Delicate.

Year's 2018.

How did I lose track of not writing down my thoughts for the whole of 2017.

So.. a whole full year (plus minus a few months) of gymming and exercising regularly saw me losing 5kg of fats and gaining 3kg of muscles. None of my fitness goals came to life though, not even the losing weight part. I can feel myself getting stronger, leaner (???) and definitely mentally fitter too. Gym's fun but I live for those days where I'm on my period so I can stay home all day.

And did I mention, I quit my longest lasting job yet? Close to 2 years and threw it away just for 2 annoying colleagues. But the fact was I was no longer happy coming in to work as I did 2 years ago. I used to be excited and happy to be turning up for work, but that 1 month plus was just pure "should i mc?". As much as I'm relieved shit's over, I'm scared shitless about the future. Back to the same old me, slacking at home, finding jobs that don't seem to get back to me, feeling useless and afraid of the future.

I miss writing but I realise every old post is something bad, reading it back just brings back really bad memories. I'm also afraid of falling, failing, and being stuck in this rut. I'm scared that I might not be able to find something that I really love anymore and call it a job. I'm scared that every move I make will be a mistake.

I'm also on my period so every emotions are amplified so I shall just leave it as it is until these feelings fade.

And I'm 26. What the fuck?

Start.

2016 is the year of many losses. Family, friends, money (lol), and a bit of myself. 

New year resolutions are never kept but I'll try my best. 

In 2017, I hope to die. Okay I'm kidding. 

In 2017, I want to travel more, adventurously. To be not restricted by just what I know about the place, but really to explore and be spontaneous. 

In 2017, I want to stop being so tight up about the rules and regulations that I made for myself, to live a more carefree and not be so OCD about things in general.

In 2017, I want a healthier body, a fitter and leaner body, a body that I am proud of. 

In 2017, I wish things will get better. Much much better.  

/

Tell me which was the wrong step that I took that led me to this point of my life right now?

Tell me what can I do now to undo every wrong?

Tell me because once again, I'm stuck in this endless rut they call life.

Death, I hate you.

I can't stop being greedy and wishing you were alive again. 

Today was the first time in my 24 years of living that I saw my grandma, my favourite person in the world, cry. It broke my heart.

5 days ago, when I saw you lying there, when the fact of your passing finally hit me, I think that's when I lost it. I cried, even though I was preparing myself for this since a month ago. 

5 days of funeral affairs left me exhausted and numbed me of the fact of your passing. So when today has finally come to an end, the end to your existence, I finally broke down. I think it's because I miss you before the illness you took you away. 

I miss you yeye. I miss you teasing me with my name. I miss you singing the stupid song teasing me. I miss you in your silly boxers, embarrassing me in front of my friends. I miss you coming back home drunk in the afternoon. I miss seeing you before you weren't you. 

It scares me, how much a person can change, without their knowing. Time has a good way to steal the person you love. But I know I can't be greedy, because you were really suffering, having difficulties to even breathe, so there's no other way to let you live. I'm just glad that you're freed of all that, and that you left in your home, that we were all there for you. 

I know if you're alive, and looking at me cry, you'd laugh and told me not to. Because that's the way you are. You'd hate all these fuss and know that we love you anyways even though none of us really say it. But you'd know. 

And if this is how I'm reacting to your passing, then it really scares me, how would I act if my grandma pass away. I just can't. It scares me too much that I want to die before anyone else I love die. 

Rest in peace, yeye. I love you, thank you for raising me up with grandma all these years. Thank you for all you've done for this family of mine. Thank you for being the yeye I love.

Internal Conflicts

Have strength.

I've been on a korean drama binge for god knows what reason.

Maybe to escape from reality.

Drove pass your place twice yesterday, didn't feel anything except a ton of memories of how I let myself be treated inhumanely by you and being shamed and embarrassed every time I saw you.

Today's your birthday. I didn't realize it until I got a sudden curiosity to check it on Facebook. Funny how this time last year, I was hesitant to wish you with mixed feelings. But still, I'm glad.

Thought about you a few days back, of our happy memories, and then scolded myself for it. Even if you were bad to me, I'm happy you're good to her. For her, maybe.

This... strong feeling to ignore everyone and just do my own thing, be it just rotting at home and doing nothing. The best kind of therapy but I'm slowly losing myself, to me. I can't help but slowly detest everyone I know, because every time I ease up, there's bound to be something happening.

Sometimes, I feel it's best.. if I disappear. Without pain, without regrets. Just be gone.

11

The same end, a better beginning.

That's what I'm hoping for.

I'll take this chance to spend more time with the people I love, to treasure them before it's too late. It's scary, what time can do. It takes more and more before you know, you've nothing.

Then it'll be the same.

Who would have thought?

Is this the life I've wanted or dreamt of?

My my my

I'm losing myself, to me.

I'm changing myself, without me knowing, to someone else other than me. Or am I simply, just changing to me?

Vietnam '16

9 days in Vietnam saw me throwing random tantrums, being bored with a city, falling head first while naked from a bathtub, spending 22 hours on a bus within a span of 3 days, trekking on dangerous valleys and mountains for roughly 8 hours, regretting being bored with a city, genuinely disgusted by the nature of people, kayaking for the first time in Halong Bay, sleeping in conditions that shouldn't even be allowed, giving up on my own hygiene and never being so glad and appreciative of my own bed.

Trying.

It's currently day 2 of CNY and I'm glad that I was excited for CNY this year, as compared to most of the years before that. Probably because I was too obsessed with posting the right picture on Instagram (alright, I still am but so much less now) or being too heartbroken over guys (why do I always get my heart broken right before CNY?). I gambled so much more this year, especially with my relatives, which is kinda fun though the small amount. But time really passes quickly when you're gambling.

Setting a new tone for the new year, I want to start living in the now rather than being distracted by any online platforms. I'll try.

Current Wishlist:
1) A new camera
2) A well fitted denim jacket
3) A pair of shoes that can match with most outfits

The carousel never stops turning.

I know I'm being stupid, wanting what I can't have just because I can't have it. It's a bad habit that I've been doing since young. It's the worst habit but I'm trying.

Trying to change and just be contented with what I have, not what I could have. Because could is not healthy, it's not realistic, it's not practical and it's definitely not helping.

So I'm trying. This might be the last post of 2015, and I had very high hopes for 2015. No boys, just career and work. I guess I sort of did it, worked the longest I could (6 months, not long by any standards, but still, long enough) and now, 5 months ongoing and I've still *not really* have had any thoughts of resigning. Just many many many thoughts of a long holiday on a beach, getting the sun and my booze. But still, not bad, if I could say so.

Not really a big fan of resolutions because you'll just end up breaking them and going back to your old habits, but I guess if there's a goal to work towards to in 2016, it'd be to be free. Of any inhibitions, any high expectations and of my own emotions. I'd like to be free, spiritually and physically. To feel that level of peacefulness in myself and not let my emotions be swayed by anything or anyone. I guess that's really the goal to my life.

Alright, 2016, I'm ready for you.

Vulnerable.

I wish someone could read my mind and know what I want, though I'd probably have to eat my words because being predictable is not something you'd actually want. But it's been too long being unheard and yeah, whatever.

Left my phone at the office... AGAIN. Dumbass.

/

Under a gigantic amount of stress from trying to be enough for everyone.

Break

Drinking 5 days over a span of a week is not funny. I didn't even realise how much I was drinking until I realise, and it is not funny. It is not me, and it is not funny. I will stop.

Cleaned out my wardrobe and cleared out some old kicks over the weekend, hard thing to do but had to be done. Too much clutter and I need my head to be cleared and cleaned.

I deserve a guy who calls me and talk instead of messaging me on Facebook late at night to talk. I deserve someone who wants to see me frequently instead of someone who asks me to wait. I deserve someone who cares about me instead of someone who only asks about me when I initiate contact. I deserve someone real, someone who will be there and someone who cares. I know I do, everyone does. So I wait, I wait for him to appear, I wait patiently. Meanwhile, I need to be happy, for me.

Not fine, not okay. But happy.

I'll be my own savior

I'm not fine. I'm not okay. But I will be fine, I will be okay, soon.

Because this is what I do. I always find a way to be fine, to be okay.

But for now, I really can't be alone with my thoughts. My deadly, deadly thoughts.

and I'll see you again,

October, you've been kind. Much kinder than the previous Octobers I've had. Thank you for not letting me dread my own birthday so much as I did with the last few.

Anyways, been talking to a few friends about being attached and being single (haha), because it seems like every last jerk in the planet has managed to find themselves someone to tolerate them and I am still.. single as fuck. But I chose to be that way so no complaints there. Just.. bored? So that really just makes me realise that I shouldn't be fucking around with others just because I'm bored and not ready. Otherwise it'll be another mess I'll have to clean up and life's too much of a mess.

Been re-watching Grey's Anatomy and all them feels just came gushing back up to me. Crazy enough, I was watching an episode last night with the ending of Meredith breaking down and it made me want to break down after it ended. I am crazy.


I am crazy I am crazy I am crazy. And fat.

Just a little more.

First gym session on Sunday in about probably... 2-3 years? Feeling all sorts of burns + aches today as the aftermath but I ain't complaining, except that I'm doing a lot of moving about during work these days that I think maybe... I should stretch more.

I'm really really really (there, I said it thrice) determined to lose weight this time around. No more half-hearted 'okay I will continue tomorrow I promise' to patronize myself for my laziness. I will, must and can lose weight. At least to a healthier weight, not this alarming number that I see on the scale. Exercise at least 5 times a week, give in to my unhealthy indulges on the remaining two and hopefully, results will be apparent and satisfactory.

Anyways, can you believe it? After near to 2 years of bumming around, job-hopping without lasting till the probation period, I finally found the job that I want to progress in, a job that challenges my creativity and good learning curve. With colleagues that I sincerely like and can get along with. I'm also officially a 6:30am morning person. I can't sleep past 9am nowadays and I honestly think it might be a curse, because even though I can fall asleep at 10pm, I always manage to wake up around 1am just to fiddle with my phone, which is really annoying, but whatever. Cheers to waking up at 6am instead of coming home and sleeping at 8am.

Less than a month to my birthday, and I'm DREADING it because nothing good ever happens on my birthday. Not a suspicious person but this, I truly believe in. But October is still my favourite month despite that damned day.

Discovering yourself

I've come to a realization that I'm actually much more anti-social than I want but it's okay. Everyone's on their own anyways.

/

Starting afresh, with the people who don't matter. I've never been so clear now, thank you.

Imagination

I've never been able to imagine how my wedding would be, maybe just bits and puzzles of it forming but not the whole actual event. Morbidly I've always knew how I've wanted to die - drowning. I think it's just because I've always loved the waters, so much so that dying in it wasn't scary to me, it was just... that.

Then today while eating my cereal, I realized I've actually made up plenty of boxes in my head how I want my future half to be. Needs to know and speak Cantonese, walks up to my speed etc etc. Add one more to the list, picks out the marshmallow bits in the Lucky Charms cereal for me. Then I realized that it's horribly unrealistic, my list for the future him. How sad.