One of those nights

Sometimes it feels as though as I've successfully push away people who cares about me but it might be because there isn't any to start with and I'm starting to think it's the latter. Maybe it's the cider that's making me extra emotionally, or it might be because I think my period's going to come, or maybe for every good day/night you have, you get double the bad days/night. But it doesn't change the fact that I miss him and I hate myself for that.

/

There's always this moment, when I get up to use the bathroom and get back to my bed but it's so cold because of the air-conditioning and you pull the blankets to cover your entire body but still shiver because your blankets went cold because of the air-conditioning but you're fine with it because you know you will be okay, you will be warm soon enough and you will drift back to sleep.

That's how I feel right now. After a 2 hour long conversation with Xinyi, I actually feel better. Even though I have no clue on what I'm going to do but it feels like things will be okay, I will be okay soon enough. I will be okay. I will be okay. I will be okay. I just need to make this feeling last.

Break away from something more.

Melanie Martinez's covers are really awesome, check out her rendition of 'Bulletproof'. Her voice is just like.. angelic and there's this certain amount of rasp in it that balances out the sweetness.

Okay anyways, I really am quite confused about things right now. But one thing's certain, I have to stop. Have to. Stop. Checking on this and that, thinking about him and that. I have no idea why I asked him to meet and then chickened out and postponed it till next week. I have no idea what I am even going to do when we meet and why on earth did he even agree to meet. I guess I just have to let things go, let those things that I'll never have any answers to go, let them fade away and stop haunting my mind like a ghost. But it's always better said than done right? And I've never been the patient kinda person, that's why sometimes when I want to move on, I want to move on. Like instantly, but that's never the case and that's why I keep going back to square 1. I need to love the pain, to give myself time and that's horribly hard.

This time baby,

I don't know why I hate getting drunk/super high yet I keep wanting to do it and immediately regret it. Dumb girl. Anyways, yesterday was spent playing pool and L4D2 for an hour which got me totally addicted and now all I wanna do is kill those annoying zombies. Afterwards was MacDonald's for supper with the usual. Super sinful but you only live once right? Been having too much late nights lately and it's not good for my body mind and soul so I'm going to try to stop but who am I kidding? My homies are all night owls. Yes, homies. I'm falling in love with heavy rap music, I have no idea why. And I've been told by everybody that I'm losing weight but with all that supper, I don't understand why. But it could be because of the diet pills I've been taking since October, yes, must be. This post is all over the place because that's how my thoughts are nowadays, all over the place. But I think I'm fine.. with the chaos in my head. It just shows a big contrast against my really boring life. So whatever I'm doing is self inflicted but I can't seem to stop. I'm just waiting, for that moment when everything becomes crystal clear and it might be some time tonight.

Joke.

My life is a joke. I want to be drunk forever, to never be sober enough to realize that I have no future so I won't be feeling like this the whole time. It's such a painful fact to be living with everyday.

Said and done

Just got back from KL yesterday night, accompanied JJC soccer girls as their tour manager which was really like a redundant post cause even though I didn't think I did nothing but I certainly didn't do much. It was a good trip though, had fun with the girls and it made me miss playing soccer competitively so much. But yeah, I know I suck at soccer now and it always make me feel bad about myself.

Something happened just now which made my heart sank a little and now I have to sleep with a heavy heart which kinda sucks. Sometimes life just randomly throws you a setback and you're totally not ready for this shit and you have nothing to do but deal with it. Even when you had a plan to deal with it but new shit just keeps coming up and now you're forced to regroup. I honestly have no idea what to do.

The irony.

What if birds were actually afraid of heights, but they were made to fly most of the time? What if fishes were all afraid of drowning, but the only way they could survive was to be in the water? And us, humans, we all long to fly, to survive underwater for a longer period of time without the help of an oxygen tank but we were just made to walk. To live on land. To be able to do so many more things that creatures like birds and fishes can't do. But we were made to be jealous of them, because they could live differently. Because if I was given a choice, I would probably chose to live underwater, perhaps a mermaid if I could, but not like this.

I've spent too much time swimming for the past 2 weeks that I'm starting to smell like chlorine but I'm not complaining. I love being underwater. I love the feeling of being surrounded by large body of waters. I love how my thoughts only consisted of "just keep swimming" and "breathe properly" and I tune out almost completely to what my problems were just earlier. I love how the sun shines its light onto the water and causes the light streaks underwater. It's too beautiful to be captured and it always make me feel happy. That's why I want to be a mermaid, because life underwater is just too beautiful.

Stay.

There's been too many thoughts going through my mind, all at once, lately and it's driving me insane. I have no idea what I'm feeling and it's really horrible and making me feel very empty at the same time. Sometimes I get really angry at myself, for putting myself in this situation again and feel really stupid for doing the same thing all over, when I somehow know what I should really be doing. Except I have no idea what I'm doing right now, whether this is what I want or what I can accept. All I know is I look at them and think how lucky they are to have you and that I will never be that girl who has it. It infuriates me even more when I imagine if I'm a guy, and it's girls like them that I will like and it occurs to me that I am just jealous and I hate that emotion. Being jealous, because it means you are not content with yourself and I should be. I have everything I need but all that's missing are the things I want. It doesn't help when I can't get myself to sleep, then I just lie there thinking and putting stupid ideas in my head to convince myself to do the next morning. It really doesn't help. I just wake up feeling really empty and with an even more confused mind. I wish I can just cry and cry, till I fall asleep and I'd feel better the next day but I know that's not the way this works. I just want you to stay. With me.

What do I want?

I want to hurt myself, so deep so so so damn deep till it's almost impossible to get up. I want to cry till I can't breathe and maybe go into a coma for a few weeks till I can forget that this even happened. I want to hear every lie, see every truth and drink every last drop till I break down.

Then maybe I'll learn to do the right thing for myself, next time.

I'm that girl.

Don't know whether I'm blinded, or just plain old stupid.

Think it's the latter.

It's ok.

The most common phrase to say to myself every single day. It's okay to be treated like this because that's their karma, not yours. It's okay if you don't feel like talking, you don't owe anybody anything. It's okay if you feel this way, you just need time. It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.

I am such an idiot, but I feel like I'm going crazy. Is this still okay?

Took it all.

Am listening to Adele's Take It All and got overwhelmed with feelings from the past. But I can't put my thoughts into words and I have no idea why. I just know that I miss you a lot, and I would give anything to make us last. But.. yeah. No means no.