2012

This is the last post for 2012. Honestly, it has been a very sucky year. At the start of the year, I wanted to die and now? The end of the year and I'm utterly disappointed that the world isn't going to end because I still feel like I want to die. Yes, that's it. My new year's resolution is I just want to die.

Christmas

X'mas was spent with my entire group of family, aunties and uncles included, at my tiny grandma's apartment. Despite being treated like idiots at steamboat, I still love them all the same.

And he's back. But I feel like going. Goodbye.

Simplier.

Stop saying you miss me when you made no efforts to contact me or whatsoever. Fuck this shit seriously. I know I'm easy and cheap but fuck, I'm so tired of this. I hate people, hate them to the core. I don't understand anything anymore. Fuck.

Steps

It's time to say hi to a few months of fast paced nightlife. I'm tired but that's the only way I see things go. I'm scared but there's no other way to do. I promise to never lose myself in this job.

Yesterday a bunch of guys with suits and ladies in their nice dresses came to the bar and they were quite generous with their tips and that made me quite happy.

P.s, saying you miss me, and actually missing me are two very different things. But I'll fall for it all the same.

White noises.

I do not like this and I find myself wanting to cry for the first time in a long time.
  
As much as I crave contact at times, I find myself dreading it. The accidental brushing, the light bumping, whatever, whenever. No matter who it is, I pull myself away because I cannot stand the closeness but with you my dear, I want more.

Things

Things I'll never say out loud
x I want to meet you
x I miss you
x I wish we were real

Things I want
x Rebecca Minkoff's Mini Mac
x Hugo Boss's Deep Red
x Cute dresses

I wish... I could make up my mind.

Half of my heart

I like you.
I like you so much.
I like you so much and it scares me.
I like you so much and it scares me because I realise how much I stand to lose.


Myself. I don't want to lose myself anymore. It hurts way too much the last time and I'm not ready to do it again.

17 Nov

The early morning of 17 Nov was a day of two firsts for me. I've been having mixed feelings about it because I have no idea how to feel about it. And it has been 7 months, longer than I expected. I'm surprised and I have no idea what I want anymore.

All I know is how much I like kissing you, being close to you and just hearing your voice. You do the lamest shit which makes me laugh and you feed me with such beautiful honey words. You're happy with the way I am, never asking me once to change who I am, however ugly I may be and that's probably the reason why I give in to you. Sometimes I want more, but sometimes I'm just happy with you and sometimes I just want you out my head once and for all.

Never.

x I will never drink another bacardi 151 shot again (fucking 75%)
x I will never ever ever ever get myself drunk (swear)
x I will try not to buy a new pair of sandals (highly unlikely)

Birthday week.

Okay so continuing where I left off.. Sorry it's been so long since my last post, just been really busy and tired.

So on the 27th, I went out with Harminder to support Gurgeet's play and surprisingly I said hi to more people than him on that night despite me being the 0.5% chinese population that night. No joke. Then we went to vault where I fell in love with cider and moshi moshi where I met the cutest waiter and befriended a dancer.

Had a date with Harminder and Wati on the 28th to have our overdue laksa steamboat! It's really good people, go try it. It's called San Laksa Steamboat. Anyways, it was our belated birthday celebration for both me and Wati and Harminder was being a sweetie cause he invited Kumar, Bianca, France and Eugie to surprise us. It was really nice of them. We headed off to Holland V for drinks and Gurgeet joined us too! Oh and that was the night I decided to detox for 1 week and I ended up only drinking yesterday (9th Nov). Not bad right! Heh

On the 29th, met up with Xinyi to get some Sephora goodies and totally didn't know that they'll be having a 20% discount storewide on the 1st to the 5th.. Arghhh but it's okay since I have those vouchers. Then Darren and Hancai joined us for dinner cause they're enlisting on the next day. Went to meet Ziyuan later on at night and then me and Xy went to meet Zac for some ice cream as supper. Super sinful but so good.

Met up with Xinyi and Libing on the 30th to the pool at Chinese Garden. Been such a long time since I had so much fun there and got so tanned which made me very happy! Went off to watch Perks of Being A Wallflower at J-cube and Harminder joined us too. I think like.. my friends are starting to know one and another, which is really nice cause we get to hang out altogether!

Went to JB with Aisyah on the 31st. Bought like 3 bras for $12? Super cheap but I haven't wore any of them yet. Heh.. Anyways the aim of going to JB is to have A&W waffles cause I was craving for it but they didn't have any ice cream on that day.. Erm, like what the hell right? But oh well, brought home quite a lot of goodies and got really tired.

Stayed home on the 1st and had Sambal Seafood for dinner with Mum and Dad and then was contemplating between staying at home or meet J at night. It was a nice start to my November until I got a call from Wati saying that she's at the A&E at NUH so I rushed down to see her in a wheelchair and a bloody bandage at her ankle. Yuck, it was seriously gross. So anyways, didn't get to meet J but luckily Wati was okay.

Gym with Aisyah on the 2nd and we tried this body combat class.. It was super retarded, like I regretted it the second it started. I was so awkward trying to keep up with the moves and it just reassured me that my favorite sports are still swimming and soccer. Then we went off to town for some shopping and I went to collect my pay! Was quite shocked to see that I got quite a bit for the last few days of work. Hmm.. yeah, that's all. Took a long bus ride to Jurong Point and hunted for quite some time for my pills and called J on my way home to talk.

Went for soccer on the 3rd and that's all I did for the whole day because by then.. my whole body was aching so badly. I just felt so nua and tired. Received a message from Sam that night asking me to help her for this production from the 4th to the 8th.

So yeah, helped out as an wardrobe assistant from the 4th to the 8th and like it was really the hardest money I've ever earned. Did the most sai of the sai gangs. But sort of opened my eyes to how the industry is really like and frankly, I quite enjoyed it but it was so fucking tiring. Headed to the bar to collect my pay on the 8th since we wrapped the whole tvc quite early. Went to meet J after that, missed him so much since I haven't seen him for near to 2 months! Am really glad to see him that night and he said so many things which made me so happy. Ah..

On the 9th, did some post prodution shit which I didn't get paid for but it's okay I guess. Went out with Sam afterwards to chill and had a really nice mudpie for dessert. Yum! I love mudpies.

And now.. I just want to relax and do nothing for a week and try my best to sell some of my stuff which are new to buy a black Rebecca Minkoff Mini Mac. SO in love with that bag and I have no idea why. So maybe during the time I take to sell some of my stuff away, this obsession will wear off but if it doesn't, then at least I know I won't regret my buy. Lastly.. so sorry for this post cause halfway through it, I realized this are all useless content. Heh, but yeah, just wanted to document my days. And I think I'll never get people who complains about staying at home and having nothing to do because I would really like to do that for the rest of my life. Heh

Twenty

I was intending to blog about my birthday next week because I think the celebration's not over. Heh. But I just wanna say some things because I'm feeling really really really blessed this moment and next time if I'm in a bad mood, I can just read back on how I felt. (:

So I turned 20 on the 25th and I was really dreading it because I didn't want to turn 20 so badly and I didn't have any plans at all cause I didn't know what to do. But in the end, I spent the eve of my birthday with Jia at the petrol kiosk and she got me some halloween candies which was really random and then we went over to meet my sec school friends. It was nice, really nice to be spending the first few minutes of my birthday with her. I was really excited though, kept jumping around her saying "omg omg I'm turning twenty!! it's my birthday!!". Hehe..

Okay then on the day itself, my cousin Huimin and my sister gave me a drawing pad which really surprised me cause I thought they forgotten about my birthday. Okay then Xinyi and Libing came over and we had pizza and beer and ice cream. Basically just chilled and it was really nice, made me very happy. (: Then me and Xinyi went down to our bar cause it's also Wati's birthday and they gave me a bottle of Apple Sourz and a lot of hugs and I got really high on it. I love Apple Sourzzz so much. Heh oh ya, then Prashanth came down too and it was Halloween night at the bar so there's quite a number of people who dressed up and we made friends with some and got a few handshakes wishing me Happy Birthday, some even wanted to buy me a drink but well, my bottle's still not finished so I declined! Okay then I got home and skyped a little with Jay and he made me really happy. Hehe, yup, that's basically how I celebrated my birthday.

On 26th.. which is today, I had my belated birthday lunch with my family and my grandma! I love it when my grandma's around because I just love her so much. She's so young at heart, I didn't even realise she's 70 until she told me. So after lunch, I accompanied her to Chinatown to walk around then I went to nap awhile at her house. Saw my drunkard of a grandpa, he's so funny. Haha.. okay then I met Prashanth and we went to Merry Men at Robertson Quay. Food was not bad but the Black Forest Mojito was kinda weird but forced myself to finish at least 3/4 of it otherwise I'll be wasting money. I mean, wasting Prashanth's money cause it was his treat! Heh then I came home and realized there's a big awfully chocolate cake in the fridge for me! I was just thinking how I can't get any wishes because I didn't get any cake this birthday but yay! I can get my wishes now. (:

Okay, I don't usually type my day out but I really feel very blessed with the people around me and them spoiling me just because it's my birthday. I was thinking how much happier I was this birthday as compared to last birthday even though last birthday I was with him. Sorry for this wordy post but I'll try to include some pictures the next post if I'm not lazy! And I need to thank my love onesss in the next post. Hehe

Dog days are over

Ever since I left my job.. I've been...... staying at home, sleeping at 10pm, 11pm tops, waking up at 8am, 9am tops, eating absolutely nothing much but lozenges and my pills and.. why the fuck am I still sick? This kills my mood for pretty much anything. Have I mention that my birthday's coming? My most hated day of the year and I don't know why, I just hate it so much.

Can someone put me in an induced coma till I'm 20 and a day old?

Wants.

x I want my awkward sunburns to go away right now
x A lifetime supply of bnjs
x Shopping spree at candy empire
x Yonanas ice cream machine (!!)
x My original voice back, even though it's not very nice but the voice now.. yuck seriously yuck
x My nails to grow just a tad bit longer, but it's really nice the length they are now
x A nice family dinner cause it's been quite long
x To see youuuuuu~ sigh..
x A refillable cup of apple sourz with sprite lol jk, just enough to make me happy not drunk
x Many many nice nail polish
x To be able to play soccer every week and improve and not feel bad every single time I play
x To figure out what I wanna do with my hair
x And my life
x A nice day out with my friends
x Get really tanned
x And skinny

Okay I better stop before this list gets impossible ha okay kidding, it's already kinda ridiculous to start with. Heh

Update.

So after 5 days (Sunday to Thursday, today's Friday) of staying at home, trying my best to recover (which is eating mum's old medicine; popping honey&lemon strepsils like it's candy and spamming warm water), I finally went to the doctor just now and he told me the left side of my throat is swollen. I didn't even realize that until I touch it myself. I really hope I get well in time for soccer tomorrow morning but I think it's a long shot, but I'll just go and train and just don't shout at all. Been looking forward to soccer ever since I left my day job and I hate missing training even though I'm not training for anything and it sucks that I can't go swimming too. Argh, just.. lying at the bed at home 24/7 and not doing shit. It's killing me but I guess I'm not going to die afterall. Life's not that good to me.

Okay, guess that's all.

Die

I'm 51% sure I'll die soon. Like in two days kinda soon.

Focussss...

I'll print out the portfolio that I need to do up and just.. put them on my desk so that I'll remember that I NEED to do it.

3 days without my voice and still counting, somehow I can get used to this. Being mute.

/

How come it's possible to hate yourself so much?

At peace

You live your life and I'll live mine. I'm really tired of being upset for people who don't give a shit about me. There's far too many people I've regard highly of when I'm sure I'm nothing to them. I might not be at peace with it now, but I will be soon. This time I'll be smart enough to leave first.

And I have no voice right now. Like.. I can't talk. Well, I guess there's a first for everything.

Blah

I just miss you.

Clueless

I'm still trying to figure out whether I miss you, or you, or just miss having someone there but tell me, how would I ever know?

Freedom

In exactly a week's time, I'll be free of that 9.20am to 6pm schedule. Though I still have no clue what I want to do in life, I'm just so 100% sure that this is definitely not what I want to do. I'm so glad to be leaving this job.

Today, I bought a sandwich maker. Yesterday, I bought some slimming pills which is so contradicting to what I bought today but oh well, after I quit, I'll get to exercise everyday and yeah, I can't fucking wait.

Confession of an ugly girl

It's funny how I can actually cry when I think about how ugly I am. I guess it's just one of those days when I don't feel so special, when I realize that I don't really matter and how ugly I look. I hate the way looks always play a part and no matter how nice you are.. if you're fucking ugly, you're fucking ugly. I feel so unappreciated. I feel so useless. I feel so stupid. Fuck this.

Feelings

I feel like I'm still waiting, for nothing. I feel like maybe someday you'll turn back but I know it's stupid and pathetic and lame. I feel so sad because of everything. I don't feel like myself anymore. Sigh..

/

Why are you crying you useless piece of shit

Go short or go home

Since I've never been the kind to tie their hair up, so I've decided to just cut my own shoulder length hair even shorter after seeing Arizona Muse's hair (she's so pretty damn it). And look, DIY manicure. :)

Baby it's all wrong

Sorry for not updating regularly because honestly, I'm just kinda sick of facing the screen after a whole day of facing the damn screen (I hate you indesign and photoshop) and that's kinda the reason why I want to quit. Spending my time facing the screen when I can be doing much productive and useful stuff. Most often, I would just feel like I'm wasting my life.

My close friend's father had recently passed away and I really couldn't believe it because I remember just seeing him two weeks ago, he was funny and caring and really nice towards to me. I hate it when people leave, hate it so much that sometimes I wouldn't go to their funeral because this way, I can tell myself they didn't really leave. I also hate the fact that it happened to my friend. And the thing I hate most is me getting irritated by my mum when I found out she used my nail polish. I am so ridiculous. Thank God I didn't lose my cool and shout at her or whatever, otherwise I think I'll feel so goddamn guilty.

Okay, that's all for now.

BKK

After a whole full week in Bangkok, I have to say that it was too long but it was great. We literally just shopped, ate and walked the whole day then sleep the whole night. I hereby conclude that Bangkok is all about cons by taxi uncles, shop till you drop on the hotel bed, spamming sunblock if you don't want to get tan, lady boys who look better off as guys, cheap manicures and massages which aren't that good, street food which will surprise you and unexpected kind souls.

Came back to a nice surprise because I wasn't expecting much and it really feels good to be home. But honestly speaking, I have no room for my new clothes now.

Have you

Taking silly pictures of myself when I'm eating, posing with a yam yam I stole from Grandma and just being really stupid with my new pair of shades (such a steal). Enjoy.

 I miss you but I don't miss me when I'm with you.

This this this

I Want Irrational Love | Thought Catalog

Skin has gotten deeper but it burns the same

I wish I was someone else. Someone with fair skin, someone with nice tan skin, someone with freckles all over their body, someone who has beautiful eyes in a nice shade of any colour besides black, someone who's tall and slim, someone who could wear a plain old tshirt and still be in the center of attention, someone who could eat and not get fat, someone who has got someone there for them no matter what, someone who couldn't fail even if she wanted to, someone who has their life planned ahead of them, someone who's always happy and carefree because let's face it, why would you want to know sadness if happiness is all that you've known all your life? They say you need to know one to get to know the other but how awesome would it be if all you know was the positive? Pretty damn great isn't it?


Well, in short, I just don't want to be myself.

I'll be my own saviour

Realize that it wasn't anything that you did, or the things that you didn't. It was just the way it should have been. There will never be a could, should or would be because if there was, then things wouldn't be the way they are now, right?

I'm better now, calmer.. Maybe it's because of this daily routine that keeps my mind occupied and focused on what's important, like sleep, food and money. And like how that John Mayer song goes, "half of my heart's got a grip on the situation, half of my heart takes time", I'll be okay.

Patheme

I think having just 1 friend is kinda pathetic.. but I'm fine with that cause that friend is true.

I miss you. I just want to meet you and give you a giant big hug and talk to you until my head is clear and just keep hugging you.

Sis is back and this puts an end to my karaoke nights.

It's just for me.

“Have some fire. Be unstoppable. Be a force of nature. Be better than anyone here, and don’t give a damn what anyone thinks. There are no teams here, no buddies. You’re on your own. Be on your own.”

/ I am.. I don't know what I am anymore. I wonder when I will be enough.

/

I would do my taxes. Fill out insurance forms.
Count grains of rice in a bag.
Whatever makes time pass the slowest with you. 

Trust me

Oh, how am I gonna get over you? 
I'll be alright 
Just not tonight 
But someday
Oh, I wish you'd want me to stay 
I'll be alright  
Just not tonight 
But someday

Stop settling fanny, just.. stop. 

Last kiss on repeat.

I still remember the look on your face
Lit through the darkness at 1:58
The words that you whispered
For just us to know
You told me you loved me
So why did you go away?
Away

I do recall now the smell of the rain
Fresh on the pavement
I ran off the plane
That July 9th
The beat of your heart
It jumps through your shirt
I can still feel your arms

But now I'll go sit on the floor
Wearing your clothes
All that I know is
I don't know how to be something you miss
I never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips

I do remember the swing of your step
The life of the party, you're showing off again
And I roll my eyes and then
You pull me in
I'm not much for dancing
But for you I did

Because I love your handshake, meeting my father
I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets
How you kissed me when I was in the middle of saying something
There's not a day I don't miss those rude interruptions

And I'll go sit on the floor
Wearing your clothes
All that I know is
I don't know how to be something you miss
Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips

So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep
And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe
And I keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are
Hope it's nice where you are

And I hope the sun shines
And it's a beautiful day
And something reminds you
You wish you had stayed
You can plan for a change in weather and time
But I never planned on you changing your mind

So I'll go sit on the floor
Wearing your clothes
All that I know is
I don't know how to be something you miss
Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips

Just like our last kiss
Forever the name on my lips
Forever the name on my lips

Just like our last...

/

I think I am lost again.

Grounded

I wanted to post a huge chunk of how I feel about * but I won't because I know it's gonna be taken out of context and I am not a heartless bitch, I am just real but some other just.. love taking things out of context so I won't. Instead, I am just going to say that I am happy to find a website that lets me watch my grey's anatomy season 8 in good quality and that I am sad because he is leaving for 1 week and that I am going to miss him and that is all.

Right now

Thought catalog + lame old embarrassing me sending stupid texts + tumblr + bad case of tummy ache + a lot of bad singing + b&j all the way = the me that I am right now, this instant.

I am alright with being alone and I am embracing this freedom of having the room to myself. I am not okay but I am okay.

/ I just need to stop putting people who I think matter at such a high position in my heart because obviously, they don't feel the same. Obviously.

I was right

Everybody's leaving.

Fact

Sometimes when I wish you were still here, that's when I hate myself the most.

/ Because to me, the cruelest thing you could ever do to someone is making them love you and then yeah, manipulate their love for you and yeah. You are good.

Me

x Kitkats are my most favourite chocolate ever
x I cry when I'm physically tired
x I don't understand how people can cry when they're happy
x If I spend money on you, that's how you know that I really treat you as a friend/like you

Just some thoughts that's been going through my head these few days. I'm much better now, cause there's no way but up to go when you're low right? And meeting him helps.. so.. yeah. I'm better. I think.

Here's me rocking red lipstick, but not that obvious because I've only applied like.. a little cause well.. it's kinda too strong for my liking.

Rescue

I am so sad that I am scaring myself.

Present

I'm currently working as a part time designer at Home24 for 2 weeks. Maybe 3, if I can stand the new distance. Pioneer to Macpherson is no joke, 3 hours spent on traveling itself is not funny. It is tiring and I cried last night because my legs were hurting and thought about how unfair it is that I stay at one extreme end of Singapore instead of being at the central part. I cried because I didn't know, didn't have a single clue what I was trying to do with my life and if whether I will be just a useless bum in the future. Yes, I am this retarded everyday.

Doesn't help that my very good friend just enlisted yesterday. Let's just countdown to 2 weeks yeah?

Baked oreo brownies yesterday and Grandma was being such a funny bitch. Seriously. Can't stand her.

Me "See, new lipstick. Its red"
Grandma "Okay you can give me some of your old lipstick"
Me "You also don't wear"
Grandma "I don't have how I wear?"

My Grandma is my most most most favourite person on earth and because there's three most then you know it's true. I like to repeat things three times to prove that it's real. 

So anyways, I baked those brownies for my sister's 21st birthday party which is later on and I hope the guests enjoy them. I told my Grandma that if they don't rave about them then just say we bought them from somewhere, then she say okay, let's say they're from JB. Hahaha, what the hell..

These are the brownies, they're very thick with oreo on top. Okay, that's all the update. I am not happy with my life but I am trying to be.

No exceptions

You're just another guy I have to chase.

Second

So today I've finally chopped off my thinly layered longer than shoulder length hair and now it's finally short. And I did it all by myself. And it's the second time I've ever had short hair (not counting when I was young). And I love it.

Often.

People often forget that I have feelings too. Too much, unfortunately.

Most of the time I wish you were still here. Because then, I can fall back on you. Nobody to go out with? I could call you. Nobody to talk to? I could text you. Somebody pissed me off? I could rant to you. Then I will reflect upon myself, if I just wanted you because I'm just lonely or I needed someone then I realize, the difference is that it's you are the only one on my mind that I would turn to.

I'm lonely and I want you. But if I weren't lonely, I would still want you too.

Hmm

What's wrong with me? This isn't me.

I swear, everybody's moving forward but I'm just.. stagnant. So fucking stagnant, with a hint of disgust.

Turning tables

Wants
x that job = a stable income
x a nice nude lipstick
x play paint twister with my girls
x a smaller appetite = skinnier body
x a tanner skin tone (since pale + rosy lips won't really work out for me anymore)
x pizza hut's bbq chicken & chicken drumlets
x ben and jerry's ice cream marathon

Keep holding on.

Though it's been only 2 days since I last updated but wow, quite a few things happened. Like how I finally developed my first ever film and I love, love, absolutely love the effects on it. What a surprise because I really thought and expected like just, normal pictures but I love them so much. Also, I went to this interview for this full time job, I don't wanna talk about it unless I really get it cause high hopes only leads to more disappointment. But well, there's good vibes from the interview and hopefully I'm right. Met him too and yeah, it was either the dumbest thing that I've ever done or the bravest. Either way, I've haven't regretted a thing with him so I guess that's good.

And the biggest event ever so far.. Graduation. Heh, there's been quite a large amount of graduation spam on facebook and honestly, I was quite irritated cause I've never understood the deal about graduation. It's been so long since I'm out of school and it already felt like I've graduated so.. yeah, anyways, was really happy today, taking pictures with friends and all. Guess that's what the real hype is.

Visited great-grandma today too, she had this bled in her head and like, it affects her memory and speech and stuff but she's still smiling all the time as always so that's kinda good. All I can think of when I was staring at her is that she looks so beautiful now despite being thin and bruises all over, I don't know how to explain this kinda beauty but yeah. Sigh.

Anyways, yeah, so much happened within like 2 days thus explaining the wordy post. Been really camwhoring these few days too. Heh. Oh, and like.. since graduation's over.. I've been thinking.. short hair? Urgh, what's the worst thing that could happen except that my hair has always been my safety blanket and yknow, me being me, I'm always saying this and doing that. 

New

Just cause I was bored. And, new parfum i bought, it's solid, how special. It's called sugar sugar and it smells damn sweet, me likey. And I would really like to get short hair, like shoulder length? I need that spur of the moment's courage. Where are you?

Future.

Honestly, I thought that I was more than this. But I'm not sure anymore. I think I'm meant to be nothing. I think.

/ I am very sad. I am too tired to even pretend I'm not sad. I just don't want to exist anymore, I feel so empty, I just want to do nothing and be nothing. Nothing nothing nothing. Because when I was with you, it's like at least something in my life was going right. But now there isn't anything. Nothing nothing nofuckingthing.

My theory.

There is no such thing as 'could be', 'would be' or 'should be' because if.. there is really such a thing, you wouldn't be sitting around wishing that for them. It would already happened.

I need my froyo fix.

Truth be told

Remember when I told you I was craving for pancakes, and the next day we were at the library trying to find books for pancakes recipes then we realized that we could just find it off the internet. The next thing I know we were at the super mart, not searching for ingredients because I got lazy and just grabbed betty crocker's buttermilk pancakes instant mix. You giving in to me, letting me get all the other ingredients, chocolate ice cream, fruits, whatnot and paying for them all. Pancakes with milo, with strawberries on the side, with honey and chocolate ice cream, with love, with you and with me.

I miss you, I miss you so god damn much. Every time whoever tries to tell me you're not good for me, yeah I agree but I know that you were good, to me, and you were bad, for and to me. But none of that matters anymore cause right now I know, in my guts, that you will be good, damn good, to her. That's the you I miss, the you that I can never see anymore, the you who will only exist in my memories. It's okay. It's not okay but it is okay.

I honestly don't know what to feel anymore.

The way I am.

 I'm no one special, just another wide-eyed girl who's desperately in love with you.

All wrong.

I know what I want to do. But I can't. Oh the irony.

It's not about your scars

Now that I'm jobless, well, I feel quite free to do whatever I want but I know I gots to gets my shit together soon.


Me "I went out with him today"
Grandma "Wah why? You like him is it?"
Me "Huh.. no lah."
Grandma "Then he got hold your hand anot?"
Me "Yeah, got"
Grandma "Means you like him lah"

Just thought it was quite funny, grandma's reaction when I said I went out with him and when I told her we held hands.

That's the way I loved you.

It took me 4 months to get over you, maybe a little less. But I am SO happy to say that even though I miss you, but the last thing I wanna do now is be back together with you. Such a destructive relationship, you were tearing me down while I built your ego up. Thanks but no thanks.

Anyways, went out with J yesterday. I like his company, very much. But it just makes it so much clearer that we can't be together. Oh well.

Deja vu

Why does it feel like everything is happening all over again, all at once?

I pray for your good health. I pray if you should pass away, it would be painless and fast but you must, must, must say your goodbyes first. I pray that you know that everybody loves you deeply and that nobody would/could/should ever replace you.

I pray that I can get through this.

Just get your ass back home.

I'm so glad that mum dad are home from Europe. The presents and the treats are pretty awesome. And my hair's looking much better even though sometimes, I just wanna cringe at the sight of myself. I got so pissed off on Friday night while working till I cried when I was ranting it out to Noelle, such a mess. Feel so stupid for letting her get the better of me, but okay. Hopefully things will get better. I have no idea why I'm typing in such a long paragraph, I guess I just want to get things out. I like champagne + orange juice, it makes it easier to drink. I don't like champagne itself, it's gross. I like rum and coke. I will not drink more than once a week. I will paint and draw more while looking for jobs that are suitable for me in the long term. I will read more good books. I will, I will, and I will.

For old time's sake.

Everything is changing and nothing is the same.

Started blogging when I was 18 and now, I'm turning 20 this year. At 18, I would never imagine that I'd actually kiss a guy on the third date and date a freaking.. ok I'd rather keep it a secret. I'm just quite shocked at how much I've changed and.. how aimless I am right now. God, save me.

New.

I can't get used to the new interface on blogger.. It's so weird.


/ Ladies and gentleman.. This is how I let myself get hurt. :)

Firsts.

While baking brownies yesterday, the baking paper was too near to the top of the oven and it caught on fire and yeah, panic 101. It was such a rookie mistake. So was mixing up table numbers and forgetting to write them down during work.

But I'm still happy. Because someone I can't have is here in my life, he gives me hours long conversations, gives me new perspectives in life, gives me feelings I've forgotten that I can feel and gives me some hope that maybe I'm not too bad. But, well there's always a but, yeah, I don't think he can stay.

Drops of Jupiter

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken,
your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know you're wrong?
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance five-hour phone conversation,
the best soy latte that you ever had . . . and me?

I think I finally know who I am. I am happy, mostly happy with the occasional sadness overwhelming me at weird timings. The sadness doesn't define me, it weakens me, and strengthens me when I embrace it.

It doesn't help.

x when the new facial foam mum bought is the exact one you're using .
x especially when she bought two of it.
x the smell just forces me to remember that night when I stayed over, and you just finished bathing and I was hugging you and.. that was all I could smell.

I still find myself wanting to turn to you whenever something happens or when I'm unsure of things/myself. Now I'm thinking, have I really gave so much to you that when I lost you, I'm going to take a long time to find back me?

I know, I know that I'll never get over you. And I won't even try. I'll just live with it.

Past.

This may sound silly but when I was like 9, dad used to play games on his computer and I would just sit beside him and watch. I never knew what I was doing, I wasn't even helping, I was just watching him play and how the game goes.

I miss that.

People I hate (dislike)

- those who changes their minds
- those who don't even mean it, then in the first place say okay for what?!
- THOSE WHO ARE SO TEMPERAMENTAL (the world doesn't revolve around you, okay?!)

Annoying much?

Focus, fanny. Focus.

Hey

This world works in a damn superficial way and I'm quite disgusted right now.

Truth.

1) Constantly being let down
2) Constantly being taken advantage of

Try being me. Just.. try.

Figure it out.

Work is good. I feel as if I'm paid to club and drink? but in an exhausting kinda way and everybody's just really fun.

Hmm what else.. Well I think dad is pretty persistent on me continuing my studies but yeah, we'll see. And what else.. meh, life's pretty much nothing much right now.

Sometimes.

All is going well but I am just very jealous, like 24/7 a day minus when I'm sleeping. I'm just.. very very jealous. I know, I should learn to count my blessings. Trust me, I do that, it's just that.. well.. yeah.

/ I don't know what's wrong with me, I don't know how to sort out my feelings.

From the inside.

I've been really happy these days with small moments of sadness mixed with nostalgia but it's really, all good emotions. Been doing things I like, eating things I love, meeting up with people I enjoy and just, finding myself. I've no longer feel the need to induce pain onto my heart and finding out things that are irrelevant to my life. Although once in a while, I might get tempted but yeah, I realize I gotta treat myself better.

Today, in the moment of spontaneity, I chopped off like 2 inches of my hair and then I felt quite liberal. Even though I didn't have enough balls to chop off my fringe, but oh well. Guess that was fun while it lasted.

I pray for those two jobs, hopefully, I'll get both and earn myself some money and experience.

Finally.

A year ago, everything started.

I will always love you. I don't even want to change that. But it doesn't hurt anymore.

/

The worst part is, nobody will ever understand.

Always my pleasure.

It really makes me happy when I read sad stuff, like those heartfelt quotes which really makes sense because after reading them, I actually feel it. Because sometimes I realize that my feelings can't be put into words, and that there are actually people out there who are so gifted in this area, that they can.

Die happy

x made cookies (but got really frustrated with the oven because there's something wrong with the heat so i had to throw away a lot of batches argh but glad everybody liked them)

x helped 4 boys create a sustainable designed dress (yes it was 4, i finally remembered)

x realized my memory is really bad nowadays (i couldn't even remember how many boys was in my group for the event JUST NOW and what i have on saturday)

x clubbed and i clubbed hard (and tons of shit went down that night, no joke but no judging)

x craving for some dimsum (shall persuade mum to hong xing tomorrow)

x am very inspired nowadays but (i am so lazy)

x addicted to alcohol (am finally getting used to hard liquor)

x went to church after a long time (and i want to continue weekly)

x bank account's depleting and (i want to try bartending lol)

x might work at bali if things work out (fingers crossed then double cross it)

i guess that's all. for now.

I've only known careless love

I guess, mostly, I just miss who I was when I'm with you. I took down all my walls, and let you define me, let you define my identity and now, I'm nothing.

/

I just want to drink but it sort of gives everything a reverse effect.

I should be more understand, but I just can't.

Against the world.

I just gotta accept it. Really, that's all.

/

I am going to conquer this song. As simple as that.

Sometimes.

I wonder how it feels like to always have the upper hand, to always be in control of things and to always be at the receiving end. To be absolutely nonchalant whenever you know the other party is giving their all for you. To just continue taking and taking whatever they are giving because you are selfish like that.

I really wonder, how it feels to be on the other side.

/

Ah, I have so many things I want to do. Gotta note them down and like, just do it.

And well, this is a waste of post, but I just felt like writing something at 3:34am.

Me.

As I'm typing this, I'm attempting to rap to B.O.B's Nothing On You. Ha. Me and rap.. it never works well.

Today was a day of many firsts.

First time watching a movie alone. The Descendants. It was good, like good good. Made me think about a lot of things, like if I was in his or her shoes, what would I be doing differently or maybe I'd be just the same? Thank God for the near to empty cinema because I think I cried like twice to myself, not that kind of.. breaking down crying, but those kind where you just get damn immersed into the movie and just followed their emotions. It was good.

And today was the first time since.. like 3/4 years since I've laughed till I lost control of my face and just, kept laughing till I teared up. I honestly have forgotten about how that felt like until just now. It felt so good, as though as I found myself. I love it.

Then today I tried Baileys for the first time and I love it so much. Sweet upon consumption, with a strong burning aftermath down your throat. Just the way I like it.

And finally.. for the first time in my life, I have a direction to work towards to.

I finally found me again. I'm going to try so hard, so fucking hard, to make this feeling last. Because this is, honestly, the best feeling that one should have.

More than anything,

I wish that I had a good voice..

But we all know that's not going to happen.

I bide my time, pick at the petals, play the good best friend. You ask me what I’m looking for and i outline you. You don’t recognize the shape; offer other names. You say my time will come, and I hope. I know this is how the world works, it would be funny if it wasn’t my heart. She is the weakness you think of as strength, while I am the strength you have no idea is there. I am the one who knows who you are. I want you to be happy and you could be with me.

With you

You're teaching me to be heartless, and I don't like it. I can't stand it. Really.

/

Most of the time, I just want to.. fast forward my life to the part where everything is just settling down fine, where everything is perfectly alright, that part where you know everything is just.. right. Yeah, bring me there.

/

Sometimes, I feel like Emma Morley, except that instead of having my Dexter Mayhew, I'd just get mayhem.

Oh well, but I think.. I think, I am much better now. You just got to ease your heart and learn to love yourself, be a little selfish, spend a little more on yourself and yeah, that's how you heal.

Slowly.

I lost myself, to you. Now I have to find me, for me.

Slowly realizing that losing you might just be the best thing that happened so far. And I'm not kidding.

Forget.

There's no such thing as moving on, letting on and forgetting. There's only accepting the truth and changing.

The best way not to get heartbroken is pretend you don't have a heart.

Oh dear

Aren't you old enough to figure out that sometimes.. words are just.. words?

/

Cry cry cry, you useless piece of shit, all you can do is fucking cry.

/ It's not the kind of sadness to where you cry all the time, but more of like the sadness that overwhelms your entire body, leaving your heart aching and your stomach empty. Making you feel weak and tired. And yet you can't even sleep cause the sadness is in your dreams too. It's almost a sadness you can't escape.

Breathe.

I see your face in my mind as I drive away
'Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way
People are people and sometimes we change our minds
But it's killing me to see you go after all this time

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm
Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm

Music starts playin' like the end of a sad movie
It's the kinda ending you don't really wanna see
'Cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down
Now I don't know what to be without you around

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand

And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

Never wanted this, never want to see you hurt
Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve
People are people and sometimes it doesn't work out
Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand

And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me
It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know this ain't easy, easy for me

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me, oh

I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry

/ In all honestly, I'm not exaggerating.

Time.

All I need now is time, time for myself, time to forget the bad and even the good, because that's what will kill me and yeah, time to heal.

Thank you for those who are still here. You don't know how much I love you.

Better yourself.

Slowly, try to let go.
Slowly, try to move on.
Slowly.. try to make progress and be the best of you there is, be the you who can make you happy, be the you who you love the most, just be more of you. Once, you're happy with that, I'm sure somebody out there will be too.

Anyways, on a side note. I might be working at Avalon soon. I need to be stronger, tougher and meet new people.

p.s/ i love you

/

Back where I started. Great, just great.

Them.

"Expect the worst"

"Change yourself"

"Don't be stupid"

"You're not thinking straight"

Bottom line is, he's not good for me. Even though he taught me how to forgive, and say sorry to the people that I still want in my life, even though he was the one who was there when I was scared, even though he was the one who instilled courage into my life.

Despite it all, I can't be with him if the only thing that happened in this relationship is him falling out of love with me.

Life's unfair but I think I'm finally out of tears.

Erm

I'm the stupidest fuck I've ever met. Swear. Did things that I never expected myself to do and I really don't know what I'm doing and why I'm doing all this. If it's in the name of love then I guess love isn't blind.. it makes you dumb.

No.. not now.

Hi

I'm so far behind INDS yet, I can't really care. Have absolutely no idea why.

This weekend has been the craziest I've had in months.

1) Drinking on friday night
2) Made new friends
3) Continued drinking saturday morning
4) Tortured a guy.. seriously, tortured.
5) Crazy bitch mode on saturday afternoon-evening and was dead set on breaking up with that bitch
6) Screamed and started hitting him when I saw him in his room
7) Didn't break up
8) I am that lame
9) I still hate him

And, I don't like his new maid. Urgh, she actually ganged up with him to keep me from coming in. Oh wells. Good news are that I'm going to get my shoes and have popeyes for lunch.

Even if.

I know that maybe I'm a little too sensitive, a little too blunt, a little too paranoid and the list can go on but I also know that I'm only human and I deserve at the very least, some respect. But you.. the one who's the closest/dearest to me.. can't even respect me enough to tell me some basic things.. then.. honestly, I don't know. Is it too much to ask?

Lights will guide you home,
and ignite your bones,
and I will try to fix you.

/

I heard what you said. I’m not the silly romantic you think. I don’t want the heavens or the shooting stars. I don’t want gemstones or gold. I have those things already. I want…a steady hand. A kind soul. I want to fall asleep, and wake, knowing my heart is safe. I want to love, and be loved.”
— Shana Abé

Resolutions.

Okay, I know it's probably very late for resolutions but I just want to have them cause I think I'm really being a bitch to myself now. Plus my resolutions are like not that hard to achieve, I just need some discipline.

1) Learn the lyrics to Super Bass (hahaha I am so lame but I swear the song makes me happy)

2) Exercise more (I've got like 362 days to like exercise and don't tell me, I am so lazy that I can only exercise like once in 3 months?! Come on, I was soccer captain once. Don't be lazy please)

3) Learn to make myself happy (this is the most important shit ah, do whatever it takes, if clubbing makes me happy then go clubbing, if eating damn alot of bnjs makes me happy then go eat, if shopping makes me happy then go fucking shop.)

4) Go overseas alone (Need to be independent ah, seriously. Can't tahan myself being so scared + weak + lame already)

5) Learn to live for myself (don't think I need to explain this right?)

Okay I guess that's all. The comments in the bracket are all me scolding myself. Hahaha, how lame can I get? But seriously, I need to change already. How old liao?

Ideas.

I wanna go overseas to work and like just.. better myself after I graduate. Maybe just working in a coffee shop somewhere. Surround myself with new things, new ideas and new people. I think.. I need to. I've been too scared all my life to do anything, scared to talk to people, scared to do this, scared to do that. That's not the way to live.