye contact will find you again the way they found you the first time. Miss someone until you don’t.
— Stephanie Georgopulus

Mother's Day.

I had a really great Mother's Day celebration today. Went to Jerry's at Club Street with la familia for lunch then spent the rest of the afternoon with Grandma from Dad's side and then dinner with Grandma from Mum's side. Though I know I look grumpy most of the time because of the food coma that I keep suppressing but I really enjoyed my day with them three.

And Dear Mum,
Thank you so much for everything you've done. We might not be the closest but I know you'll be willing to hear whatever I have to say. Thank you for putting up with my petty and messy personality all the time. Thank you for doing the chores even though I know you're tired (ok sorry). Thank you for always being there with advices that I should take. Thank you for trusting me and giving me so much freedom. Thank you for being such a cool mum. Would never exchange you for any other mum in the world. I love you and always will.

And you,
Sometimes I just want to move on so badly then just like that, I find myself missing you and wanting you more than anything I've ever wanted. You always put my emotions on the two extreme poles and I just have no idea what to do. I keep wondering if I can really do this with you then decide against it because I know I'm so emotionally weak, that it is just going to be destructive. I just hate the effect you have on me.

/ edit
I think I know what I'm supposed to do now but okay, we'll see.

Better than me

"I think you can do much better than me, after all the lies that I've made you believe"
- Better Than Me, Hinder

I think all that you're trying to do now is staying far away, keeping your distance cause you don't want to hurt me anymore than you are and maybe this is the only one good thing you've been doing ever since I knew you. So in all good sense, all I should do now is let you do that, right? But it just feels like I'm noticing your absence more than anything in the world and that all I can think of nowadays is just you. You, you you and more of you. I'm sick of being patient and waiting for time to do its job.

I just want to erase you out of my mind and for me to stop doing stupid things that brings me right back to that square one.

Just one.

After A While

Stumbled onto Jorge Luis Borges' poem, "After A While", and I'm in love with it. Especially with these two lines;
  
"So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers."

I've always been finding affection, I wouldn't dare say love because I know love's too strong a word, in the wrong places. In people who made me feel unworthy, because I had to give so much of myself to earn their attention. Right now, I just want to love myself, treat myself the best, get to know myself more, know what I want and what's best for me before I start hopping on to the wrong person again.

Okay, so Tuesday night saw me welcoming 1st of May with the worst hangover I've ever had. Courtesy of downing 9 tequila shots in the span of 3 hours, self inflicted pain but still.. I had a great time with my people. Aftermath was not so great but oh well. Have never had such bad hangover before so I didn't really know what to do, but carried on with my initial plans of meeting Jia for lunch for some sinful Popeyes. I would say that fried chicken made me feel better but really, it was after puking thrice then did I really feel better. But up till now, I still feel some tequila churning in my tummy. Vacuumed the house, kept the clean clothes and packed up the living room's table today so Mum doesn't really have to work too hard when she comes back tomorrow. Anyways, I really can't wait when they come back from Europe tomorrow, it feels like Christmas Eve when you go to bed excited because of all the presents you get to open on Christmas itself!

So.. I'll just leave you guys with this quote that I relate to very much. Just know that being weak is fine, relapsing is fine, looking back is fine, as long as you continue to move on.

You deserve to know that moments of weakness do not make you fundamentally weak, only fundamentally human, and that sometimes we’re not going to be effusively happy, and that is okay.
— Chelsea Fagan, "What You Deserve"

Heart & Mind.

It's been almost a week since I'm back from Phuket with Xinyi. It was a nice trip, spending our afternoons at the beach everyday, doing activities we would never get a chance to do in Singapore and the adventures we've had were so priceless. Even picked out 5 cheap books from this bookstore that I've research upon in Phuket, but I've already finished them all within this week.

Been working ever since I came back and work's okay. Won't say it's good yet because I realized that I've made a mistake, regardless a major/minor one, almost everyday and I shouldn't be. :/ Mum and dad are away in Europe for their holiday and I miss them. Though it's not the first time they've been away but it always feels weird without them at home.

I really hate it, how sometimes when I've already made up my mind, when it is dead set, when I've already have a target and am focused on it, then shit happens and fucks things up. Now I'm back to thinking this and that, which is definitely not helping me at all. I hate this feeling. All I wanted was someone who can be nice and true to me. That is fucking all. It's not that hard right? Wrong.

“Even when I detach, I care. You can be separate from a thing and still care about it. If I wanted to detach completely, I would move my body away. I would stop the conversation midsentence. I would leave the bed. Instead, I hover over it for a second. I glance off in another direction. But I always glance back at you.”
- David Levithan, The Lover's Dictionary

Happy days

The perks of having like 6 bikinis is so that you can swim more than twice a day. Supposedly 6 times because 6 bikinis right? But I'm not that hardcore. After a really scary swim-photo session with xinyi, went for a feast at pizza hut and I'm going for japanese hot-pot buffet with wati tomorrow. My life motto right now is life's good when food's good and in my case, the food's always good. And sometimes expensive.

And I just created instagram on my dad's ipad, so please try not to follow me cause I won't be uploading anything. I just wanna save my name in case someone else wants to use it (haha) and like just look at pictures when I'm bored.

This post is lame but I just want to remember today because it was a happy one and I wish for more to come. :)

Contentment.

I have no idea why I broke down last night, maybe it was because I was finally coming to terms with what's happening currently but I had a pretty good day today. Honestly, yesterday was also a good day. I suck at being contented with everything in general.

Went for soccer today, and most possibly the last soccer training I'd attend in the months to come but it was good. I really, really miss soccer. Then dad came to pick me up with the rest of the family and basically we feasted at one of my favorite restaurant. Bought bubble tea home (to satisfy my craving) and mum pointed out how much junk food I've been having this week. Okay, but seriously.. I had ice cream everyday except for today and hopefully tomorrow and bubble tea twice yesterday and once today. It's bad right? I didn't even have much proper meals. Okay well then I spent the rest of my day just lazing around at home and finally got an answer from him. Right now, it's just up to me to follow through with my plans. So yeah, today was just a good day in general.

And then I started thinking about how lucky I am my whole life. I've originally typed out the things that I felt lucky for but deleted all of them because I sound really bratty but just..
I love you dad for being simple-minded, teaching me that sometimes less is more and how important it is to have a big heart.
I love you mum for being really the coolest and slackest mum in the whole wide world and for trusting me to know my rights and wrongs.
I love you grandma for being so open minded despite your age, your care for me throughout the years and always loving me no matter how difficult I can be.
And lastly, I love you grandpa for showing me that you can be stubborn but loving and kind hearted and for giving me such a good father and grandma.

Don't.

All's good with the new workplace despite the location being a little far but well, it's surrounded with ice cream parlors so I guess it can't be that bad, just bad for my tummy.

I know it's bad to think like this but I just feel like I should prepare myself for the worst, because good things will never happen to me. Like I feel really sad that this is happening and I so sincerely wish that I could control it and stop it from happening but I can't. He won't be alright because he will be in a lot of pain but even if he isn't alright, it'll be alright because soon he'll be freed of that pain but we won't be alright and in fact, we will never be alright and I feel so damn scared. I can't be positive because the results will be negative then I'll just end up blaming myself for being positive when all along, I should have been negative.

I just want you guys to stay. Stay, don't leave. Stay. Please.

Stay. 

Faded

I hate it when I have no idea what I'm feeling. I'm not really sad, no. I'm not happy neither am I heartbroken. I completely have no idea what the hell I'm feeling and I'm not liking it. I don't feel at peace with my feelings, I just feel the need to mess everything up just so I can feel something but I know I'll regret it. It's just blah x infinity.

I just wish I could be with you and maybe that would make everything much better but I have no way of knowing. But I just wish I could. And it's killing me how much I'm wishing.

Daydreamer, with eyes that make you melt. He lends his coat for shelter, plus he's there for you when he shouldn't be. But he stays all the same, waits for you then sees you through. There's no way I could describe him, what I'll say is just what I'm hoping for.

Daydreamer, Adele.

/

Constantly being mind fucked by facts that I discover on my own.. doesn't help that it doesn't help me in any way at all, just lets me know that I'm so inferior in every single way. Blah.

You gotta just stop. Accept it and stop, just fucking stop. No, no, no. Just stop. I always say this but I always repeat the same damn mistake. Dumbass.

/

I grocery shop like I'm 10, except now I have more money and less self control. I eat like I'm 1, with pieces of food all over the surroundings of my plate. I listen like I'm 3, always manage to leave out certain parts people say.

But I'm 21 this year. I am supposed to be a teenager no more. I am supposed to know my goals in life, what I want to achieve and who I want to be in the future. I am supposed to be clear and focus on those things. I am supposed to be mature and independent.

Supposed to.

But I am not.

One of those nights

Sometimes it feels as though as I've successfully push away people who cares about me but it might be because there isn't any to start with and I'm starting to think it's the latter. Maybe it's the cider that's making me extra emotionally, or it might be because I think my period's going to come, or maybe for every good day/night you have, you get double the bad days/night. But it doesn't change the fact that I miss him and I hate myself for that.

/

There's always this moment, when I get up to use the bathroom and get back to my bed but it's so cold because of the air-conditioning and you pull the blankets to cover your entire body but still shiver because your blankets went cold because of the air-conditioning but you're fine with it because you know you will be okay, you will be warm soon enough and you will drift back to sleep.

That's how I feel right now. After a 2 hour long conversation with Xinyi, I actually feel better. Even though I have no clue on what I'm going to do but it feels like things will be okay, I will be okay soon enough. I will be okay. I will be okay. I will be okay. I just need to make this feeling last.

Break away from something more.

Melanie Martinez's covers are really awesome, check out her rendition of 'Bulletproof'. Her voice is just like.. angelic and there's this certain amount of rasp in it that balances out the sweetness.

Okay anyways, I really am quite confused about things right now. But one thing's certain, I have to stop. Have to. Stop. Checking on this and that, thinking about him and that. I have no idea why I asked him to meet and then chickened out and postponed it till next week. I have no idea what I am even going to do when we meet and why on earth did he even agree to meet. I guess I just have to let things go, let those things that I'll never have any answers to go, let them fade away and stop haunting my mind like a ghost. But it's always better said than done right? And I've never been the patient kinda person, that's why sometimes when I want to move on, I want to move on. Like instantly, but that's never the case and that's why I keep going back to square 1. I need to love the pain, to give myself time and that's horribly hard.

This time baby,

I don't know why I hate getting drunk/super high yet I keep wanting to do it and immediately regret it. Dumb girl. Anyways, yesterday was spent playing pool and L4D2 for an hour which got me totally addicted and now all I wanna do is kill those annoying zombies. Afterwards was MacDonald's for supper with the usual. Super sinful but you only live once right? Been having too much late nights lately and it's not good for my body mind and soul so I'm going to try to stop but who am I kidding? My homies are all night owls. Yes, homies. I'm falling in love with heavy rap music, I have no idea why. And I've been told by everybody that I'm losing weight but with all that supper, I don't understand why. But it could be because of the diet pills I've been taking since October, yes, must be. This post is all over the place because that's how my thoughts are nowadays, all over the place. But I think I'm fine.. with the chaos in my head. It just shows a big contrast against my really boring life. So whatever I'm doing is self inflicted but I can't seem to stop. I'm just waiting, for that moment when everything becomes crystal clear and it might be some time tonight.

Joke.

My life is a joke. I want to be drunk forever, to never be sober enough to realize that I have no future so I won't be feeling like this the whole time. It's such a painful fact to be living with everyday.

Said and done

Just got back from KL yesterday night, accompanied JJC soccer girls as their tour manager which was really like a redundant post cause even though I didn't think I did nothing but I certainly didn't do much. It was a good trip though, had fun with the girls and it made me miss playing soccer competitively so much. But yeah, I know I suck at soccer now and it always make me feel bad about myself.

Something happened just now which made my heart sank a little and now I have to sleep with a heavy heart which kinda sucks. Sometimes life just randomly throws you a setback and you're totally not ready for this shit and you have nothing to do but deal with it. Even when you had a plan to deal with it but new shit just keeps coming up and now you're forced to regroup. I honestly have no idea what to do.

The irony.

What if birds were actually afraid of heights, but they were made to fly most of the time? What if fishes were all afraid of drowning, but the only way they could survive was to be in the water? And us, humans, we all long to fly, to survive underwater for a longer period of time without the help of an oxygen tank but we were just made to walk. To live on land. To be able to do so many more things that creatures like birds and fishes can't do. But we were made to be jealous of them, because they could live differently. Because if I was given a choice, I would probably chose to live underwater, perhaps a mermaid if I could, but not like this.

I've spent too much time swimming for the past 2 weeks that I'm starting to smell like chlorine but I'm not complaining. I love being underwater. I love the feeling of being surrounded by large body of waters. I love how my thoughts only consisted of "just keep swimming" and "breathe properly" and I tune out almost completely to what my problems were just earlier. I love how the sun shines its light onto the water and causes the light streaks underwater. It's too beautiful to be captured and it always make me feel happy. That's why I want to be a mermaid, because life underwater is just too beautiful.

Stay.

There's been too many thoughts going through my mind, all at once, lately and it's driving me insane. I have no idea what I'm feeling and it's really horrible and making me feel very empty at the same time. Sometimes I get really angry at myself, for putting myself in this situation again and feel really stupid for doing the same thing all over, when I somehow know what I should really be doing. Except I have no idea what I'm doing right now, whether this is what I want or what I can accept. All I know is I look at them and think how lucky they are to have you and that I will never be that girl who has it. It infuriates me even more when I imagine if I'm a guy, and it's girls like them that I will like and it occurs to me that I am just jealous and I hate that emotion. Being jealous, because it means you are not content with yourself and I should be. I have everything I need but all that's missing are the things I want. It doesn't help when I can't get myself to sleep, then I just lie there thinking and putting stupid ideas in my head to convince myself to do the next morning. It really doesn't help. I just wake up feeling really empty and with an even more confused mind. I wish I can just cry and cry, till I fall asleep and I'd feel better the next day but I know that's not the way this works. I just want you to stay. With me.

What do I want?

I want to hurt myself, so deep so so so damn deep till it's almost impossible to get up. I want to cry till I can't breathe and maybe go into a coma for a few weeks till I can forget that this even happened. I want to hear every lie, see every truth and drink every last drop till I break down.

Then maybe I'll learn to do the right thing for myself, next time.

I'm that girl.

Don't know whether I'm blinded, or just plain old stupid.

Think it's the latter.

It's ok.

The most common phrase to say to myself every single day. It's okay to be treated like this because that's their karma, not yours. It's okay if you don't feel like talking, you don't owe anybody anything. It's okay if you feel this way, you just need time. It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.

I am such an idiot, but I feel like I'm going crazy. Is this still okay?

Took it all.

Am listening to Adele's Take It All and got overwhelmed with feelings from the past. But I can't put my thoughts into words and I have no idea why. I just know that I miss you a lot, and I would give anything to make us last. But.. yeah. No means no.

/

Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me.

Just let me be dumb and pathetic for tonight. It's stupid how a picture brings back so much.

Long time no update.

I... logged in to blogger thinking of all the things I can update, talking to nobody in particular, just writing down what's been bothering me, my recent thoughts and whatsoever. Then I thought about how I recently made a pact with myself to keep my problems to myself, not to trouble anyone with it, and that if I didn't talk about it, it doesn't exist. For a few days, it worked. But now, I wished I had somebody I can talk to about this but at the same time, I don't think there's anybody and that's sad but I just realised, it's really okay to me. Because I just want to forget it. So now I'm typing and talking about how the problem's affecting me but not the problem. It doesn't seem to help but oh well. It was worth a shot.

/

Yknow the quote, 'when the going gets tough, the tough gets going' right? Well where do I go from here?

You

2 cny ago, I sort of spent it with you, with your family. Last cny, I was sad trying to get over you. This cny, I'm busy thinking of you, while trying to forget him, while thoughts of you and her occupy my mind wondering what you guys are doing. I miss you. I miss your family. I miss being a part of something other than myself.

I hate myself.

Update.

Been helping Farrah's friend to take care of Hazel (chihuahua) since Wednesday and it's been quite an experience. She's so cute and tamed but I'm always on the edge because I always have to worry about her shitting around (she's trained to shit on grass); her barking at neighbors who walk pass etc. But anyways, guess what? Today when I brought her down for a walk, the 9th storey cutie came in the lift and looked at her and laughed and then he talked to me! Been waiting for like almost 5 years for him to talk to me, and finally! Heh heh although it's nothing, he just asked if she's a new dog and etc but oh well, I felt quite nervous and happy afterwards. ^^

And like right now I feel quite empty. Yeah, I have no idea why am I like this now too.

Please.

Save me.

/ I think, think, this is your way of saving me right?

Happy day.

Left the house and saw my 9th storey cutie. Weather was perfect for a dip in the pool and a tan. Today was a good day for me but I wonder why I just can't stay happy. Well actually, I know the reason's you but oh well.

The way I loved you

I think it will never get easier. People always say that but there's always this moment when you thought to yourself, I'm finally moving on, I'm finally making progress but no, all you need is this one little thing that will bring you back to the exact emotions you felt that day and it still hurts like crazy. So no, it doesn't get easier. You just know how to handle it better.

Trouble with the curve.

I wish I could push you to the back of my head, or even out of my mind. I wish I could punch the hell out of you, kick you in the nuts or do whatever, just so you'll feel like that 1% of hurt I felt. I won't even say 100% cause you'll never understand how that feels, considering how heartless you are. But yeah, I wish I could take it all back, I wish I could stop being wrong about people, I wish my judgement would be a tiny bit better so I could stop getting hurt. I wish I wish I wish, well honestly, I just wish I was everything I'm not.

Just like how I wish I could love you.