Said and done

Just got back from KL yesterday night, accompanied JJC soccer girls as their tour manager which was really like a redundant post cause even though I didn't think I did nothing but I certainly didn't do much. It was a good trip though, had fun with the girls and it made me miss playing soccer competitively so much. But yeah, I know I suck at soccer now and it always make me feel bad about myself.

Something happened just now which made my heart sank a little and now I have to sleep with a heavy heart which kinda sucks. Sometimes life just randomly throws you a setback and you're totally not ready for this shit and you have nothing to do but deal with it. Even when you had a plan to deal with it but new shit just keeps coming up and now you're forced to regroup. I honestly have no idea what to do.

The irony.

What if birds were actually afraid of heights, but they were made to fly most of the time? What if fishes were all afraid of drowning, but the only way they could survive was to be in the water? And us, humans, we all long to fly, to survive underwater for a longer period of time without the help of an oxygen tank but we were just made to walk. To live on land. To be able to do so many more things that creatures like birds and fishes can't do. But we were made to be jealous of them, because they could live differently. Because if I was given a choice, I would probably chose to live underwater, perhaps a mermaid if I could, but not like this.

I've spent too much time swimming for the past 2 weeks that I'm starting to smell like chlorine but I'm not complaining. I love being underwater. I love the feeling of being surrounded by large body of waters. I love how my thoughts only consisted of "just keep swimming" and "breathe properly" and I tune out almost completely to what my problems were just earlier. I love how the sun shines its light onto the water and causes the light streaks underwater. It's too beautiful to be captured and it always make me feel happy. That's why I want to be a mermaid, because life underwater is just too beautiful.

Stay.

There's been too many thoughts going through my mind, all at once, lately and it's driving me insane. I have no idea what I'm feeling and it's really horrible and making me feel very empty at the same time. Sometimes I get really angry at myself, for putting myself in this situation again and feel really stupid for doing the same thing all over, when I somehow know what I should really be doing. Except I have no idea what I'm doing right now, whether this is what I want or what I can accept. All I know is I look at them and think how lucky they are to have you and that I will never be that girl who has it. It infuriates me even more when I imagine if I'm a guy, and it's girls like them that I will like and it occurs to me that I am just jealous and I hate that emotion. Being jealous, because it means you are not content with yourself and I should be. I have everything I need but all that's missing are the things I want. It doesn't help when I can't get myself to sleep, then I just lie there thinking and putting stupid ideas in my head to convince myself to do the next morning. It really doesn't help. I just wake up feeling really empty and with an even more confused mind. I wish I can just cry and cry, till I fall asleep and I'd feel better the next day but I know that's not the way this works. I just want you to stay. With me.

What do I want?

I want to hurt myself, so deep so so so damn deep till it's almost impossible to get up. I want to cry till I can't breathe and maybe go into a coma for a few weeks till I can forget that this even happened. I want to hear every lie, see every truth and drink every last drop till I break down.

Then maybe I'll learn to do the right thing for myself, next time.

I'm that girl.

Don't know whether I'm blinded, or just plain old stupid.

Think it's the latter.

It's ok.

The most common phrase to say to myself every single day. It's okay to be treated like this because that's their karma, not yours. It's okay if you don't feel like talking, you don't owe anybody anything. It's okay if you feel this way, you just need time. It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.

I am such an idiot, but I feel like I'm going crazy. Is this still okay?

Took it all.

Am listening to Adele's Take It All and got overwhelmed with feelings from the past. But I can't put my thoughts into words and I have no idea why. I just know that I miss you a lot, and I would give anything to make us last. But.. yeah. No means no.