October, you've been kind. Much kinder than the previous Octobers I've had. Thank you for not letting me dread my own birthday so much as I did with the last few.
Anyways, been talking to a few friends about being attached and being single (haha), because it seems like every last jerk in the planet has managed to find themselves someone to tolerate them and I am still.. single as fuck. But I chose to be that way so no complaints there. Just.. bored? So that really just makes me realise that I shouldn't be fucking around with others just because I'm bored and not ready. Otherwise it'll be another mess I'll have to clean up and life's too much of a mess.
Been re-watching Grey's Anatomy and all them feels just came gushing back up to me. Crazy enough, I was watching an episode last night with the ending of Meredith breaking down and it made me want to break down after it ended. I am crazy.
I am crazy I am crazy I am crazy. And fat.
Saturday, October 31, 2015
Monday, September 28, 2015
Just a little more.
First gym session on Sunday in about probably... 2-3 years? Feeling all sorts of burns + aches today as the aftermath but I ain't complaining, except that I'm doing a lot of moving about during work these days that I think maybe... I should stretch more.
I'm really really really (there, I said it thrice) determined to lose weight this time around. No more half-hearted 'okay I will continue tomorrow I promise' to patronize myself for my laziness. I will, must and can lose weight. At least to a healthier weight, not this alarming number that I see on the scale. Exercise at least 5 times a week, give in to my unhealthy indulges on the remaining two and hopefully, results will be apparent and satisfactory.
Anyways, can you believe it? After near to 2 years of bumming around, job-hopping without lasting till the probation period, I finally found the job that I want to progress in, a job that challenges my creativity and good learning curve. With colleagues that I sincerely like and can get along with. I'm also officially a 6:30am morning person. I can't sleep past 9am nowadays and I honestly think it might be a curse, because even though I can fall asleep at 10pm, I always manage to wake up around 1am just to fiddle with my phone, which is really annoying, but whatever. Cheers to waking up at 6am instead of coming home and sleeping at 8am.
Less than a month to my birthday, and I'm DREADING it because nothing good ever happens on my birthday. Not a suspicious person but this, I truly believe in. But October is still my favourite month despite that damned day.
I'm really really really (there, I said it thrice) determined to lose weight this time around. No more half-hearted 'okay I will continue tomorrow I promise' to patronize myself for my laziness. I will, must and can lose weight. At least to a healthier weight, not this alarming number that I see on the scale. Exercise at least 5 times a week, give in to my unhealthy indulges on the remaining two and hopefully, results will be apparent and satisfactory.
Anyways, can you believe it? After near to 2 years of bumming around, job-hopping without lasting till the probation period, I finally found the job that I want to progress in, a job that challenges my creativity and good learning curve. With colleagues that I sincerely like and can get along with. I'm also officially a 6:30am morning person. I can't sleep past 9am nowadays and I honestly think it might be a curse, because even though I can fall asleep at 10pm, I always manage to wake up around 1am just to fiddle with my phone, which is really annoying, but whatever. Cheers to waking up at 6am instead of coming home and sleeping at 8am.
Less than a month to my birthday, and I'm DREADING it because nothing good ever happens on my birthday. Not a suspicious person but this, I truly believe in. But October is still my favourite month despite that damned day.
Friday, September 4, 2015
Discovering yourself
I've come to a realization that I'm actually much more anti-social than I want but it's okay. Everyone's on their own anyways.
Sunday, August 16, 2015
Saturday, July 18, 2015
Imagination
I've never been able to imagine how my wedding would be, maybe just bits and puzzles of it forming but not the whole actual event. Morbidly I've always knew how I've wanted to die - drowning. I think it's just because I've always loved the waters, so much so that dying in it wasn't scary to me, it was just... that.
Then today while eating my cereal, I realized I've actually made up plenty of boxes in my head how I want my future half to be. Needs to know and speak Cantonese, walks up to my speed etc etc. Add one more to the list, picks out the marshmallow bits in the Lucky Charms cereal for me. Then I realized that it's horribly unrealistic, my list for the future him. How sad.
Then today while eating my cereal, I realized I've actually made up plenty of boxes in my head how I want my future half to be. Needs to know and speak Cantonese, walks up to my speed etc etc. Add one more to the list, picks out the marshmallow bits in the Lucky Charms cereal for me. Then I realized that it's horribly unrealistic, my list for the future him. How sad.
Sunday, July 5, 2015
Jonathan Safran Foer
"She was like a drowning person, flailing, reaching for anything that might save her. Her life was an urgent, desperate struggle to justify her life."
I've always wondered what justifies one's life and most recently, I've came to the conclusion that it's most likely love. When you're in love, or have love, most people feel accomplished and fulfilled. For others, it might be wealth, career, family, health or even, for the greedy ones, all of it. But it's most apparent reason to justify your life, love. When you have love, you have everything. That's the cliche, ain't it?
I've craved for love and loathed love, sometimes both at the same time. I've hated love when I'm not in love, because I realize how cheesy I can be and how much I've disliked myself when I'm apart from that person I was when in love. I've craved for love when I'm not in it, because I'm selfish and I'm aware that maybe, I just wanted the attention of being wanted. That disgusts me, because I don't think that's how love is supposed to be. I can't find a balancing point to which I can judge the difference between wanting someone and wanting that particular someone.
I hate the fact that for me, it's always love that justifies my life, to give it purpose, meaning and light to the future. I've always wanted to change that about myself because love is not practical. It will always leave you, it will always crumble and it will always disappoint you no matter what. I may sound like a cynic, but I've always found comfort in being practical though my heart usually speaks louder than my brain. That is the conflict that I'm struggling with.
I just wanted to clear my head, empty my thoughts into somewhere nobody can judge so that I can stop carrying all these meanings in my head.
I've always wondered what justifies one's life and most recently, I've came to the conclusion that it's most likely love. When you're in love, or have love, most people feel accomplished and fulfilled. For others, it might be wealth, career, family, health or even, for the greedy ones, all of it. But it's most apparent reason to justify your life, love. When you have love, you have everything. That's the cliche, ain't it?
I've craved for love and loathed love, sometimes both at the same time. I've hated love when I'm not in love, because I realize how cheesy I can be and how much I've disliked myself when I'm apart from that person I was when in love. I've craved for love when I'm not in it, because I'm selfish and I'm aware that maybe, I just wanted the attention of being wanted. That disgusts me, because I don't think that's how love is supposed to be. I can't find a balancing point to which I can judge the difference between wanting someone and wanting that particular someone.
I hate the fact that for me, it's always love that justifies my life, to give it purpose, meaning and light to the future. I've always wanted to change that about myself because love is not practical. It will always leave you, it will always crumble and it will always disappoint you no matter what. I may sound like a cynic, but I've always found comfort in being practical though my heart usually speaks louder than my brain. That is the conflict that I'm struggling with.
I just wanted to clear my head, empty my thoughts into somewhere nobody can judge so that I can stop carrying all these meanings in my head.
Recent Thoughts
Someone who listens, who understands, who makes me laugh.
I think that's the top 3 traits that I look for in a guy right now. Though honestly, a guy's not what I'm looking for this year. Told myself that I'll abstain from the opposite sex this year, that it'll be a boys-free year for 2015 but somehow I just can't stop myself from playing with fire. Though the feeling's not new, but I'll get through this shit again considering how "faint" it is. Never would I thought that the guy I eye-candied, I'll end up kissing. Life sure has a way of fucking you around. But whatever, it has to be over now.
Finished the series "You're the Worst" yesterday and I must say, in this warped mind of mine, I secretly strive to look for dysfunctional relationships like that. Though I'm not sure if I'll regret it if it really happened to me, but to find someone who can be so fucking honest with you, it's rare no?
Anyways, a little update. Time seems to fly pass real quick this year, it's already the start of July. Guess it's probably because of work, haven't really been committed to anything for more than 3 months for a job and this time, I lasted for 6 months. Hopefully this new one takes me to longer terms and more new experiences. But so far so good, no over time, good learning opportunities and lovely colleagues. Fingers crossed :)
Right now, I'm just really looking forward to BKK in August, seems like it's a yearly thing to head over to BKK but I ain't complaining. It's been too long since my last holiday.
I think that's the top 3 traits that I look for in a guy right now. Though honestly, a guy's not what I'm looking for this year. Told myself that I'll abstain from the opposite sex this year, that it'll be a boys-free year for 2015 but somehow I just can't stop myself from playing with fire. Though the feeling's not new, but I'll get through this shit again considering how "faint" it is. Never would I thought that the guy I eye-candied, I'll end up kissing. Life sure has a way of fucking you around. But whatever, it has to be over now.
Finished the series "You're the Worst" yesterday and I must say, in this warped mind of mine, I secretly strive to look for dysfunctional relationships like that. Though I'm not sure if I'll regret it if it really happened to me, but to find someone who can be so fucking honest with you, it's rare no?
Anyways, a little update. Time seems to fly pass real quick this year, it's already the start of July. Guess it's probably because of work, haven't really been committed to anything for more than 3 months for a job and this time, I lasted for 6 months. Hopefully this new one takes me to longer terms and more new experiences. But so far so good, no over time, good learning opportunities and lovely colleagues. Fingers crossed :)
Right now, I'm just really looking forward to BKK in August, seems like it's a yearly thing to head over to BKK but I ain't complaining. It's been too long since my last holiday.
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