I've never been able to imagine how my wedding would be, maybe just bits and puzzles of it forming but not the whole actual event. Morbidly I've always knew how I've wanted to die - drowning. I think it's just because I've always loved the waters, so much so that dying in it wasn't scary to me, it was just... that.
Then today while eating my cereal, I realized I've actually made up plenty of boxes in my head how I want my future half to be. Needs to know and speak Cantonese, walks up to my speed etc etc. Add one more to the list, picks out the marshmallow bits in the Lucky Charms cereal for me. Then I realized that it's horribly unrealistic, my list for the future him. How sad.
Saturday, July 18, 2015
Sunday, July 5, 2015
Jonathan Safran Foer
"She was like a drowning person, flailing, reaching for anything that might save her. Her life was an urgent, desperate struggle to justify her life."
I've always wondered what justifies one's life and most recently, I've came to the conclusion that it's most likely love. When you're in love, or have love, most people feel accomplished and fulfilled. For others, it might be wealth, career, family, health or even, for the greedy ones, all of it. But it's most apparent reason to justify your life, love. When you have love, you have everything. That's the cliche, ain't it?
I've craved for love and loathed love, sometimes both at the same time. I've hated love when I'm not in love, because I realize how cheesy I can be and how much I've disliked myself when I'm apart from that person I was when in love. I've craved for love when I'm not in it, because I'm selfish and I'm aware that maybe, I just wanted the attention of being wanted. That disgusts me, because I don't think that's how love is supposed to be. I can't find a balancing point to which I can judge the difference between wanting someone and wanting that particular someone.
I hate the fact that for me, it's always love that justifies my life, to give it purpose, meaning and light to the future. I've always wanted to change that about myself because love is not practical. It will always leave you, it will always crumble and it will always disappoint you no matter what. I may sound like a cynic, but I've always found comfort in being practical though my heart usually speaks louder than my brain. That is the conflict that I'm struggling with.
I just wanted to clear my head, empty my thoughts into somewhere nobody can judge so that I can stop carrying all these meanings in my head.
I've always wondered what justifies one's life and most recently, I've came to the conclusion that it's most likely love. When you're in love, or have love, most people feel accomplished and fulfilled. For others, it might be wealth, career, family, health or even, for the greedy ones, all of it. But it's most apparent reason to justify your life, love. When you have love, you have everything. That's the cliche, ain't it?
I've craved for love and loathed love, sometimes both at the same time. I've hated love when I'm not in love, because I realize how cheesy I can be and how much I've disliked myself when I'm apart from that person I was when in love. I've craved for love when I'm not in it, because I'm selfish and I'm aware that maybe, I just wanted the attention of being wanted. That disgusts me, because I don't think that's how love is supposed to be. I can't find a balancing point to which I can judge the difference between wanting someone and wanting that particular someone.
I hate the fact that for me, it's always love that justifies my life, to give it purpose, meaning and light to the future. I've always wanted to change that about myself because love is not practical. It will always leave you, it will always crumble and it will always disappoint you no matter what. I may sound like a cynic, but I've always found comfort in being practical though my heart usually speaks louder than my brain. That is the conflict that I'm struggling with.
I just wanted to clear my head, empty my thoughts into somewhere nobody can judge so that I can stop carrying all these meanings in my head.
Recent Thoughts
Someone who listens, who understands, who makes me laugh.
I think that's the top 3 traits that I look for in a guy right now. Though honestly, a guy's not what I'm looking for this year. Told myself that I'll abstain from the opposite sex this year, that it'll be a boys-free year for 2015 but somehow I just can't stop myself from playing with fire. Though the feeling's not new, but I'll get through this shit again considering how "faint" it is. Never would I thought that the guy I eye-candied, I'll end up kissing. Life sure has a way of fucking you around. But whatever, it has to be over now.
Finished the series "You're the Worst" yesterday and I must say, in this warped mind of mine, I secretly strive to look for dysfunctional relationships like that. Though I'm not sure if I'll regret it if it really happened to me, but to find someone who can be so fucking honest with you, it's rare no?
Anyways, a little update. Time seems to fly pass real quick this year, it's already the start of July. Guess it's probably because of work, haven't really been committed to anything for more than 3 months for a job and this time, I lasted for 6 months. Hopefully this new one takes me to longer terms and more new experiences. But so far so good, no over time, good learning opportunities and lovely colleagues. Fingers crossed :)
Right now, I'm just really looking forward to BKK in August, seems like it's a yearly thing to head over to BKK but I ain't complaining. It's been too long since my last holiday.
I think that's the top 3 traits that I look for in a guy right now. Though honestly, a guy's not what I'm looking for this year. Told myself that I'll abstain from the opposite sex this year, that it'll be a boys-free year for 2015 but somehow I just can't stop myself from playing with fire. Though the feeling's not new, but I'll get through this shit again considering how "faint" it is. Never would I thought that the guy I eye-candied, I'll end up kissing. Life sure has a way of fucking you around. But whatever, it has to be over now.
Finished the series "You're the Worst" yesterday and I must say, in this warped mind of mine, I secretly strive to look for dysfunctional relationships like that. Though I'm not sure if I'll regret it if it really happened to me, but to find someone who can be so fucking honest with you, it's rare no?
Anyways, a little update. Time seems to fly pass real quick this year, it's already the start of July. Guess it's probably because of work, haven't really been committed to anything for more than 3 months for a job and this time, I lasted for 6 months. Hopefully this new one takes me to longer terms and more new experiences. But so far so good, no over time, good learning opportunities and lovely colleagues. Fingers crossed :)
Right now, I'm just really looking forward to BKK in August, seems like it's a yearly thing to head over to BKK but I ain't complaining. It's been too long since my last holiday.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)