Heart & Mind.

It's been almost a week since I'm back from Phuket with Xinyi. It was a nice trip, spending our afternoons at the beach everyday, doing activities we would never get a chance to do in Singapore and the adventures we've had were so priceless. Even picked out 5 cheap books from this bookstore that I've research upon in Phuket, but I've already finished them all within this week.

Been working ever since I came back and work's okay. Won't say it's good yet because I realized that I've made a mistake, regardless a major/minor one, almost everyday and I shouldn't be. :/ Mum and dad are away in Europe for their holiday and I miss them. Though it's not the first time they've been away but it always feels weird without them at home.

I really hate it, how sometimes when I've already made up my mind, when it is dead set, when I've already have a target and am focused on it, then shit happens and fucks things up. Now I'm back to thinking this and that, which is definitely not helping me at all. I hate this feeling. All I wanted was someone who can be nice and true to me. That is fucking all. It's not that hard right? Wrong.

“Even when I detach, I care. You can be separate from a thing and still care about it. If I wanted to detach completely, I would move my body away. I would stop the conversation midsentence. I would leave the bed. Instead, I hover over it for a second. I glance off in another direction. But I always glance back at you.”
- David Levithan, The Lover's Dictionary

Happy days

The perks of having like 6 bikinis is so that you can swim more than twice a day. Supposedly 6 times because 6 bikinis right? But I'm not that hardcore. After a really scary swim-photo session with xinyi, went for a feast at pizza hut and I'm going for japanese hot-pot buffet with wati tomorrow. My life motto right now is life's good when food's good and in my case, the food's always good. And sometimes expensive.

And I just created instagram on my dad's ipad, so please try not to follow me cause I won't be uploading anything. I just wanna save my name in case someone else wants to use it (haha) and like just look at pictures when I'm bored.

This post is lame but I just want to remember today because it was a happy one and I wish for more to come. :)

Contentment.

I have no idea why I broke down last night, maybe it was because I was finally coming to terms with what's happening currently but I had a pretty good day today. Honestly, yesterday was also a good day. I suck at being contented with everything in general.

Went for soccer today, and most possibly the last soccer training I'd attend in the months to come but it was good. I really, really miss soccer. Then dad came to pick me up with the rest of the family and basically we feasted at one of my favorite restaurant. Bought bubble tea home (to satisfy my craving) and mum pointed out how much junk food I've been having this week. Okay, but seriously.. I had ice cream everyday except for today and hopefully tomorrow and bubble tea twice yesterday and once today. It's bad right? I didn't even have much proper meals. Okay well then I spent the rest of my day just lazing around at home and finally got an answer from him. Right now, it's just up to me to follow through with my plans. So yeah, today was just a good day in general.

And then I started thinking about how lucky I am my whole life. I've originally typed out the things that I felt lucky for but deleted all of them because I sound really bratty but just..
I love you dad for being simple-minded, teaching me that sometimes less is more and how important it is to have a big heart.
I love you mum for being really the coolest and slackest mum in the whole wide world and for trusting me to know my rights and wrongs.
I love you grandma for being so open minded despite your age, your care for me throughout the years and always loving me no matter how difficult I can be.
And lastly, I love you grandpa for showing me that you can be stubborn but loving and kind hearted and for giving me such a good father and grandma.

Don't.

All's good with the new workplace despite the location being a little far but well, it's surrounded with ice cream parlors so I guess it can't be that bad, just bad for my tummy.

I know it's bad to think like this but I just feel like I should prepare myself for the worst, because good things will never happen to me. Like I feel really sad that this is happening and I so sincerely wish that I could control it and stop it from happening but I can't. He won't be alright because he will be in a lot of pain but even if he isn't alright, it'll be alright because soon he'll be freed of that pain but we won't be alright and in fact, we will never be alright and I feel so damn scared. I can't be positive because the results will be negative then I'll just end up blaming myself for being positive when all along, I should have been negative.

I just want you guys to stay. Stay, don't leave. Stay. Please.

Stay. 

Faded

I hate it when I have no idea what I'm feeling. I'm not really sad, no. I'm not happy neither am I heartbroken. I completely have no idea what the hell I'm feeling and I'm not liking it. I don't feel at peace with my feelings, I just feel the need to mess everything up just so I can feel something but I know I'll regret it. It's just blah x infinity.

I just wish I could be with you and maybe that would make everything much better but I have no way of knowing. But I just wish I could. And it's killing me how much I'm wishing.

Daydreamer, with eyes that make you melt. He lends his coat for shelter, plus he's there for you when he shouldn't be. But he stays all the same, waits for you then sees you through. There's no way I could describe him, what I'll say is just what I'm hoping for.

Daydreamer, Adele.

/

Constantly being mind fucked by facts that I discover on my own.. doesn't help that it doesn't help me in any way at all, just lets me know that I'm so inferior in every single way. Blah.

You gotta just stop. Accept it and stop, just fucking stop. No, no, no. Just stop. I always say this but I always repeat the same damn mistake. Dumbass.

/

I grocery shop like I'm 10, except now I have more money and less self control. I eat like I'm 1, with pieces of food all over the surroundings of my plate. I listen like I'm 3, always manage to leave out certain parts people say.

But I'm 21 this year. I am supposed to be a teenager no more. I am supposed to know my goals in life, what I want to achieve and who I want to be in the future. I am supposed to be clear and focus on those things. I am supposed to be mature and independent.

Supposed to.

But I am not.