/

Constantly being mind fucked by facts that I discover on my own.. doesn't help that it doesn't help me in any way at all, just lets me know that I'm so inferior in every single way. Blah.

You gotta just stop. Accept it and stop, just fucking stop. No, no, no. Just stop. I always say this but I always repeat the same damn mistake. Dumbass.

/

I grocery shop like I'm 10, except now I have more money and less self control. I eat like I'm 1, with pieces of food all over the surroundings of my plate. I listen like I'm 3, always manage to leave out certain parts people say.

But I'm 21 this year. I am supposed to be a teenager no more. I am supposed to know my goals in life, what I want to achieve and who I want to be in the future. I am supposed to be clear and focus on those things. I am supposed to be mature and independent.

Supposed to.

But I am not.

One of those nights

Sometimes it feels as though as I've successfully push away people who cares about me but it might be because there isn't any to start with and I'm starting to think it's the latter. Maybe it's the cider that's making me extra emotionally, or it might be because I think my period's going to come, or maybe for every good day/night you have, you get double the bad days/night. But it doesn't change the fact that I miss him and I hate myself for that.

/

There's always this moment, when I get up to use the bathroom and get back to my bed but it's so cold because of the air-conditioning and you pull the blankets to cover your entire body but still shiver because your blankets went cold because of the air-conditioning but you're fine with it because you know you will be okay, you will be warm soon enough and you will drift back to sleep.

That's how I feel right now. After a 2 hour long conversation with Xinyi, I actually feel better. Even though I have no clue on what I'm going to do but it feels like things will be okay, I will be okay soon enough. I will be okay. I will be okay. I will be okay. I just need to make this feeling last.

Break away from something more.

Melanie Martinez's covers are really awesome, check out her rendition of 'Bulletproof'. Her voice is just like.. angelic and there's this certain amount of rasp in it that balances out the sweetness.

Okay anyways, I really am quite confused about things right now. But one thing's certain, I have to stop. Have to. Stop. Checking on this and that, thinking about him and that. I have no idea why I asked him to meet and then chickened out and postponed it till next week. I have no idea what I am even going to do when we meet and why on earth did he even agree to meet. I guess I just have to let things go, let those things that I'll never have any answers to go, let them fade away and stop haunting my mind like a ghost. But it's always better said than done right? And I've never been the patient kinda person, that's why sometimes when I want to move on, I want to move on. Like instantly, but that's never the case and that's why I keep going back to square 1. I need to love the pain, to give myself time and that's horribly hard.

This time baby,

I don't know why I hate getting drunk/super high yet I keep wanting to do it and immediately regret it. Dumb girl. Anyways, yesterday was spent playing pool and L4D2 for an hour which got me totally addicted and now all I wanna do is kill those annoying zombies. Afterwards was MacDonald's for supper with the usual. Super sinful but you only live once right? Been having too much late nights lately and it's not good for my body mind and soul so I'm going to try to stop but who am I kidding? My homies are all night owls. Yes, homies. I'm falling in love with heavy rap music, I have no idea why. And I've been told by everybody that I'm losing weight but with all that supper, I don't understand why. But it could be because of the diet pills I've been taking since October, yes, must be. This post is all over the place because that's how my thoughts are nowadays, all over the place. But I think I'm fine.. with the chaos in my head. It just shows a big contrast against my really boring life. So whatever I'm doing is self inflicted but I can't seem to stop. I'm just waiting, for that moment when everything becomes crystal clear and it might be some time tonight.

Joke.

My life is a joke. I want to be drunk forever, to never be sober enough to realize that I have no future so I won't be feeling like this the whole time. It's such a painful fact to be living with everyday.