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Tell me which was the wrong step that I took that led me to this point of my life right now?

Tell me what can I do now to undo every wrong?

Tell me because once again, I'm stuck in this endless rut they call life.

Death, I hate you.

I can't stop being greedy and wishing you were alive again. 

Today was the first time in my 24 years of living that I saw my grandma, my favourite person in the world, cry. It broke my heart.

5 days ago, when I saw you lying there, when the fact of your passing finally hit me, I think that's when I lost it. I cried, even though I was preparing myself for this since a month ago. 

5 days of funeral affairs left me exhausted and numbed me of the fact of your passing. So when today has finally come to an end, the end to your existence, I finally broke down. I think it's because I miss you before the illness you took you away. 

I miss you yeye. I miss you teasing me with my name. I miss you singing the stupid song teasing me. I miss you in your silly boxers, embarrassing me in front of my friends. I miss you coming back home drunk in the afternoon. I miss seeing you before you weren't you. 

It scares me, how much a person can change, without their knowing. Time has a good way to steal the person you love. But I know I can't be greedy, because you were really suffering, having difficulties to even breathe, so there's no other way to let you live. I'm just glad that you're freed of all that, and that you left in your home, that we were all there for you. 

I know if you're alive, and looking at me cry, you'd laugh and told me not to. Because that's the way you are. You'd hate all these fuss and know that we love you anyways even though none of us really say it. But you'd know. 

And if this is how I'm reacting to your passing, then it really scares me, how would I act if my grandma pass away. I just can't. It scares me too much that I want to die before anyone else I love die. 

Rest in peace, yeye. I love you, thank you for raising me up with grandma all these years. Thank you for all you've done for this family of mine. Thank you for being the yeye I love.

Internal Conflicts

Have strength.

I've been on a korean drama binge for god knows what reason.

Maybe to escape from reality.

Drove pass your place twice yesterday, didn't feel anything except a ton of memories of how I let myself be treated inhumanely by you and being shamed and embarrassed every time I saw you.

Today's your birthday. I didn't realize it until I got a sudden curiosity to check it on Facebook. Funny how this time last year, I was hesitant to wish you with mixed feelings. But still, I'm glad.

Thought about you a few days back, of our happy memories, and then scolded myself for it. Even if you were bad to me, I'm happy you're good to her. For her, maybe.

This... strong feeling to ignore everyone and just do my own thing, be it just rotting at home and doing nothing. The best kind of therapy but I'm slowly losing myself, to me. I can't help but slowly detest everyone I know, because every time I ease up, there's bound to be something happening.

Sometimes, I feel it's best.. if I disappear. Without pain, without regrets. Just be gone.

11

The same end, a better beginning.

That's what I'm hoping for.

I'll take this chance to spend more time with the people I love, to treasure them before it's too late. It's scary, what time can do. It takes more and more before you know, you've nothing.

Then it'll be the same.

Who would have thought?

Is this the life I've wanted or dreamt of?

My my my

I'm losing myself, to me.

I'm changing myself, without me knowing, to someone else other than me. Or am I simply, just changing to me?

Vietnam '16

9 days in Vietnam saw me throwing random tantrums, being bored with a city, falling head first while naked from a bathtub, spending 22 hours on a bus within a span of 3 days, trekking on dangerous valleys and mountains for roughly 8 hours, regretting being bored with a city, genuinely disgusted by the nature of people, kayaking for the first time in Halong Bay, sleeping in conditions that shouldn't even be allowed, giving up on my own hygiene and never being so glad and appreciative of my own bed.

Trying.

It's currently day 2 of CNY and I'm glad that I was excited for CNY this year, as compared to most of the years before that. Probably because I was too obsessed with posting the right picture on Instagram (alright, I still am but so much less now) or being too heartbroken over guys (why do I always get my heart broken right before CNY?). I gambled so much more this year, especially with my relatives, which is kinda fun though the small amount. But time really passes quickly when you're gambling.

Setting a new tone for the new year, I want to start living in the now rather than being distracted by any online platforms. I'll try.

Current Wishlist:
1) A new camera
2) A well fitted denim jacket
3) A pair of shoes that can match with most outfits