Hmm

What's wrong with me? This isn't me.

I swear, everybody's moving forward but I'm just.. stagnant. So fucking stagnant, with a hint of disgust.

Turning tables

Wants
x that job = a stable income
x a nice nude lipstick
x play paint twister with my girls
x a smaller appetite = skinnier body
x a tanner skin tone (since pale + rosy lips won't really work out for me anymore)
x pizza hut's bbq chicken & chicken drumlets
x ben and jerry's ice cream marathon

Keep holding on.

Though it's been only 2 days since I last updated but wow, quite a few things happened. Like how I finally developed my first ever film and I love, love, absolutely love the effects on it. What a surprise because I really thought and expected like just, normal pictures but I love them so much. Also, I went to this interview for this full time job, I don't wanna talk about it unless I really get it cause high hopes only leads to more disappointment. But well, there's good vibes from the interview and hopefully I'm right. Met him too and yeah, it was either the dumbest thing that I've ever done or the bravest. Either way, I've haven't regretted a thing with him so I guess that's good.

And the biggest event ever so far.. Graduation. Heh, there's been quite a large amount of graduation spam on facebook and honestly, I was quite irritated cause I've never understood the deal about graduation. It's been so long since I'm out of school and it already felt like I've graduated so.. yeah, anyways, was really happy today, taking pictures with friends and all. Guess that's what the real hype is.

Visited great-grandma today too, she had this bled in her head and like, it affects her memory and speech and stuff but she's still smiling all the time as always so that's kinda good. All I can think of when I was staring at her is that she looks so beautiful now despite being thin and bruises all over, I don't know how to explain this kinda beauty but yeah. Sigh.

Anyways, yeah, so much happened within like 2 days thus explaining the wordy post. Been really camwhoring these few days too. Heh. Oh, and like.. since graduation's over.. I've been thinking.. short hair? Urgh, what's the worst thing that could happen except that my hair has always been my safety blanket and yknow, me being me, I'm always saying this and doing that. 

New

Just cause I was bored. And, new parfum i bought, it's solid, how special. It's called sugar sugar and it smells damn sweet, me likey. And I would really like to get short hair, like shoulder length? I need that spur of the moment's courage. Where are you?

Future.

Honestly, I thought that I was more than this. But I'm not sure anymore. I think I'm meant to be nothing. I think.

/ I am very sad. I am too tired to even pretend I'm not sad. I just don't want to exist anymore, I feel so empty, I just want to do nothing and be nothing. Nothing nothing nothing. Because when I was with you, it's like at least something in my life was going right. But now there isn't anything. Nothing nothing nofuckingthing.

My theory.

There is no such thing as 'could be', 'would be' or 'should be' because if.. there is really such a thing, you wouldn't be sitting around wishing that for them. It would already happened.

I need my froyo fix.

Truth be told

Remember when I told you I was craving for pancakes, and the next day we were at the library trying to find books for pancakes recipes then we realized that we could just find it off the internet. The next thing I know we were at the super mart, not searching for ingredients because I got lazy and just grabbed betty crocker's buttermilk pancakes instant mix. You giving in to me, letting me get all the other ingredients, chocolate ice cream, fruits, whatnot and paying for them all. Pancakes with milo, with strawberries on the side, with honey and chocolate ice cream, with love, with you and with me.

I miss you, I miss you so god damn much. Every time whoever tries to tell me you're not good for me, yeah I agree but I know that you were good, to me, and you were bad, for and to me. But none of that matters anymore cause right now I know, in my guts, that you will be good, damn good, to her. That's the you I miss, the you that I can never see anymore, the you who will only exist in my memories. It's okay. It's not okay but it is okay.

I honestly don't know what to feel anymore.

The way I am.

 I'm no one special, just another wide-eyed girl who's desperately in love with you.

All wrong.

I know what I want to do. But I can't. Oh the irony.

It's not about your scars

Now that I'm jobless, well, I feel quite free to do whatever I want but I know I gots to gets my shit together soon.


Me "I went out with him today"
Grandma "Wah why? You like him is it?"
Me "Huh.. no lah."
Grandma "Then he got hold your hand anot?"
Me "Yeah, got"
Grandma "Means you like him lah"

Just thought it was quite funny, grandma's reaction when I said I went out with him and when I told her we held hands.

That's the way I loved you.

It took me 4 months to get over you, maybe a little less. But I am SO happy to say that even though I miss you, but the last thing I wanna do now is be back together with you. Such a destructive relationship, you were tearing me down while I built your ego up. Thanks but no thanks.

Anyways, went out with J yesterday. I like his company, very much. But it just makes it so much clearer that we can't be together. Oh well.

Deja vu

Why does it feel like everything is happening all over again, all at once?

I pray for your good health. I pray if you should pass away, it would be painless and fast but you must, must, must say your goodbyes first. I pray that you know that everybody loves you deeply and that nobody would/could/should ever replace you.

I pray that I can get through this.

Just get your ass back home.

I'm so glad that mum dad are home from Europe. The presents and the treats are pretty awesome. And my hair's looking much better even though sometimes, I just wanna cringe at the sight of myself. I got so pissed off on Friday night while working till I cried when I was ranting it out to Noelle, such a mess. Feel so stupid for letting her get the better of me, but okay. Hopefully things will get better. I have no idea why I'm typing in such a long paragraph, I guess I just want to get things out. I like champagne + orange juice, it makes it easier to drink. I don't like champagne itself, it's gross. I like rum and coke. I will not drink more than once a week. I will paint and draw more while looking for jobs that are suitable for me in the long term. I will read more good books. I will, I will, and I will.

For old time's sake.

Everything is changing and nothing is the same.

Started blogging when I was 18 and now, I'm turning 20 this year. At 18, I would never imagine that I'd actually kiss a guy on the third date and date a freaking.. ok I'd rather keep it a secret. I'm just quite shocked at how much I've changed and.. how aimless I am right now. God, save me.