Hihihi

So.. this post, the last of 2011, will be very rushed because I've got a busy day later on.

2011. Where do I start? Hmm.. Alright, in the beginning of the year, I found myself still trapped in my previous relationship and it was really hard for me to get back on my feet. But I've also found someone who helped me through it, someone who's a big part of my life right now, someone who was actually a big part of my life and the someone who, I think, was my biggest gain this year. I was mostly happy, and I still am.

But what's life without any shits happening right? This year I've also experience getting fired for the first time, surviving a 2 months long distance relationship (it's really hard), been lied to the first time, meeting old friends in the longest time, clubbing a little more often, going Phuket for the first time with love, attending my first cremation (RIP Q), mum being sick, driving for the first time, bought the most expensive Christmas present for love and making cards for Christmas and really enjoying it and I guess that's about it.

All in all, my new year's resolution is for myself to be happy, to take things in my stride and to accept whatever that is being thrown at me.

So.. I'm having my last lunch with the family later and a sleepover at my girl's crib. 2012, I'm ready for you.

Between the drinks and subtle things.

Reading all those blogs, make me wish I had their lives. To the extent of me typing this and crying because I'm so jealous. Right now, I'm in a ungrateful place. Somewhere that I just don't really appreciate all that I have in front of me and just keep wanting more. Trust me, I hate myself for this. I keep telling myself I deserve better and I know I do, but how much better is enough? Where is that line that defines how much you've actually deserve and how much is asking for too much, for going over your head and being selfish with your wants?

I'll just be entirely selfish and open and show you guys what I want.

I want a group of friends I can have spontaneous adventures with, just because planning your plans is just.. smart but boring at the same time and an adventure's not meant to be boring.
I want everybody who left to come back because I miss you all. (I've just burst into tears after I typed this because, I really miss them all)
I want someone who is willingly there for me, no matter what, because.. that's what everybody wants right?
I want to stop being so fucking weak and depend on only myself for happiness.
I want you to come home. Now.

Peace out.

I'll carry you home tonight.

A relationship ain't suppose to be like this.. is it? Try putting yourself in my shoes and see the things I found out everyday and tell me, would you have 100% trust in yourself?

I'll just try to put aside these feelings and make myself busy. Well, tomorrow's going to be a busy day. Movie date in the afternoon + popeyes for dinner :)

X'mas

Went ice skating with my aiai and her aiai and prassy. It's so fun but right now it's killing my left leg, probably because of the way I skate. Then thai food for dinner but nothing beats the Tom Yam in Phuket.

Got my Xmas text from the boy in the afternoon and I was really not expecting it. Ahhh, gosh, I miss him like crazy and it's only day 2. I still have a week more to go without him. Blah, guess I'm just going to sleep the feeling off.


Tonight we are young // So let's set the world on fire // We can burn brighter than the sun.

Eve

Michael Buble's Christmas covers on replay and coloring Christmas cards for my dear ones. I miss you my dear, I just want to lie in bed with you and do nothing.

:(

Okay he's gone. I can't believe I cried.

Update.

1) Out with Xinyi
2) Finally tried I love Taimei, and I really love their seaweed fries.
3) Christmas cookies which I'm not going to give anyone I think cause I'm so unhappy with the taste :/
4) A little chubby baby <3

Alright, am heading out for dinner with the family in a while. Gonna have steamboat tomorrow with Grandma and family ^^ and Sunday, might be ice skating (in the spirit of Christmas) and next Wednesday is JB with Grace and maybe clubbing at night (last ladies night ppl!) and I dont know already.

I'm going to miss you damn it.

/

From time to time you make my soul weary, then you patch it back with a kiss and a sorry. I will trust you one last time because it might be too much for me to handle. I am tired. Tired of your contradictions. Tired of searching for the truth in you. Sometimes i just want a break from you, but i don't have the courage to. I am used to only loving you.

Saw this on Sarah's tumblr and.. I love it.

No idea.

You have no idea.. how besides the fact that you're my boyfriend, you're the only one I'm close to.

On 31st of December.. I'm just going to bed at 11pm and try to sleep and just.. sleep my way through 1st January. Because I've gotta remind myself that it's no big deal that you aren't there. Just like Christmas.. I'm just going to sleep through it. It's no big deal even if you aren't there. It's no big deal.. It'll just be another day. Just like always.

/

Is it the unspoken rule to take everyone who's nice to you for granted?

My mistake, I didn't know that to be in love, you had to fight to have the upper hand.

Since I'm bored

I've done ABSOLUTELY nothing today but here I am, 9:37pm, feeling tired for no reason. I hate this.

Oh, I did, did something today. Coloured my Christmas cards and then, okay, this is quite funny. After putting in the cards into the handmade (!!) envelopes... after sealing them shut.. I totally didn't put any mark on which cards are in which envelopes. Ha ha ha, stupid me. But luckily, I coloured hard enough to see through my thin envelopes. :) Oh, today I was spy girl too. Other than that, the whole day was spent eating rubbish, surfing the net, taking a nap and well.. nothing.

So here are some pictures. (Taken with my lousy but beloved blackberry curve 9850)



Had Chilli's for late lunch/early dinner yesterday with him. I really hate the taste of alcohol and it made me act/feel funny afterward, but good service and food. :)


Chocolate muffins I've baked on Saturday :)

Bored thoughts.

I wish for an exciting life. Having spontaneous friends who will suggest a road trip every now and then. Sleepovers. Big cliques of friends and having tons of gatherings all the time. I know it'll be exhausting but at the same time, nothing beats that feeling of being together with a group of friends and just.. have fun.

I wish for an exciting life.

Oh, just remember this.

My fav song when I was at China is on playback one. If you ever come back - The Script. There's just something about it that.. sort of explains my life all the time. A bit sad though, right?

Anyways, bought my first birks.. but it wasn't for me. For him instead. A little heartpain but oh well, at least he's (quite) happy about it. :) That puts the end of my headache of what to get him! And at least I know I'll be getting something in return. Heh

Okay, I was thinking steamboat dinner with a group of friends somewhere during the Christmas. Yes, no? Pretty heartwarming and nice right? Hopefully, things won't fall through.

Sigh, the thought of being alone during Christmas. Somehow I can't really handle it.

Question..

How the fuck would you feel if someone was like "faster, I just want to faster go and faster go home."

WHAT THE FUCK.

p.s : it's just gonna make me EVEN slower.

A lil update

Feeling really bored because boyfriend has dumped me for fishing on a Saturday night but we're going out tomorrow so I'm really excited about that. But no high hopes because who knows? Plans might fall through.

Sigh, I'm feeling really alone nowadays because I kept thinking about how he's going to leave next Friday and only return back on Jan. I'm going to miss him so much, it's the freaking holidays and he ain't here. :(

I'm starting to daydream more about how my future would be, the things I would be doing when I'm married with my husband and all. I really just want to fast forward time to that period cause I'm so sick of being alone right now. :(

I wanna go overseas so badly, I'm so bored my life is so mundane.

Hi

Sorry everyone for all those emotional posts but on days where I don't blog about my feelings, I'm usually happy so.. yup. Guess the bad days are compensated with some happy days at least. Oh but today's an angry day, but it seems like I can't get angry with you. Good or bad? Oh well.

Anyways, it's the holidays! :) But it's going to be a lonely December starting from next friday and all the way until January comes. I dread.

You better run.

Horrible days followed by terrible nights, how can I stand it? Well, with many crys and a good friend who would just listen to me cry and offer her point of view, I think I managed to do quite fine.

I dreamt that I was still with you but I was cheating on you with * but I was happy. I get to have you, and my feelings well taken care of by *. I was really happy. But does this means, to be happy with you, I've gotta cheat? Because it seems to me that my feelings will always be a joke to you.

Of all the people I know who've talked about committing suicide.. I think I'm the only one who will actually do it.

Suicidal

Hi death, we meet again.

/ What is it that they say? Only way to go after you've hit rock bottom is up? I wish that was true because after all the rock bottom that I've hit, I'm still going down. This deep bottomless pit of misery. The only one who can save me has left and I can't do alone, I really can't.

You.

I love you forever and ever and always I love you

I have never been a big fan of words like forever and always because I know that the ugly truth is that feelings change and that's just scary, to be putting yourself out there just to carry on.

Spent a good 2 hours with him just talking. I really didn't expect myself to be caught in this situation. It was really horrible and one of the worst nights ever but at least I got to know what you're really thinking and.. I really don't know.

Sigh.. where's my fro-yo fix?

A

If you're fucking blasting fucking english songs then I won't fucking mind but you're fucking blasting your stupid fucking japanese anime and bullshits like you fucking coughing so fucking loud in my fucking direction then sorry, fuck you. I am so fucking angsty now I just hate japanese and korean it's fucking annoying i am so sorry for being so bias but i only listen to song that i can fucking understand and relate to.

Fuck today is not a good day.

/ Please teach me to see the good in everyone because sometimes it gets too blurry and I just want to throw a temper but no, I'm not 5 anymore.

Grateful

I'm feeling exceptionally grateful right now.

Grateful to my Dad for always buying home dinner for us, giving us money whenever we ask for it (for reasonable reasons okay?) and taking care of Mum at time like this.

Grateful to my Mum for still doing the housework despite her conditions and making meals for us whenever she can.

I sound like a spoilt brat now, yucks.

Oh yeah, and grateful to you for growing up. I love you my dear. Always will.

Fro-yo

Bought a huge tub (12oz) of fro-yo today and I'm really feeling happy. It's now left with 1/4 and I'm listening to 'Pumped Up Kicks' by Foster The People (go check it out everyone) and feeling really contented? Even though my bf likes to be an ass like erm.. all the time? But I'm happy.

Vicious rumors.

I urge everyone.. to see things base on things, and not the person doing it. We might have a certain image of a person, but the things they would do.. you'd be surprised.

Sigh, I am quite disappointed in the amount of things I've found out from the past 2 days and it doesn't get better. I only can pray for the best? Yup.

Am going to get my haircut tomorrow because all this long hair is becoming more of a burden and I still have no idea whether to get long bangs or not? We'll see. :)

Hmm, friday's the submission for our powerpoint for interim and I've yet to start on it. So that means I only have 5 days to complete it, and I still have to work within the 5 days so.. Goodluck to me.

Love

Despite that Nicki looks scary with light eyebrows, the models were so cute.

Life's been pretty.. hmm what's that word.. okay at the moment. Last Wednesday I stayed up till 6am to do stupid inds and slept till 8.30am then proceed on with my work and took a little nap after I've completed then went down to school to print more stuff. So compared to last Wednesday, I guess these days, life's been pretty good.

Oh and pizza's coming soon. :)

/ Argh, love all the shows. I love models.

Accept

I must accept the fact that nobody is like me, and that love works in many ways. Just because someone doesn't agree with you or go along with you doesn't mean they don't love you. It just means they're being a bitch or they just can't give in. I must accept it. I must accept it. It is really for my own good.

I came to sp, with the thoughts of you haunting me so badly that I break down every night, trying to find a reason for myself to be feeling like this, trying to let you go because it really has been too long. And now, it's just a couple of months to graduation and fuck, please don't fucking let me graduate with those thoughts haunting me. This would just means I'm back to square 1 and I think it's clear to everyone that square fucking 1 just sucks.

Yes I can.

I can finish my inds I can finish my inds I can finish my inds I can finish my inds I can finish my inds I can finish my inds I can finish my inds I can finish my inds I can finish my inds I can finish my inds I can finish my inds I can finish my inds I can finish my inds I can finish my inds I can finish my inds I can finish my inds I can finish my inds I can finish my inds I can finish my inds I can finish my inds I can finish my inds I can finish my inds I can finish my inds I can finish my inds I can finish my inds I can finish my inds I can finish my inds I can finish my inds I can finish my inds I can finish my inds

#whoamikidding

Been 2 years since I've let you go.

I've had two choices today. To get mad/heartbroken and question you the moment you wake up, or to stay nonchalant and just ask you out. I'm so glad I made the right one cause I'm so happy now. :3

Bali

Maybe I'll sit by the beach and catch a tan. Or read a book and enjoy the sea breeze. Maybe I'll meet up with a friend and hang out at the mall. Or have a drink or two or maybe three in the bar. Maybe I'll walk around town and take pictures of everything I see. Or just sit in my room and take a nap.

I just want to find myself again.

Fingers crossed.

Ah, tonight. I can think of 5 reasons why I should have my own room.

1. I want to sing along to my songs without letting anyone hear me
2. I would totally change my room layout to something that's easier for me to do my work
3. I want my privacy
4. So I can have sleepovers ^^
5. I'm old enough to?

I love you puggy, do not fail me now.

Stagnant.

If there's a word that describes me, it'll be stagnant. I'm not hurt like how I would be last time but I ain't happy either. I've been talking to a lot of different people lately, just getting to know what they think and I've been opened up to many different opinions. Yet the only one that matters is mine, and the only one I need to know is yours.

Guess I'm just waiting for the last straw.

/ What am I doing really?

/

From today onwards, I'm going to focus on what makes me happy and fuck everything that doesn't. Isn't this what life's about? I might love you, so I've got all the patience in the world for ya, but I ain't saint I can't be here forever for someone who's not afraid for me to leave.

Might be holding your hand but I'm holding it loose.

Crazier.

See? In the end, nothing will change. You'll still be the same and I'll still be at the losing end. Hmm, time to wise up. :) And and and, the things that I did are probably worst than what you did so this is my retribution I guess. #ohwell

Relieved.

You told me how it felt and that's all I need. No hopes on it though because well, I've been done that road before.

/ Reading sad tweets from my broken-hearted girlfriends on twitter just makes me want to talk to each and every of them, comfort them and give them advice that I won't take.

Next time.

This taiwan bulldog we met at pet's lover at vivocity. :)

Awesome, I'm gonna have a lot of ugly dogs in the future. The uglier the better, something alone the line of french bulldogs and little white pugs. Just so damn adorable!

Fast forward?

I can't wait to grow up and have my little baby and just stay at home and not have anything to worry about. Am going to be selfish and let my husband work. Or marry someone rich, someone who can and will provide for me, someone who will be faithful and understanding and loving.

Right now, I don't think that someone can be you.

/

And a little something to how I feel.

I realize my problem isn't what they've done, but instead that they have the ability to do so. I am extremely controlling when it comes to my emotions and my relationships. Everything is a choice, every statement is an option, and every action has a reaction- all of which I analyze before making any form of assertion. Any words I say are true, any emotion I express is real, and anyone I spend time with I care about. I put extreme effort into each and every relationship I have, so I am extremely offended when the same care is not given back to me. It's a sign of true nonchalance, a display of indifference so belittling because I wasn't even worth a moment to consider how it could hurt.

What I feel.

I feel like I've not completely healed and I feel like I'm cheating you.

I feel like leaving but I feel that I'm stucked.

But most importantly, it's not about what I feel anymore.

/

So cheena, but yeah.

The only reason we hold back, is because we think we have an endless amount of chances or that there will always be one more. But as time disappears into the past and life goes on, those chances will run out, and you’ll either live with eternal happiness for being brave, or eternal regret for holding back.

I have died everyday

Everyone go listen to 'A thousand years' by christina perri. Go go go!

I love the rain, plus with the song, I just feel quite happy. I don't know why but my back's aching after my nap and I feel quite cranky but at the same time I'm quite happy?

Skinny love

Even though I want you to treat me better, just a tiny bit.
Even though I want you to tell me how you feel, instead of ignoring me.
Even though I want you to show some care and concern, so I'd feel a little more secure.
Despite all those, I don't mind saying sorry first. Because I know you mean more than my stupid ego. One thing I know is that my faith's running low but do you?

Throw a little salt, we were never here

Embrace

Met up with my old buddy today and went to ikea for dinner. Totally ordered too much but oh well ^^ bought my present for him and wooo, I can't wait for Sunday. 8th 8th 8th, with so many more to come. :)

Gotta love what you have.

Jealousy

I stared at her pictures, till her features go all wrong and she turns real ugly. And then I realise my jealousy's all for nothing.

But then again, I'm always wrong.

/ There are some things which you have to figure out yourself. No point saying, you just gotta realise.

Mystery

They don't understand why I love you

I don't blame them, I don't know either.

All I know is that when I'm not with you, I wanna be with you.

But it seems like love conquers all is just another.. string of words put together so nicely.

Yet again

Everytime I'm stressed out or just very worried, I'd bite my nails, pick on them till it hurts.

Sigh, ugly nails.

Trust me

I know.. I know how you feel. Head vs heart.

But we're different because my heart's winning.

/ and it hurts for me. whereas for you, you don't give a shit

// I really can't do this anymore. I just wish I could say it

Proper update.

Really quite shocked at the amount of views I've gotten. Hmm, hahaha. Okay whatever.

I want to watch one day
I want my tomyam soup
I want to stuff myself with Ben and Jerry

Thank you for the dozen of homemade muffins, it's delicious. I'm so sorry I can't return your love. Inter-racial r/s just don't roll with me.

/ here comes the tears. I prayed for my family member's health all the time, but you always fail me. I can ignore the pain on love, but family.. that's rough.

// because i've always felt like if someone have to get hurt, i'd rather it happen on me. here comes the breakdown.

/

I really don't know what's wrong, whether it's me, or it's you. But I really don't want to play the blame game. I just want this to work out.

#justsaying

If we ever break up, it would be me trying too hard and you not trying enough.

Waiting for the last straw.

I'm a good girl. I don't smoke, I don't gamble and my only vice would probably be biting my nails. I really deserve.. better. Not even good. Better. So yeah, guess I'm just waiting for the last straw :)

And Desaru was probably the worst holiday ever. 2 days would have been enough.. 3? Too long, too boring.

Till they fall down, down, down.

I don't know what to say, all I know is right now I don't look forward to 25 oct. Just want it to pass by like a normal day, just want to stone at home and eat all my comfort food and be fat for a day.

I know I can't expect much and I'm really not expecting anything at all. But I just want you to be nice to me for a day.. can?

Sigh, if you keep this up, well, yeah.

Okay I'm going to be 19 in a few more hours and like, if I have 19 wishes, I'd spend 18 of them on my mama's health and the last one is for you to be nice to me for just one fucking day.

xx

My goal.

19 cards.

Oh how things change. Just don't give up, not just yet.

Last year.

2010 consisted of you and taylor swift's songs.

I want you to be happy, I want you to achieve great things, I want you to do what's best for you, I want the best for you,

and I wanted to love you.

Here's to silence that cuts me to the core

Just know.

Empty vessels make the most noise.

:)

There are no black and white, often just shades of grey.

Deleted the previous post because I don't want to have anything to do with this anymore though I'm inside. But I'm tired of answering to people. You can think I'm lame blah blah blah, I don't really give a fuck. You live your life, I live mine. That's that.

Swear.

If you're smart enough, you'd have known that there's nothing good staying friends with me. Honestly speaking, so just fuc.. yeah you know.

Madrush.

That's how I foresee next week would be. :(

Anyways, went to see a private property today. It's seriously damn awesome, big space and all but the location's sucky. Like at upper thompson. Unless I can drive, otherwise I doubt I'll be staying anywhere near there.

Ah I want my own ice cream maker, that way I can have my ice cream 24/7. ^^ I can imagine myself making so many flavours, plus getting those mix-ins. Wah, shiok.

1

I miss soccer.

But honestly, I just miss playing soccer with that bunch of people which is about 4/5 years ago.

^^

Had fish and co yesterday in celebration of him getting his license! Then bb gave me a ride home yesterday cause he got his license. Yay finally ^^

So later I'm heading out for chilli crabs at westcoast then sushi for tomorrow. :)

If I die young

I really don't mind dying young. I don't mind it at all. But they always say.. you've got a whole life ahead of you, a beautiful life, a happy one. But no one can guarantee that the rest of your life would be smooth sailing and happy and promising and all that positive words that you might want to use. Nobody. Nobody can be sure that you might develop some kind of terminal disease when you're older and be suffering and in pain 24/7.

So yes, I don't mind dying young.

Just food for thought.

Who do you think you are

We're all the same. All so fake. So let me just end everything here. No point holding on or letting go because we all know what's going to happen.

Soccer on Saturday to celebrate coach's belated birthday. I miss soccer so damn much and it's so sad to say my body's not that tough anymore. My boots was this close to falling apart and I only can rely on tape now. :(

For the first time, I finally felt that my eds is making progress but I'm so scared the lecturers won't like my stuff. So hard.

Just tonight.

I want to take a knife and stab it at your fucking face

and yours
and yours
and yours
and
yours.

Oh hi Mr Percy

Thankful.

I've just finished re-watching Time Traveler's Wife and I'm so thankful that nobody I love experience problems like that. Seriously. Like so thankful that they're all healthy and we can have small fights that doesn't really mean anything in the end and at the end of the day, they'll still be there when I need them.

So thankful that you're you and I'm me and yeah.

/ Oh, have you ever dislike anyone so much that you want them to disappear from your life? I have. Right now. Want them to just disappear. I'll be so eternally thankful for that. :')

#1

All I want to do right now, is grow old with you.

Because it really seems like I'm only happy around you.

Hypocritamus.

Well well well, I'm just glad that one of your face is happy with her face.

/ I wonder if you even knew what you did. If things are none of your business then I suggest you stay out of it. 20 years of living and you haven't learn that? I regret all that I've done for you. Planning a surprise that was so successful that you cried. I'd take that back if I knew what I had coming for mine. To be honest, it really sucks. To put in effort for someone and in return you get back shit. Fuck thought that counts. It doesn't really count as much. It just shows how much you cared. And I can't even get an apology from you? Haha, stupid fuck. Yeah you're a stupid fuck.

No, I'm not overreacting because I just feel fake friends should just be eliminated from your life because well, you know, just quoting from a famous song, "no time for losers"

For now.

I want like cuter bikinis. Or maybe like, I need a plain black swimming bottom so I can match that h&m bikini top from China. Damn it, but if I swim too much, I'll get tanner and my concealer will be useless. Hmmm

/

I just a little under appreciated.

Okay, who am I kidding?

Maybe a whole lot.

///// Maybe I'll just always be another name to your fb account.

Schedule.

Morning - Eat primrose oil pills
Night - 100 crunches + apply that oil thingy on your scars

Just in case I forget.

Sunday night.

Went to Faith's 45th Birthday dinner yesterday and our parents met for the first time. People's parents usually meet each other maybe after, erm 8-12 months? But us? Within less than 4 months, they meet. But all's good because I think they genuinely like each other. :)

Okay, fun's over. Need to chiong my eds now and vda. Super super super overdue.

Birthdays

Let's just say, a birthday can make you realize who your true friends are and yeah, don't expect me to do much anything.

I'm so sorry that I'm not the least sorry.

Right now.

“You’re a good man. You are handsome and kind and smart and good but you’re perfect, but, um, I’m, busy, holding myself together with tape and glue, and a piece of me wishes that you hadn’t played golf then you’d be all taped and glued too and maybe you’d be where I am. You’re too much for me right now because I’m busy with the tape and the glue.”

This is so, true.

/ Maybe I'm just not good enough for you, maybe I just don't deserve you.. maybe you could do so much better.

// Daddy increased our allowance to $50/week and I don't really think I'm worth that much.

/// All that self-loath and hatred. Too much for tonight.

Slacker/Me

When I say I like to stay at home, I swear I'm totally serious. I can stay home 24/7, 7 days a week and who knows, maybe forever. I just hate going out and shit, I'd rather cook for myself and stay at home.

Anyways, I pray to God that he'll bless me with speed and motivation for eds. I am changing my topic. So like.. we had 2 months? to do our eds but since I'm changing it right now, I only have 5 weeks left to complete. Champion. But Sarah haven't even approve.

/ Oh I just signed up for 10km marathon. Wth.

Shadows.

they hide the details // they leave you wondering.

Ifs.

If we didn't start/end that way 5 years ago, then maybe it wouldn't be like this right now.

/

Bored and he's asleep and I can't sleep until my phone's fully charged. :( OH yeah, today I'm happy because I met my aisyah and my jill and got my pretty nuabs and my pretty shorts and shit, I want those two pairs of steve madden's and one pair of new look. I am so dead, I didn't even know I like shoes that much.

Okay, I'm out.

No more.

I had to explain how I got those scars on my legs four times today (or maybe more). This shop uncle even asked if I went to war.

I really hate them, ugly stupid scars.

So freaking ugly.

Breakdown.

Sometimes when I get so mad at you, and I can't even explain myself, that's when I #breakdown.

Want 2.

i want my old body back so much that
i want to cry.
i'm just a fat fuck right now.
Fuck.
(Tonight is self pity night, tonight is so bad, tonight is horrible, tonight i just want you here beside me but i'll never tell you how bad tonight was because that's who i am)

Every girl wants their boyfriend to be like their father

x the way you recovered my lost pictures (!!!)
x the way you almost always fetch/send me here and there
x the way you always pay for my air tickets, no matter how often the trips were
x the way you tell stupid jokes
x the way you laugh

This post came a little too late, but Happy Father's Day. I couldn't have anyone better.

-

These days, I've been having quite vivid dreams and right now, I only can remember this particular one.

I was on this boat, with I forgot who, and it just rowed across some open water and it fucking overturned into another open water. It was so magnificent, there was trees and mountains floating on the water and the sky was just beautiful. But it was also so damn scary.

Anyways, hopefully I'll get my nuabs tomorrow, just need to decide on a colour..

Long term

yeah, it's you

Yes

Finally I've data plan for my blackberry.

So MuCh Fun

It's still early for us but

me : what if i gained 10kg? would you still love me?
you : yeah, that's when you'll be pregnant with my child.

hahahaaha

/ Anyways, I want to be skinny until my bones become defined.

No I'm not sick

Loss.

I don't know what to do.

Oh.

you know i love you.

The vow.

Omfg, channing tatum + rachel mcadams in the same movie.

I can't wait.

.

Today was one of the happiest I've been since.. Dalian. Days with you are always one of the best. You are the best.

K anyways, having gastric now. Maybe it was because of my near to 9pm dinner but I wasn't really hungry to eat anything. Damn.

You.

I don't know a lot of things. I'm kinda stupid at times, childish and immature. I don't know when to stop my jokes, when to be serious and how to read your emotions.

But one thing I'll always know is to keep you, close to my heart.

/

Never been happier. To be home.

<3

Excited

Hehe, flying off to Beijing in another... 7 hours? I'm gonna sleep soon but whenever I touch my leg and feel that deep scab.. I wanna cry. It's so ugly.

I'm coming home

Tomorrow marks the last day that I'll be spending here in my creepy dorm (but somehow I think we're all used to it) and in Dalian because on early Friday morning we'll be flying off to Beijing! Omg, can't wait since there's gonna be a 4 star hotel for us and yeah, pretty much a little holiday. Heh

Me and noelle just laughed pretty hard at some of the pictures on stomp, and I think that's the thing I'm gonna miss. Staying with a friend. Though it's hard but it's a lot of fun. And I'm gonna miss liyana's irritating singing at night, terri's lovely bum and alicia's heavy sleeping (okay just kidding ^^).

Right now I'm having a luggage crisis and and and I can't stop thinking about my skinned shin. It's still so gross. Okay back to my luggage crisis, I think I'm gonna ship back some clothes tomorrow because there's completely no space in my luggage if I were to squeeze them all in and I can do that but if I'm at Beijing, then there's gonna be NO shopping at all because there's really no more space for it but I still have quite an amount of money left to shop so yeah I'll just ship back some stuff to get more space to get more shopping done and yeah. Okay, just want to reassure myself that I'm doing the right thing. Dear God, please keep our parcels safe and send them back to our homes in Singapore asap. :)

And and and yesterday was the first time outta of the days in Dalian that I actually heard his voice! <3 Makes me wanna run all the way home just to give him a hug. Argh, miss him so much. Actually, I miss everybody so much. Especially my sweettalk pearls, my spaghetti from pioneer's koufu, my chicken wings, my sambal seafood, my chicken rice, my carrot cake and my freaking B&J!!! But when I'm back in SG, I'm gonna miss the beef chips, the shrimp flakes, the shrimp pretz, the shao bing, the fried hotdog and the freaking huge chicken drumstick!!! Damn it.

Just so you know

I'm not that selfish to let both of us suffer.

Mishap

On friday, we'll fly off to Beijing and then next tuesday, we'll be flying back to Singapore! I really.. really.. can't fucking wait! Seeing everybody packing their stuff to ship back to SG makes me so excited but scared because I think my luggage will be overweight? Okay but who cares right now.

Anyways, just now while bathing, I was shaving my legs and... I shaved off part of my skin. It was so gross and painful and bloody and I never want to do that to myself ever again. Urgh so so so disgusting. :(

#11

I honestly can't wait to go back, because 2 months with some people really brings out the worst in us and I am quite irritated at this point.

Count to 10, take it in

x missing siew's visit to SG and
x sis' graduation ceremony and
x his mum's birthday
x finding out things that scared the shit outta me
x slowly running out of time to complete my EDS shit
x my vans caryn
x books at $4
x 12 more days till I'll be back
x black shatter with grey base
x gaining all this weight I'm afraid I can't lose
x having the urge to cry whenever I'm left alone
x the cute (!!!!!) thai butch in yes or no
x found the cheapest shrimp pretz

Even if you decide to give up on us, I don't mind, I don't mind. Because I don't deserve this, your love, I don't deserve it.

Favourite.

‎"I like to see people reunited, I like to see people run to each other, I like the kissing and the crying, I like the impatience, the stories that the mouth can't tell fast enough, the ears that aren't big enough, the eyes that can't take in all of the change, I like the hugging, the bringing together, the end of missing someone." - Jonathan Safran Foer (Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close)

But there's nothing I can do if you're giving up. Baby, we're just so close, 14 days, and you're just.. gonna give up?

Darkness

Damn it, the power totally tripped and now I'm typing this in total darkness.

We watched beastly just now and Alex Pettyfer is so hot but erm, the storyline totally sucked. Like seriously? It went so corny towards the end.

I guess tonight's the same. No talking to him on skype. Thanks dalian's electricity.

Good day

Ikea > Dorm > Food street > Graphic bookshop > Side gate > Dorm > Hm's room for her surprise.

Though after Ikea, everywhere we went is in school or beside school but seriously, this school is the size of jurong east to chinese garden, or maybe bigger. My legs/shoulders/back are aching like mad right now and all I want is a massage.

Dad got me my shoes and now I'm waiting for 2 pair of shorts, 1 pair of jeans together with 3 other bags to arrive then I'll stop shopping because the feeling of money gone from your wallet.. sucks.

17 more days.

/

Love/hate relationship with you. Yeah, the amount of love I have for you is equivalent to the amount of hate.

My boyfriend doesn't know

.that his words hurt me real bad sometimes
.that I don't know when he is joking
.and when he is not
.that I hate myself
.that in this foreign country, the last thing I need is his coldness (but that's the way he is, so fuck me.)

I'm in this mood where I want to cry because things are so bad but they are not really that bad because I don't exactly know what the problem is. I think I just miss him. But yeah, 20 more days. I can do this, we can do this.

Right now, I'm so inspired by models, just standing there looking pretty tall and skinny with the garments.

She said,

"if a guy texts you even in the club, then he's someone worth the keep"

and it made me realise, how much I want to keep you by my side. I don't ever want to lie to you, and I just want to be a better person for you. Believe me, I'm trying.

Meanwhile, I'm thinking of red/blue streaks in my hair?

/

I thought last night was going to be one of those nights where I can't even get to talk to you properly before heading to bed, and it was.

But when I woke up, I saw three texts from you.

And I couldn't be happier.

I love you smelly,
xo

Lose my mind

It just seems like you're doing all that you can to forget me while I'm doing everything I can to make you remember me. This push and pull effect, who the fuck will win?

On and on and on

I don't know I feel happy now, maybe it's because I'm eating my milo ice-cream (freaking big cup of it and it's only $1, and it makes me less homesick), or because I have a new pair of shorts waiting for me to collect, or because I finally got my subjects to shoot for my EDS, or maybe because I finally realize time is actually passing quite fast.

Or maybe because the boy finally fixed his mic in his laptop so I can finally hear his voice but I doubt he's ever speaking to me because he's "shy". Argh.

Anyways, life is good but I'd rather spend it in SG with him and my family. Think I can never study abroad anymore... but that's good.

Feelings

Why does it feel like I'm the only one trying? I seriously don't know what's your problem. You say you miss me, but when I ask you when you wanna talk to me, you never answer.

Arghhhhhhh how much I love you is how much I hate you.

/ wanna kill you now la.

Adapt.

From this remaining days that I'll be here, I'll try not to care about you.

Even though we're official, but whenever you're fucked up, I'm fucked up too.

And I don't want to be fucked up.

/ And how the fuck do you want me to believe that you truly love me, when ignoring me is all you're fucking doing now? Grow up.

Because

with you, I can put down my pride and I guess..

that's how much I love you. Because if it was another else, I wouldn't give a fucking damn. So please, meet me halfway.

How many times?

I hate nights like this when I go to bed, hating both you and me.

Never

Live chatting with our entrepreneurship lecturer via this application. It's quite fun!!

Okay, new specs later. Hehe ^^

I love you

but I hate this.

Between missing you and getting all this shits from you every now and then, I think it's the latter that will drive me crazy.

You.

"Relationships come with a lot of tribulations. We fight, we yell, we get jealous, we cry, we feel pain, we hurt, we scream, we get frustrated, we get angry, we get upset, we break up and our emotions take us over. So why do we do it? Why would we want to feel not just sad, but truly hurt, sad to the point where your whole body hurts just because of one person, sad to the point where you feel empty when everything falls apart, sad to the point where your heart aches for the company of that being. I’ll tell you why I do it, its because besides all those moments when your stupidity gets in the way of what your truly feeling and you “fight”, the moments when you are truly loving someone are the most touching, astounding, magnificent moments you will ever experience. When two people are just loving each other its magical. And to those of you who are to scared of getting hurt and too scared of the baggage that comes with relationships, let me tell you this, having someone you love and having them love you back is a feeling that you can not substitute. Having someone look at you with such a deep emotion is remarkable. Having someone touch with so much care brings a feeling of weightlessness throughout your whole body. Having someone whisper they love you feels like they screamed it. Having someone to hold your hand at all times just feels special. Having someone to be your best friend and be loyal to you and never lie to you feels so safe. So yeah, relationships suck, breaking up hurts, but having that someone that you feel so comfortable with, someone that you let inside your soul, someone that lets you inside theirs, someone to talk to at all hours during the day, someone to laugh with, someone to fall asleep with, having someone that is your other half for whatever amount of time you are together, is true beauty and I wouldn’t trade it for the world."

I'll follow you into the dark

Being in this buang country, with the buang internet, I can't do much except read through my tumblr. It has like 371 pages worth of memories, both good and bad. Right now, I'm reading through the period where I just felt like dying and shit because of *. Phew, thank God everything's gone now and I'm SO much happier despite being here and all. But I just am happier.

Anyways, 38 more days to go and let me just say, having your period in this country, this dirty place, is not at all fun to do. I just feel disgusted 24/7 with everything but thank God, you're here to make me laugh whenever it's possible. And m&ms is just 4RMB, which is like 80 cents? Damn cheap comfort food. :)

But bad thing about being here is that my skin is so buang right now, I can actually cry. Argh, and my hair.. the curls are almost gone. It's wavy now and I don't think I trust the china hairstylists with my hair though it's cheap and all. Yeah. Oh yeah, I need to get new specs.

Guess that's all.

Sometimes.

I wish you wouldn't be so selfish because you're not the only one suffering. Trust me.. you're not the only one suffering in this situation. You don't know how homesick I am right now and how much I'd give to come back to the sunny island. I don't tell you because what's the point? It'll only make you feel even worse than what we're both feeling right now. But all that I'm asking from you right now is don't be selfish and know your limits okay?

Lazy Sunday

First week down, five more left in this dorm then one last one at Beijing. Today's Sunday so basically we lazed around before doing the laundry at the laundry room (totally troublesome..) then roamed around looking for lunch/dinner and guess what?

We found a puppy. It's now in the guy's dorm and it's ours. Freaking adorable.

But this still doesn't change the fact that I want time to pass asap so that I'll come home to you.

Day 5.

Everything's been good except I think I'm quite homesick now and I just can't wait to go back. 47 more days to go, till I can see you and hold you in my arms. For now, puggy will replace you.

Day 1

I fucking miss home and, seriously. I want to fucking go home and end my stay here. I miss everything so badly. Sucks sucks sucks!

Promise.

Love conquers all, including distance right? 2 months is nothing. Gotta have faith.

Alright, I guess this will be the last blog post before I fly off tomorrow. It's been such a wild March/April, filled with so much love and unexpected shits. Thank you for everything you have done for me, and sorry for giving you something that you didn't have to go through, if not because of me. I'll be seeing you soon. <3

Ps, don't watch limitless. bad ending = bad everything.

First and last.

Sleeping lesser than lesser as compared to when I'm working at Immedius Press. :/ Skin's also getting worst. But it's all worth it.

Happy 1st.

1 year ago.

Today's the first day of FOP and it was quite busy, running errands here and there and finally settling down at MLT1 for the briefing. Just 2 years, on the exact same date I stepped into SP for the very first time. Now instead of feeling nervous and all that shit, I'm quite comfortable with my surroundings. Yeah, time flies, so fast. 2 years.. so what is 2 months?

Walked home and saw the 9th storey guy but wasn't.. feeling anything at all because of you. I'm sorry for putting you through this because I know this isn't what you expected.. at all. But yeah. Sucks to be you seriously.

Today's probably the first time in so long that I've like actually fight for my love.

Don't regret it one bit. Sorry for the previous disappointment but I've lived up to your expectations right?

/

Everything is so hard. I hate them for talking, for judging but I don't blame them because I'd hate myself too. I honestly don't know what to do, in hopes of not making you hate me too.

Really.

Quoted from Xinyi which she quoted from me, "Losing that job, was probably one of the luckiest thing that happened to me since the start of April."

Right now, we're interning at school, under Shirlynn because we had to clock in 6 weeks and we got fired at the beginning of the fifth week. Working under/with Shirlynn is damn fun and slack and everything our previous company is not. But I miss Bing and.. okay yeah, only Bing.

We have to attend FOP from Mon - Thurs next week as Shirlynn's right & left hand, I'm the right because I'm always right. Yeah, hopefully nothing goes wrong during the FOP and we'll get the grades we deserve? :)

Went to get my flu jab just now, and he got his chicken pox jab. :/ I hate hate hate needles because the feeling of it poking into your skin is just disgusting and the feeling of the doctor pulling it out is.. worst. So yeah. At least it's over now. Settled my windows installation into my macbook too.

Last thing to do now is the packing for China and maybe I want to buy a coat for china. (But I doubt mum allows but fingers crossed?)

Shall go and eat my bnj's now because you're outside and I'm bored and I don't want to bother you because nowadays I just feel like such a burden. So much so that I just don't feel like I'm good enough. For you.

Bored

Celebrate

Went to have our bak ku teh at song fa + marble slab with ahbing and xinyiaiai. Feeling shiok to the max, then coming home seeing my BNJ's in the freezer.

Only thing's missing is you. But I don't want to wake you up. Tsk.

/ Oh fuck the moment I posted this, you texted. Heh.

Right now

I just feel like crying. If you ever come back by The Script is on reply and I can't stop thinking about leaving Singapore for Dalian. 2 months is no joke.

No freaking joke.

Thoughts.

From losing him to gaining you. From having this job and being fired before the designated date. I've never thought 2011 would turn out this way. Never.

What am I feeling right now? Like.. really fortunate and unlucky at the same time. Conflicted feelings.

Everytime you say you're lucky/privileged to have me.. I keep quiet because I know I'm the lucky one.

Tired.

Dover > Clarke Quay > Paragon > Cathy > Clarke Quay > Tiong baru > Pioneer

Legs died.

Me and you.

Haven't even 1 month but we've already made so many plans lasting up to at least August. Scary ain't it but it's me and you, so we can make this work.

Love you.

/ Fucking sad now cause like money's like water to me now. Spend and spend and no fucking earn. I feel like shit. Shit. Fuck this. No lunch for me tomorrow because I had 4 fucking meals today and it's not those small kind. And because it's really time to save money.

Must

When I'm in china, one thing's for sure. Diet.

Otherwise, everything's been quite lovely nowadays except times when I feel like killing you. But otherwise, all's great.

Wishful Thinking

Here I am, in front of my macbook pro, munching on a bowl of spicy prawn crackers despite my throat dying, sounding incredibly lame. But okay, I had a big bowl of chicken mushroom campbell soup with a large packet of enoki mushroom and that's all it takes to bring me back to when I had my holidays free because I always have that for lunch. Miss having nothing to do and nothing to worry about. Nowadays, it'd be worrying if I will need to stay back for OT and etch more shits or finish more layouts. It's so annoying to be sitting in front of a giant screen and face photoshop & indesign for 7 hours and sometimes more. :/ Anyways, we can totally start the countdown next week. 10 more working days then it'll end. :)

But with you, I look forward to ending work because I know I'll be seeing you. You make me so happy. I don't want to leave you.

You make me wanna get this party started

Today was the first time in my life that I had seen a dead body, though it's a dog. I don't count tiny pets like fishes, birds and etc so yeah. It was a sad wtf moment because I got reminded of the deaths that I've had experienced and the body lying there.. is just so real but it's gone. Understand? It sucks.

I can feel myself falling sick but I'm still eating my milo nuggets. Urgh, never can I take care of myself properly. I feel so inferior and every time I see myself in your eyes, I feel so disgusted because I can see my ugly self.

Monday Blues

Alright, going to do a short post then I'm heading off to bed. Today was a chill day, went over to Fion's chalet. Left pretty early cause there's cremation to attend tomorrow. So not looking forward to it. But yeah.

Love how we can talk about almost everything now.

Hey baby

Went to a dog farm today at Pasir Ris. Those puppies in that small crowded cages really makes me feel kinda sad cause they're still so young and like, they must squeeze inside there. Urgh.. Anyways, chiwawas are so damn cute!!

Everyday I give a little of myself to you, then at the end of the day I'd question myself if.. everything's going way too fast and might actually end fast too. Gotta have faith.

Stare

When I find something appealing/attractive/good, I'll just keep staring at it. Till the features loses its balance and then it'll be fucking ugly to me. But you. I can stare at you the whole day and still find you beautiful.

TGIF

One more day to the weekends. Can't wait. :)

Maybe all I need

Left with 3 more weeks of work but after that will be China and not much time will be spent with you. Everyday I can't wait to end work because I'll be seeing you.

Today I was so thickskin and I almost cried in front of you but held everything in because crying's no use right. But at least I got what I want.

1<3

/ I have nothing else to ask for anymore because you're so truthful to me. Sometimes it hurts because the truth hurts, for both the one saying it and the one listening. I thank you for being honest but my heart breaks every time you speak. This love is getting a little too.. much.

// Argh, I feel so horrible. I feel like crying but there's no time to do so. I don't know what to feel. Such a bad way to start the morning.

They don't matter.

We will last.

/ And I miss her. It's just so weird without her in the house. Swear.

Coming home

Today was such a bad and sad day. Rip okay, I will miss you.

Thank you for being honest with me. I know it's hard, drawing that line, choosing what to say so that you won't hurt me with their words. But it's okay, it's expected anyways and I didn't expect much from the beginning but who says no expectations equals no disappointments? Because truth is, you'll get hurt anyways.

Your love cuts me.

Nothing better than this

Mummy actually remembered that I wanted the white rabbit sweet and she bought them for me this morning. Heh

We made pizza for lunch and the rest of the day was spent watching stupid movies and playing stupid games. I'm going to miss your stupid face.

Work

Argh

The more I think about it, the more I think it's true.

Fuck me.

/ Think think think think think until you siao.

Walk and walk non stop

Today was such a tiring day at work. We really have nothing more to etch cause me and Xinyi too efficient ah (hehe) then yeah, we went to United Square to return stuff. From 12pm to 3pm we were out. Seriously, I felt like dying. Too tired. Then from 3pm to 7pm.. we snacked a lot, hmm, did nothing.. found quite a number of backgrounds and yeah, did nothing. So tired so tired so tired.

Alright, gonna nua now cause meeting someone later for my 1 hour massage. Ha

Ahhh

What's wrong with me?

No, this can't be revenge.

I like the way

But when love is right, it feels so nice.

Someone once said that once you experience something real, your first true love or anything remotely close to the sheer purity of that first love, nothing will ever compare. And once you start a new relationship, no matter what, after that first love, you will go into that relationship with two people: The guy who holds your hand and the guy who holds your heart. Most likely these two people aren’t the same, but if you find someone who is, then that’s how you know you have the real thing.

But then you came closer

Work's okay. The workload makes us sleepy at times but the radio's random songs keeps us awake most of the time. Or when we can't take it.. we just sneak to the toilet and take a very short nap.

I'm actually happy nowadays. I can say this even though yesterday night was horrible for me but it's just one of those nights that you feel shitty and you question everything. I thank you for actually making me happy because I didn't know I could. But I am. As much as I kinda dislike this, but I don't mind staying like this. I'd regret saying this because if we stayed like this for a long while.. I'll feel even shittier than last night.

Giving you all this because I can and because I can't for the next 2 months to come and who knows, maybe after the 2 months I can't either. Nothing's certain but I want us to be.

At war

The pessimistic and optimistic sides in my mind are at war and right now, the pessimist is winning - by a huge lead.

I remember.. how much it hurts.. when you did all those stuff. How could I let you momentarily let myself forget all those pain.. the scars.. everything.

What do you want from me

Hush hush

Today waa quite happening but I can't blog about it because it's so private and shit and I don't know, might not even tell anyone.

But I'm happy.

Helpless as it is

There's no running but I can't really face it. Today, I realized how much you meant to me and how fucked I am because of it.

Anyways, Jasmine's elated birthday party's today. Was nice to see faces that I haven't been seeing for quite some time. I like hanging out with them cause most of them have cars so like, free ride home. Hahaha, and Chai's so nice. I told her I'm going China for 2 months and she wants to send me off. :)

/ You make me happy. But there's nobody that could make me so upset too. So. Yeah. How? Who can help me?

Why?

Aren't you scared you'll miss me with everything you're doing right now?

Because I am. So fucking scared.

Anyways, I got my Canon G12 today. Damn chio, I love.

I do it everytime

Work's bearable cause there's Xinyi and Libing. I really don't know what to do if I'm interning alone because I think.. I'll literally die there so who gives a shit for the pay. The companions' more important.


I opened the door for this model, me + Xinyi and Libing both think that she's damn pretty but like the rest of our colleagues doesn't think so. Wah but she is. Really. Right? ^^

Smart listens to the head, stupid listens to the heart. This is really.. quite hard for me. I have no idea what to do.

Take a bite of my heart tonight.

Current favourite song of the moment is Animal by Neon Trees.

Work was work, boring but bearable at times. I love opening the door for models and asking them to take a seat. Sometimes I really think I should have taken up Event Management but like, I didn't even heard of that course before until Year 1. Then, yeah, the usual dinner after work. :)

You, you, you, you, you, you're just.. enough for me. I hope it's the same for you too.

/
Anything other than yes is no
Anything other than stay is go
Anything less than "I love you" is lying

Lie

You said nah, but I smiled because I knew you were lying.

Don't be so sure of yourself, because you might just cause your own downfall.

/ And tell you guys something stupid. Back to December is Xinyi and mine song but yesterday when it was on radio then halfway singing, I was like your december very good ah? then Xinyi was like no ah then I was like then why this one our song?! Hahaha, so dumb.

Secret project.

I'm gonna do something. Day #01, #02, #03 and so on till day #40 because that's when I'm gone.

I'm so excited about this!!!!! :D

And I will keep you in my mind, the way you make love so fine

I like it when they like the smores that I've made! Feels happy when people around me are happy!
I like it when I reach home and everybody's home. Haven't been home before 8.30pm since last Thursday. :/
I like it when me and Xinyi sings along to the radio at work. ^^
I like it when.. you're sweet and nice to me.

Life have been treating me way too good nowadays, I'm just waiting for the downfall.

/ If I don't give my heart to you, you can't tear it in two.

I don't know why I try to run.

I can't really finish a bowl of pasta, or a roll of popiah cause too much of the same thing is quite sickening to me. But you.. I could do this.

You. Me. Everyday.

Just tonight.

- Imm
- Tiong Baru
- Clementi

A good end to my weekends and all the best to me for internship tomorrow. So excited to etch those pictures...

Grandma's having this operation tomorrow and even though it's minor, I hope everything goes well. :)

Deleted and saved all my previous posts somewhere else.. just to be safe.

Cherish and appreciate. All that I'll do right now.

“Your memory is a monster; you forget — it doesn’t. It simply files things away. It keeps things for you, or hides things from you — and summons them to your recall with a will of its own. You think you have a memory; but it has you.”

— A Prayer for Owen Meany by John Irving