Suck it up.

Sometimes when shit happens, that's the moment when I really wish I didn't exist so I wouldn't have to deal with the emotions that follows.

But no, that's just not the way it works.

I know.

If they don’t need you, it’s okay. You do not live for other people.
— Kyo

I know this isn't the path for me, I know we are supposed to let some things/people go, I know, I know, I know.

Well, I would really like to indulge in some comfort food but I can't because of this bitch of a sore throat. I would really like to just give it a good cry but it's honestly funny how fucked my life is right now.

Oh well.

black & white

if you’re laying in bed
wrapped up in sheets
of miserable thought,
go to sleep

if thumbing through old messages
only causes your heart to ache
and long for something unattainable
erase them

if it hurts to keep
everything you’re feeling
bottled up inside
let it out

if you’re clinging onto someone
that doesn’t treat you like
you’re worth the world
let them go

because sometimes
we choose to believe
that things are only
indistinguishable shades of gray
when in reality,
life is more black and white
than it seems

if you’re unhappy
with the way
you are living your life
change it

Madisen Kuhn 

What you allow is what will continue.

Received a bad news on Friday which I believe is life-changing but that moment has already passed and I am 90% convinced that I'm over it now so I'm not going to dwell on it. Honestly though, it affected me really badly on that night itself that I really felt worthless and useless. But I guess I gotta be a little more positive and just believe in that when one door closes, another opens logic.

Had a good weekend, met people who I want to see, and had Grandpa's birthday dinner. Food's good and when food's good, life's good. Oh! Mum bought me a denim vest too, was sort of searching for a denim outwear but I really don't look well in the bulky denim jacket so I settled for a cute vest. Then I got myself this lovely evil eye bracelet, a high five bracelet and this cool skull bracelet for sis' 22nd birthday next month.

Been really lucky to find David Levithan's books at the library. I'm so happy that they stock their books because his words are so magical. Forgive me for being cheesy. Managed to find Simon van Booy's Everything Beautiful Began After as well. So I've been really immersing myself in a world full of pretty well strung together words and it feels really nice.

I've never believed that anybody would turn back and glance at me but that's what you did. I've never been the kind who enjoys the moment and not over think about the future. I just know that right now, you are for me. Not perfect; not right; not anything but just, for me.

Poem

I can be;
Tell me, do you want a Monday morning coffee with a kiss on the cheek; because that I can be.
Tell me, do you want a Tuesday afternoon sunrise with unbroken silence; because that I can be.
Tell me, do you want a Wednesday noon tea with chatter to fill the quiet; because that I can be.
Tell me, do you want a Thursday evening walk by the beach with a hand to hold; because that I can be.
Tell me, do you want a Friday night cheek to kiss with a sweet goodnight; because that I can be.
Tell me, do you want a Saturday morning face to awake to with a smile to accompany it; because that I can be.
Tell me, do you want a Sunday afternoon stroll through the park with a heart to call your own; because that I can be.

Julie Martinez

/

Miss someone until they come back, or until you come back, until their absence in your life becomes something to be avoided at all costs. Miss them until you don’t have to anymore, until you’re reunited in your favorite booth in your favorite restaurant ordering your favorite meal, miss them until it feels like you never left. Or miss them until you can’t anymore, until the things you miss are identified and cataloged as things and not a person, until you figure out that easy company and long talks and unblinking, all-knowing eye contact will find you again the way they found you the first time. Miss someone until you don’t.
— Stephanie Georgopulus

Mother's Day.

I had a really great Mother's Day celebration today. Went to Jerry's at Club Street with la familia for lunch then spent the rest of the afternoon with Grandma from Dad's side and then dinner with Grandma from Mum's side. Though I know I look grumpy most of the time because of the food coma that I keep suppressing but I really enjoyed my day with them three.

And Dear Mum,
Thank you so much for everything you've done. We might not be the closest but I know you'll be willing to hear whatever I have to say. Thank you for putting up with my petty and messy personality all the time. Thank you for doing the chores even though I know you're tired (ok sorry). Thank you for always being there with advices that I should take. Thank you for trusting me and giving me so much freedom. Thank you for being such a cool mum. Would never exchange you for any other mum in the world. I love you and always will.

And you,
Sometimes I just want to move on so badly then just like that, I find myself missing you and wanting you more than anything I've ever wanted. You always put my emotions on the two extreme poles and I just have no idea what to do. I keep wondering if I can really do this with you then decide against it because I know I'm so emotionally weak, that it is just going to be destructive. I just hate the effect you have on me.

/ edit
I think I know what I'm supposed to do now but okay, we'll see.

Better than me

"I think you can do much better than me, after all the lies that I've made you believe"
- Better Than Me, Hinder

I think all that you're trying to do now is staying far away, keeping your distance cause you don't want to hurt me anymore than you are and maybe this is the only one good thing you've been doing ever since I knew you. So in all good sense, all I should do now is let you do that, right? But it just feels like I'm noticing your absence more than anything in the world and that all I can think of nowadays is just you. You, you you and more of you. I'm sick of being patient and waiting for time to do its job.

I just want to erase you out of my mind and for me to stop doing stupid things that brings me right back to that square one.

Just one.

After A While

Stumbled onto Jorge Luis Borges' poem, "After A While", and I'm in love with it. Especially with these two lines;
  
"So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers."

I've always been finding affection, I wouldn't dare say love because I know love's too strong a word, in the wrong places. In people who made me feel unworthy, because I had to give so much of myself to earn their attention. Right now, I just want to love myself, treat myself the best, get to know myself more, know what I want and what's best for me before I start hopping on to the wrong person again.

Okay, so Tuesday night saw me welcoming 1st of May with the worst hangover I've ever had. Courtesy of downing 9 tequila shots in the span of 3 hours, self inflicted pain but still.. I had a great time with my people. Aftermath was not so great but oh well. Have never had such bad hangover before so I didn't really know what to do, but carried on with my initial plans of meeting Jia for lunch for some sinful Popeyes. I would say that fried chicken made me feel better but really, it was after puking thrice then did I really feel better. But up till now, I still feel some tequila churning in my tummy. Vacuumed the house, kept the clean clothes and packed up the living room's table today so Mum doesn't really have to work too hard when she comes back tomorrow. Anyways, I really can't wait when they come back from Europe tomorrow, it feels like Christmas Eve when you go to bed excited because of all the presents you get to open on Christmas itself!

So.. I'll just leave you guys with this quote that I relate to very much. Just know that being weak is fine, relapsing is fine, looking back is fine, as long as you continue to move on.

You deserve to know that moments of weakness do not make you fundamentally weak, only fundamentally human, and that sometimes we’re not going to be effusively happy, and that is okay.
— Chelsea Fagan, "What You Deserve"