Death, I hate you.

I can't stop being greedy and wishing you were alive again. 

Today was the first time in my 24 years of living that I saw my grandma, my favourite person in the world, cry. It broke my heart.

5 days ago, when I saw you lying there, when the fact of your passing finally hit me, I think that's when I lost it. I cried, even though I was preparing myself for this since a month ago. 

5 days of funeral affairs left me exhausted and numbed me of the fact of your passing. So when today has finally come to an end, the end to your existence, I finally broke down. I think it's because I miss you before the illness you took you away. 

I miss you yeye. I miss you teasing me with my name. I miss you singing the stupid song teasing me. I miss you in your silly boxers, embarrassing me in front of my friends. I miss you coming back home drunk in the afternoon. I miss seeing you before you weren't you. 

It scares me, how much a person can change, without their knowing. Time has a good way to steal the person you love. But I know I can't be greedy, because you were really suffering, having difficulties to even breathe, so there's no other way to let you live. I'm just glad that you're freed of all that, and that you left in your home, that we were all there for you. 

I know if you're alive, and looking at me cry, you'd laugh and told me not to. Because that's the way you are. You'd hate all these fuss and know that we love you anyways even though none of us really say it. But you'd know. 

And if this is how I'm reacting to your passing, then it really scares me, how would I act if my grandma pass away. I just can't. It scares me too much that I want to die before anyone else I love die. 

Rest in peace, yeye. I love you, thank you for raising me up with grandma all these years. Thank you for all you've done for this family of mine. Thank you for being the yeye I love.