Hmm

What's wrong with me? This isn't me.

I swear, everybody's moving forward but I'm just.. stagnant. So fucking stagnant, with a hint of disgust.

Turning tables

Wants
x that job = a stable income
x a nice nude lipstick
x play paint twister with my girls
x a smaller appetite = skinnier body
x a tanner skin tone (since pale + rosy lips won't really work out for me anymore)
x pizza hut's bbq chicken & chicken drumlets
x ben and jerry's ice cream marathon

Keep holding on.

Though it's been only 2 days since I last updated but wow, quite a few things happened. Like how I finally developed my first ever film and I love, love, absolutely love the effects on it. What a surprise because I really thought and expected like just, normal pictures but I love them so much. Also, I went to this interview for this full time job, I don't wanna talk about it unless I really get it cause high hopes only leads to more disappointment. But well, there's good vibes from the interview and hopefully I'm right. Met him too and yeah, it was either the dumbest thing that I've ever done or the bravest. Either way, I've haven't regretted a thing with him so I guess that's good.

And the biggest event ever so far.. Graduation. Heh, there's been quite a large amount of graduation spam on facebook and honestly, I was quite irritated cause I've never understood the deal about graduation. It's been so long since I'm out of school and it already felt like I've graduated so.. yeah, anyways, was really happy today, taking pictures with friends and all. Guess that's what the real hype is.

Visited great-grandma today too, she had this bled in her head and like, it affects her memory and speech and stuff but she's still smiling all the time as always so that's kinda good. All I can think of when I was staring at her is that she looks so beautiful now despite being thin and bruises all over, I don't know how to explain this kinda beauty but yeah. Sigh.

Anyways, yeah, so much happened within like 2 days thus explaining the wordy post. Been really camwhoring these few days too. Heh. Oh, and like.. since graduation's over.. I've been thinking.. short hair? Urgh, what's the worst thing that could happen except that my hair has always been my safety blanket and yknow, me being me, I'm always saying this and doing that. 

New

Just cause I was bored. And, new parfum i bought, it's solid, how special. It's called sugar sugar and it smells damn sweet, me likey. And I would really like to get short hair, like shoulder length? I need that spur of the moment's courage. Where are you?

Future.

Honestly, I thought that I was more than this. But I'm not sure anymore. I think I'm meant to be nothing. I think.

/ I am very sad. I am too tired to even pretend I'm not sad. I just don't want to exist anymore, I feel so empty, I just want to do nothing and be nothing. Nothing nothing nothing. Because when I was with you, it's like at least something in my life was going right. But now there isn't anything. Nothing nothing nofuckingthing.

My theory.

There is no such thing as 'could be', 'would be' or 'should be' because if.. there is really such a thing, you wouldn't be sitting around wishing that for them. It would already happened.

I need my froyo fix.

Truth be told

Remember when I told you I was craving for pancakes, and the next day we were at the library trying to find books for pancakes recipes then we realized that we could just find it off the internet. The next thing I know we were at the super mart, not searching for ingredients because I got lazy and just grabbed betty crocker's buttermilk pancakes instant mix. You giving in to me, letting me get all the other ingredients, chocolate ice cream, fruits, whatnot and paying for them all. Pancakes with milo, with strawberries on the side, with honey and chocolate ice cream, with love, with you and with me.

I miss you, I miss you so god damn much. Every time whoever tries to tell me you're not good for me, yeah I agree but I know that you were good, to me, and you were bad, for and to me. But none of that matters anymore cause right now I know, in my guts, that you will be good, damn good, to her. That's the you I miss, the you that I can never see anymore, the you who will only exist in my memories. It's okay. It's not okay but it is okay.

I honestly don't know what to feel anymore.