"She was like a drowning person, flailing, reaching for anything that might save her. Her life was an urgent, desperate struggle to justify her life."
I've always wondered what justifies one's life and most recently, I've came to the conclusion that it's most likely love. When you're in love, or have love, most people feel accomplished and fulfilled. For others, it might be wealth, career, family, health or even, for the greedy ones, all of it. But it's most apparent reason to justify your life, love. When you have love, you have everything. That's the cliche, ain't it?
I've craved for love and loathed love, sometimes both at the same time. I've hated love when I'm not in love, because I realize how cheesy I can be and how much I've disliked myself when I'm apart from that person I was when in love. I've craved for love when I'm not in it, because I'm selfish and I'm aware that maybe, I just wanted the attention of being wanted. That disgusts me, because I don't think that's how love is supposed to be. I can't find a balancing point to which I can judge the difference between wanting someone and wanting that particular someone.
I hate the fact that for me, it's always love that justifies my life, to give it purpose, meaning and light to the future. I've always wanted to change that about myself because love is not practical. It will always leave you, it will always crumble and it will always disappoint you no matter what. I may sound like a cynic, but I've always found comfort in being practical though my heart usually speaks louder than my brain. That is the conflict that I'm struggling with.
I just wanted to clear my head, empty my thoughts into somewhere nobody can judge so that I can stop carrying all these meanings in my head.
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