Delicate.

Year's 2018.

How did I lose track of not writing down my thoughts for the whole of 2017.

So.. a whole full year (plus minus a few months) of gymming and exercising regularly saw me losing 5kg of fats and gaining 3kg of muscles. None of my fitness goals came to life though, not even the losing weight part. I can feel myself getting stronger, leaner (???) and definitely mentally fitter too. Gym's fun but I live for those days where I'm on my period so I can stay home all day.

And did I mention, I quit my longest lasting job yet? Close to 2 years and threw it away just for 2 annoying colleagues. But the fact was I was no longer happy coming in to work as I did 2 years ago. I used to be excited and happy to be turning up for work, but that 1 month plus was just pure "should i mc?". As much as I'm relieved shit's over, I'm scared shitless about the future. Back to the same old me, slacking at home, finding jobs that don't seem to get back to me, feeling useless and afraid of the future.

I miss writing but I realise every old post is something bad, reading it back just brings back really bad memories. I'm also afraid of falling, failing, and being stuck in this rut. I'm scared that I might not be able to find something that I really love anymore and call it a job. I'm scared that every move I make will be a mistake.

I'm also on my period so every emotions are amplified so I shall just leave it as it is until these feelings fade.

And I'm 26. What the fuck?

Start.

2016 is the year of many losses. Family, friends, money (lol), and a bit of myself. 

New year resolutions are never kept but I'll try my best. 

In 2017, I hope to die. Okay I'm kidding. 

In 2017, I want to travel more, adventurously. To be not restricted by just what I know about the place, but really to explore and be spontaneous. 

In 2017, I want to stop being so tight up about the rules and regulations that I made for myself, to live a more carefree and not be so OCD about things in general.

In 2017, I want a healthier body, a fitter and leaner body, a body that I am proud of. 

In 2017, I wish things will get better. Much much better.  

/

Tell me which was the wrong step that I took that led me to this point of my life right now?

Tell me what can I do now to undo every wrong?

Tell me because once again, I'm stuck in this endless rut they call life.

Death, I hate you.

I can't stop being greedy and wishing you were alive again. 

Today was the first time in my 24 years of living that I saw my grandma, my favourite person in the world, cry. It broke my heart.

5 days ago, when I saw you lying there, when the fact of your passing finally hit me, I think that's when I lost it. I cried, even though I was preparing myself for this since a month ago. 

5 days of funeral affairs left me exhausted and numbed me of the fact of your passing. So when today has finally come to an end, the end to your existence, I finally broke down. I think it's because I miss you before the illness you took you away. 

I miss you yeye. I miss you teasing me with my name. I miss you singing the stupid song teasing me. I miss you in your silly boxers, embarrassing me in front of my friends. I miss you coming back home drunk in the afternoon. I miss seeing you before you weren't you. 

It scares me, how much a person can change, without their knowing. Time has a good way to steal the person you love. But I know I can't be greedy, because you were really suffering, having difficulties to even breathe, so there's no other way to let you live. I'm just glad that you're freed of all that, and that you left in your home, that we were all there for you. 

I know if you're alive, and looking at me cry, you'd laugh and told me not to. Because that's the way you are. You'd hate all these fuss and know that we love you anyways even though none of us really say it. But you'd know. 

And if this is how I'm reacting to your passing, then it really scares me, how would I act if my grandma pass away. I just can't. It scares me too much that I want to die before anyone else I love die. 

Rest in peace, yeye. I love you, thank you for raising me up with grandma all these years. Thank you for all you've done for this family of mine. Thank you for being the yeye I love.

Internal Conflicts

Have strength.

I've been on a korean drama binge for god knows what reason.

Maybe to escape from reality.

Drove pass your place twice yesterday, didn't feel anything except a ton of memories of how I let myself be treated inhumanely by you and being shamed and embarrassed every time I saw you.

Today's your birthday. I didn't realize it until I got a sudden curiosity to check it on Facebook. Funny how this time last year, I was hesitant to wish you with mixed feelings. But still, I'm glad.

Thought about you a few days back, of our happy memories, and then scolded myself for it. Even if you were bad to me, I'm happy you're good to her. For her, maybe.

This... strong feeling to ignore everyone and just do my own thing, be it just rotting at home and doing nothing. The best kind of therapy but I'm slowly losing myself, to me. I can't help but slowly detest everyone I know, because every time I ease up, there's bound to be something happening.

Sometimes, I feel it's best.. if I disappear. Without pain, without regrets. Just be gone.

11

The same end, a better beginning.

That's what I'm hoping for.

I'll take this chance to spend more time with the people I love, to treasure them before it's too late. It's scary, what time can do. It takes more and more before you know, you've nothing.

Then it'll be the same.

Who would have thought?

Is this the life I've wanted or dreamt of?