The carousel never stops turning.

I know I'm being stupid, wanting what I can't have just because I can't have it. It's a bad habit that I've been doing since young. It's the worst habit but I'm trying.

Trying to change and just be contented with what I have, not what I could have. Because could is not healthy, it's not realistic, it's not practical and it's definitely not helping.

So I'm trying. This might be the last post of 2015, and I had very high hopes for 2015. No boys, just career and work. I guess I sort of did it, worked the longest I could (6 months, not long by any standards, but still, long enough) and now, 5 months ongoing and I've still *not really* have had any thoughts of resigning. Just many many many thoughts of a long holiday on a beach, getting the sun and my booze. But still, not bad, if I could say so.

Not really a big fan of resolutions because you'll just end up breaking them and going back to your old habits, but I guess if there's a goal to work towards to in 2016, it'd be to be free. Of any inhibitions, any high expectations and of my own emotions. I'd like to be free, spiritually and physically. To feel that level of peacefulness in myself and not let my emotions be swayed by anything or anyone. I guess that's really the goal to my life.

Alright, 2016, I'm ready for you.

Vulnerable.

I wish someone could read my mind and know what I want, though I'd probably have to eat my words because being predictable is not something you'd actually want. But it's been too long being unheard and yeah, whatever.

Left my phone at the office... AGAIN. Dumbass.

/

Under a gigantic amount of stress from trying to be enough for everyone.

Break

Drinking 5 days over a span of a week is not funny. I didn't even realise how much I was drinking until I realise, and it is not funny. It is not me, and it is not funny. I will stop.

Cleaned out my wardrobe and cleared out some old kicks over the weekend, hard thing to do but had to be done. Too much clutter and I need my head to be cleared and cleaned.

I deserve a guy who calls me and talk instead of messaging me on Facebook late at night to talk. I deserve someone who wants to see me frequently instead of someone who asks me to wait. I deserve someone who cares about me instead of someone who only asks about me when I initiate contact. I deserve someone real, someone who will be there and someone who cares. I know I do, everyone does. So I wait, I wait for him to appear, I wait patiently. Meanwhile, I need to be happy, for me.

Not fine, not okay. But happy.

I'll be my own savior

I'm not fine. I'm not okay. But I will be fine, I will be okay, soon.

Because this is what I do. I always find a way to be fine, to be okay.

But for now, I really can't be alone with my thoughts. My deadly, deadly thoughts.

and I'll see you again,

October, you've been kind. Much kinder than the previous Octobers I've had. Thank you for not letting me dread my own birthday so much as I did with the last few.

Anyways, been talking to a few friends about being attached and being single (haha), because it seems like every last jerk in the planet has managed to find themselves someone to tolerate them and I am still.. single as fuck. But I chose to be that way so no complaints there. Just.. bored? So that really just makes me realise that I shouldn't be fucking around with others just because I'm bored and not ready. Otherwise it'll be another mess I'll have to clean up and life's too much of a mess.

Been re-watching Grey's Anatomy and all them feels just came gushing back up to me. Crazy enough, I was watching an episode last night with the ending of Meredith breaking down and it made me want to break down after it ended. I am crazy.


I am crazy I am crazy I am crazy. And fat.

Just a little more.

First gym session on Sunday in about probably... 2-3 years? Feeling all sorts of burns + aches today as the aftermath but I ain't complaining, except that I'm doing a lot of moving about during work these days that I think maybe... I should stretch more.

I'm really really really (there, I said it thrice) determined to lose weight this time around. No more half-hearted 'okay I will continue tomorrow I promise' to patronize myself for my laziness. I will, must and can lose weight. At least to a healthier weight, not this alarming number that I see on the scale. Exercise at least 5 times a week, give in to my unhealthy indulges on the remaining two and hopefully, results will be apparent and satisfactory.

Anyways, can you believe it? After near to 2 years of bumming around, job-hopping without lasting till the probation period, I finally found the job that I want to progress in, a job that challenges my creativity and good learning curve. With colleagues that I sincerely like and can get along with. I'm also officially a 6:30am morning person. I can't sleep past 9am nowadays and I honestly think it might be a curse, because even though I can fall asleep at 10pm, I always manage to wake up around 1am just to fiddle with my phone, which is really annoying, but whatever. Cheers to waking up at 6am instead of coming home and sleeping at 8am.

Less than a month to my birthday, and I'm DREADING it because nothing good ever happens on my birthday. Not a suspicious person but this, I truly believe in. But October is still my favourite month despite that damned day.

Discovering yourself

I've come to a realization that I'm actually much more anti-social than I want but it's okay. Everyone's on their own anyways.

/

Starting afresh, with the people who don't matter. I've never been so clear now, thank you.

Imagination

I've never been able to imagine how my wedding would be, maybe just bits and puzzles of it forming but not the whole actual event. Morbidly I've always knew how I've wanted to die - drowning. I think it's just because I've always loved the waters, so much so that dying in it wasn't scary to me, it was just... that.

Then today while eating my cereal, I realized I've actually made up plenty of boxes in my head how I want my future half to be. Needs to know and speak Cantonese, walks up to my speed etc etc. Add one more to the list, picks out the marshmallow bits in the Lucky Charms cereal for me. Then I realized that it's horribly unrealistic, my list for the future him. How sad.

Jonathan Safran Foer

"She was like a drowning person, flailing, reaching for anything that might save her. Her life was an urgent, desperate struggle to justify her life."

I've always wondered what justifies one's life and most recently, I've came to the conclusion that it's most likely love. When you're in love, or have love, most people feel accomplished and fulfilled. For others, it might be wealth, career, family, health or even, for the greedy ones, all of it. But it's most apparent reason to justify your life, love. When you have love, you have everything. That's the cliche, ain't it?

I've craved for love and loathed love, sometimes both at the same time. I've hated love when I'm not in love, because I realize how cheesy I can be and how much I've disliked myself when I'm apart from that person I was when in love. I've craved for love when I'm not in it, because I'm selfish and I'm aware that maybe, I just wanted the attention of being wanted. That disgusts me, because I don't think that's how love is supposed to be. I can't find a balancing point to which I can judge the difference between wanting someone and wanting that particular someone.

I hate the fact that for me, it's always love that justifies my life, to give it purpose, meaning and light to the future. I've always wanted to change that about myself because love is not practical. It will always leave you, it will always crumble and it will always disappoint you no matter what. I may sound like a cynic, but I've always found comfort in being practical though my heart usually speaks louder than my brain. That is the conflict that I'm struggling with.

I just wanted to clear my head, empty my thoughts into somewhere nobody can judge so that I can stop carrying all these meanings in my head.

Recent Thoughts

Someone who listens, who understands, who makes me laugh.

I think that's the top 3 traits that I look for in a guy right now. Though honestly, a guy's not what I'm looking for this year. Told myself that I'll abstain from the opposite sex this year, that it'll be a boys-free year for 2015 but somehow I just can't stop myself from playing with fire. Though the feeling's not new, but I'll get through this shit again considering how "faint" it is. Never would I thought that the guy I eye-candied, I'll end up kissing. Life sure has a way of fucking you around. But whatever, it has to be over now. 

Finished the series "You're the Worst" yesterday and I must say, in this warped mind of mine, I secretly strive to look for dysfunctional relationships like that. Though I'm not sure if I'll regret it if it really happened to me, but to find someone who can be so fucking honest with you, it's rare no?

Anyways, a little update. Time seems to fly pass real quick this year, it's already the start of July. Guess it's probably because of work, haven't really been committed to anything for more than 3 months for a job and this time, I lasted for 6 months. Hopefully this new one takes me to longer terms and more new experiences. But so far so good, no over time, good learning opportunities and lovely colleagues. Fingers crossed :)

Right now, I'm just really looking forward to BKK in August, seems like it's a yearly thing to head over to BKK but I ain't complaining. It's been too long since my last holiday.

Thank God

Why am I still doing things that make me unhappy? Thank God there's just 2 more days of this shit, then I'm out.

My period's probably around the corner, that explains all the feels.

/

We think with our wants, instead of our needs, thus forcing us to be so fickle with our choices. How privileged are we to be able to consider what we want before what we need.

Both a blessing and a curse.

Break

Isn't it about time I get my holiday?

/

Solitary is what I crave for most days, times where I can tune out and not listen or try to please anyone, to just relax and do what I want.

I crave.

Belong

I want your Monday morning

sleep soaked eyes

dream drenched voice,

lazy bones

‘five more minutes please babe.’

I want your Tuesday afternoon

coffee break,

glasses off,
laughter on

‘just hold me for a while

it’s been a hard day.’

I want your Wednesday evening

fingers through hair

teeth nibbling nails

neck craning, 
eye glazing

‘this paperwork never ends’

I want your Thursday night

drinks for two

bones unbind

muscles let loose

flats, slacks,

‘just me and you’

I want your finally Friday

stretch soul smile,

sun sipping light

from the glaciers in your eyes

fingers unfurl, 
hand extends

‘c’mon babe, lets go wild’

I want your weekend,
your movie marathon Saturday

reading by the fireplace

kissing in the blankets


I want your Sunday morning

orange juice and pancakes

white sheets, tender skin

hair like the Fourth of July

‘let’s not get out of bed today.’

I want your ordinary

and your stress, rest, release

I want your bad day and that terrible night

I want you drunk in my arms

forgetting the place but never my name

I want your lazy and your lonely

and your fist full of fight

I want you everyday

in every way

for the rest of my life.

- On Both Knees

New year, new start.

Time to know whether I'll make or break it.

Ok, I'm kidding. I'm going to make it, I fucking swear.