Marianna Paige

That's just how life is, I guess. You have your first sip of liquor and it tastes good or bad or wonderful or disgusting. It depends on your tastes. Either way, it burns your throat. But always the taste fades. Another sip, another bottle. Sooner or later it just tastes like nothing. That's how life is. A new pair of shoes, how exciting. A few months later laying forgotten at the bottom of your closet. A new phone - you'll protect it with your life at first but then one day you'll drop it and it won't matter, you'll just shrug it off. It's like that with everything. "I love you I love you I love you" and soon enough, it doesn't mean anything. Like drinking vodka and tasting water.

Sometimes the entire world breaks and I wish I had known that the broken things are not ugly. I wish I had known that the cracks and empty spaces are dangerous and the only way to avoid them is to cling to the broken things.

It's so much easier to be mad at you than it is to admit that maybe I'm the one to blame for the way we ended up. I'm all for preserving the truth but just this once I'd rather live in the delusion that this was all your fault. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if it were any other way. I need to be mad at you in order to stay sane. I'm so sorry. But I hope you're sorry too.

I don't like causing a scene. I don't want to make a big deal out of it. I want to go out with little more than a whisper, I don't want to leave a trace. I don't want to hurt anyone by leaving but I don't want to keep hurting myself by staying. Sometimes I'm still amazed by the fact that I exist. I exist, I exist. And it scares me. I keep forgetting that I only have one life, this is my only chance to do everything in the world. I've already messed up so much and I'm scared to take another step. Most of the time I just want to get away from myself, put my body on auto-pilot and get away for a while. I don't want to make a big deal out of it. I just want to disappear. Cease the whirlwind madness of my life, let go of my death grip on existence. Whisper goodbye and be gone. 

To me, what makes a good writer is that they can write about feelings and emotions that you didn't know existed in you and bring out the thoughts that you've always been feeling but can't really explain.

/

Just ordered $140 worth of clothes today. I sincerely hope they all fits and I will wear them at least once and not let them rot in my closet like the other new clothes. Somehow I seek comfort in familiarity and it's not always comforting. An example - my Blackberry, it is familiar but fucking disappointing. 

Untouchable

Saw an old customer from Green Yoga yesterday at the bar. I was quite shocked until I saw you. My heart literally skipped a beat and then it started beating really fast. You, who came to find me because you said you missed me. You, whose words I can't trust anymore. You, who fed me so many honeyed words and lies. You, who I have the highest tolerance level for. I don't know what to do with you anymore. You're like this flame that burns me every time I get too close, yet me being the moth that I am, can't help but fly towards your direction. Maybe you should leave me alone because I know if you keep this up, I'd cave and become the pathetic fool like I was. And because every time I see you, my head and heart goes to war and it always leaves me feeling helpless as fuck.

Most of the time, I just feel like being alone because when in a crowd, all I feel is alone. Alone, A lone. That's why I choose to be alone. It hurts less when you know the only thing that's killing you is yourself.

On a lighter note, sometimes daddy likes to do things that really surprises me and make me love him even more. Today I decided to take some time alone and ran some errands at JP. Since I was heading out, I was tasked with buying dinner for sis and dad. Wanted to be sweet so I paid for their food and really wasn't expecting to get money back. Even though I ran out of cash right before buying dad's dinner, I just stood in front of the stall calculating how much I need and how much I have and realised I was short of 10 cents. Damn.. Okay when I was like eating in the living, dad shove me $20 and said it's for the dinner so I told him it's okay and he insisted. I know it's nothing but it made me feel loved.

And what else.. Oh right. Got a brand new coloursplash for free cause it's still under warranty. ^^

Bottomline

We are all alone.

No exceptions.

Lights

Asked Daddy yesterday if he knew where the chewable vitamin C's were and he said he took them to his office and asked me if I wanted it. I told him I was just wondering and today when I got home, I saw them at the counter.

Daddy's the one who gives me faith that I'll find someone who will only try to be as good as him and strength to not settle for some bullshit asshole like him.

Caught Wolverine today. Not going to spoil it for anyone but he's such a sexy beast and I'm sure everybody knows it. How painful it must be, to be the one always being left behind. Char and Yal, if you girls ever see this, I'm going to miss you two so much next year.

Marianna Paige

"I regret that it took you breaking my heart for me to realise that. I don't want you to come back. I want to let you go."

Bingo.

Zoo 13

A picture to even out the sadness in this blog.

// Another case of how lame I am is when I went to do my stuff for a while, leaving my phone to charge and after quite some time, I went to check on my phone and realised nobody actually replied me or whatever and I got like upset but I told myself okay whatever don't care then at around 11plus, I received like everybody's reply and then realised it's just whatsapp's being dumb and I became happy like I feel like I'm not a loser who's just bugging everybody. Ha... such a long paragraph to describe how lame I can get.

/// Today's such a good day I swear. Realised that my current favourite writer replied me. Fan girl alert. And she's younger than me. Ahhhh sometimes I wish I had the ability to fluently string words together. Such a beautiful gift.

//

I want my bracelet back but I don't want to see you anymore.

I'm attracted to people who writes, who really writes exceptionally well. They who write thought provoking paragraphs, nicely strung words. You on the other hand, are the laziest when it comes to writing. But I'm so attracted. Damn.

Sunday Sadness #2

And then you realise, those you call friends, are nobody at all.

You realise you can give all you want, all that you can, but in the end, it's what you get back that matters because all that giving is just going to leave you empty.

/ So beautifully written.

Watch it burn.

Every time I have something/someone that/who I want, there is no doubt that I won't get it/them. Funny how that's not funny at all.

Anyways, made another video for the cool cats.

Click click

Phuket '13

Painstakingly made this travelogue of when we were in Phuket in April over the span of 6 hours max. 3-4 hours of editing plus 2 hours of uploading together with 3 months of procrastination, I present to you 9 minutes of Phuket goodness! Do take a look, I guarantee it'll make you laugh.

Click!

/

Yeah, scratch whatever I said. My mind's dumb too.

I'd lie.

Every time somebody tells me you deserve better.. I just wonder if that's the truth or just comfort words that we're so accustomed to say. "You deserve better." Really? Who's to decide if anybody really deserves better? What if, honestly, adding up the sum of your character, your good deeds and whatever else, the best you deserve is that asshole that you're trying to let go?

Most often I find my heart weak, tempted by the sweet-talker and always giving in to the undeserved. I realize the only solution is to keep my mind strong and focused, to protect the weak heart. But y'know.. the heart wants what the heart wants.

"I really don't know what you want"
"Neither do I"

What's wrong with me?

I've always hated crying, because that's the only time I feel so fucking weak. Being in soccer for the most part of my teenage years, I've been taught to be strong, mentally so you could endure it psychically too. But nowadays, it just feels like whatever I've been taught growing up has been thrown away and I'm this new crybaby who just want to stay home on my couch and cry all the time.

I'm better than this. I am, I am, I am.

Mudpie.

Doubt you'll see this but thank you for making me realize what I want in a guy. :)

To my beloved Dad

Happy 50th Birthday Daddy Dearest. You have always been the absolute best man in my life and forever you will be. Don't worry, I'll do you proud. <3

You're not sorry.

Discard whatever judgement you have of Taylor Swift and listen carefully to the lyrics of this song. Because if you understood the lyrics, you'd understand what I'm feeling right now. Emotional Sunday at it's best. Everything was great this weekend, till you came into the equation. I know, I know, it hurts because you let it hurt you. I apologize for being weak-minded and always giving in to my sadness.

To a better week.

You've got the love

I think I've been too comfortable with my current situation, and maybe it's the way I was brought up. Always being sheltered with the basics thus causing me to never worry about future, instead I was just happy living in the moment and carefree enough to have really unpractical dreams. So after I graduated, reality hits me hard with many questions about my future; of what I'd like to do, who I'd want to be and most importantly, could I find something that I'd like to do for a long time and support myself while doing it?

I've been having these thoughts in my head, that I need to find a job that has a healthy balance of practicality and passion otherwise I'd never last more than 3 months doing it. Because of this requirement, I've diminished quite a few number of jobs in my head, leaving me back to square 1 - nothing. And lately, I've been quite enthusiastic about making a future for myself. Like I really want to be successful and provide for my parents. And then a few days later, I'd just be content with being a part time waitress (yes, that's who I am right now at this stage of my life and I'm honestly okay with it because who can say that they could balance 3 long plates of dessert with ice cream on it and carry them through crowds of rude people who just can't move despite the numerous 'excuse me'?). But no, I have to keep feeling the urgency that I ain't getting any younger and I have to find something that I'm passionate about or at least, something that I feel okay doing and most importantly, something that pays the bills.

On a complete irrelevant note, I'd really like to have a nice slender body so I'd look better in my clothes. I'll start exercising when my period's over. In need of a really good swim and tan because I've been looking a little too fair lately.

Oh, and I'm so excited about the aquarium trip that we're (my family) doing tomorrow. It's sort of an elated birthday celebration (I think) for daddy who's turning the big 5-0.

How's this for an update? Have a good weekend guys.