2014

Here's my cheesy post to sum up 2014.


2014 was almost like 2013, except it was maybe 1.5 times better.

I think my favorite part of it was that I got to travel a lot, to places that's so beautiful that it's unreal. The worst part was that I've lost some "friends", though I'm not sure they're even friends to begin with but I'm just glad they're out of my life now. I'm thankful for those who've stayed, my constants, the quality ones.

I'm really excited and looking forward to 2015, because of my new job which I hope that I can make a career out of it. And no boys, just focus on my career though I know it's still too early to say that. So for 2015, I think all I want out of it is more firsts, more awesome trips, a healthier lifestyle and of course, more money.

/

Honestly, there's nothing you can say that I haven't already insulted myself with. But yeah, go ahead and try. Let's see what new shit you can come up with.

11:39 PM

Currently tipsy on my favourite poison because I can't wrap my head around what happened yesterday. What happened? What happened is that you're still the same condescending, rude, pretentious, lying asshole that you were 2 years back. I've never been able to pinpoint an exact moment where I felt enough warmth from you that lets me know that oh, this is why I like you so much. I've only felt.. dislike, disdain, dis-everything because all you've done is let me down, made me feel unworthy of myself and just, yeah. But despite everything, I still can't stop thinking about you, what you've done and what could have been done. I might like you alot, way more than I should, but I just hate your pathetic self right now.

So, anyways, the point of this article isn't to address the same lame problem I've had for the past 2 years, but more of, can I start over? Can I start to pick the people I want to stay in my life, to stay? Can I? Do I have that choice?

This is probably as honest as it can get.

/

Funny how things change all the time, yet sometimes not at all.

Taiwan '14

Taiwan, you've been nothing short of amazing. Shopping, food, mountains and the sea, the fucking sea. You are beautiful. I'll be back, trust me.

Favourite, for now.

Time

You were the one I wanted most to stay.
But time could not be kept at bay.
The more it goes, the more it's gone - the more it takes away.

Bangkok '14

Bangkok's always going to be magical no matter who you go with. The ultimate country to go when you need to feel like royalty.

Yogyakarta '14

Beautiful place rich with culture and heritage, I'm glad I got to experience it in the best way possible.

Escape

3 countries in 2 months, let's go.

x

You are so ridiculous in so many levels.

History

I’m smart enough to know that when I fall, I fall hard because I give everything 100%, including love. Which is why I never told you no, never gave up when you disappeared for weeks at a time, and never deleted your number even though I probably should have after you rejected every attempt I made to see you before midnight. But I’m also strong, and a strong, smart girl is a lethal combination. I convinced myself I was strong enough not to need your constant presence, and somewhere in the process of talking myself into letting myself love you, this combination of strong and smart that you were supposed to respect and admire backfired and took me down.

Old fashioned love

I'll keep you in my heart but till then, I'll do whatever I want because I've got a feeling you're still far away.

Focus.

Letting go doesn't mean we don't care. Letting go doesn't mean we shut down. Letting go means we stop trying to force outcomes and make people behave. It means we give up resistance to the way things are, for the moment. It means we stop trying to do the impossible - controlling that which we cannot - and instead, focus on what is possible.

It's starting.

I'm fucked.

Lost Stars

Been listening to the soundtrack of Begin Again and random thoughts just started to pop up in my head, mostly sad ones. Sigh, I wish I could just rewind back to simpler times when I didn't have so much in my head, and just wanted to have fun and enjoy myself.

"God, give us the reason,
youth is wasted on the young."

Fact

When you choose to make the same mistakes again, you're just being dumb. Real dumb because you're already aware of the consequences that follows but yet, you still chose to do the same thing.

Thank God I didn't go down that path again.

Overthinking,

welcome back.

For the first time

I feel like I should be clear of who my friends are at this point, but that line is blurry and I'm honestly upset at those who aren't.

Be strong

I remember he told me once 'trust no one but yourself', then thinking to myself, such harsh last words.

But it's only now till I realize the awful truth to those words.

Thank you for teaching me to be as cold and honest as you were.

不知道为什么会想起你，
也不知道为什么想到你就想哭，
然后觉得自己很笨。

就是这样。

/

I've started teaching art to kids from June and after working for 6 days straight, I have my only off day tomorrow. Teaching kids is such a mentally draining thing to do, not only do you have to repeat yourself a million times, you have to get their attention and get them to do what is needed. That alone is not difficult, what's harder is I'm teaching art. It's so messy and chaotic.

But even though I feel so mentally drained and physically exhausted, it doesn't really feel like work teaching them. It's just really fun to watch them draw, paint and do their clay. Well, that might not be the case for the next 2 weeks cause we're going to do sewing next. 4-10 years old + needles + threads = goodluck Fanny.

Raw Thoughts

I've always been wondering about the meaning of life for like 2 years now and up till date, I've been feeling the same. There's honestly no meaning. I've always feel that after you die, your thoughts, your memories, your everything cease to exist. So whatever you do right now, till you die, it won't be carried on in your mind or thoughts, all of it just exists because you feel good or right at that moment.

I'm not being cynical, or depressed but just, my raw, honest thoughts. I honestly feel that there's no meaning to living a fullest life because you can't remember any shit after you die. So everything I do now, is for this moment alone but most recently, I don't even see the point of doing anything. I'm guessing that's why I can't focus on something for long because I don't see the point.

The only reason why I don't end my life any sooner is because I'm a coward. I'm afraid of how upset my loved ones would feel and most importantly, how painful it would be no matter which way I choose to die. There's bound to be a slight moment of pain before you cease to feel and exist.

But how good it would be to just stop feeling, and cease to exist.

Different

My dear friend, if you are reading this, I miss you.

I miss being able to be comfortable with you regardless of any situations. I miss talking, whining, bitching to you about all my deepest secrets. I miss seeing you in the top of my whatsapp. I miss hanging out with you and just chilling with you. I miss your advices that you would give. I miss just being myself with you.

But I think this is just one sided. I'm sorry I was willful, rash and stupid. I'm sorry I can't move on.

Because I should.

Mayday

Currently obsessed with old school dramas like meteor garden (taiwan version of course), and old failures like how i still don't know what to do with my life.

The Scientist

I wonder if I'll be happier if I was skinnier, richer, prettier, or just better in the smallest ways.

Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start

Acceptance

I've stopped with the pills two days ago because I realised that that's actually the source of my heart problems, amongst other health issues.

And I've come to accept the fact that maybe I'm not meant to be thin as a stick, or I can keep everyone I want in my life, that it's actually a two way street.

2014

Motto for the new year,

"Your life is not an episode of Skins. Things will never look quite as good as they do in a faded, sun-drenched Polaroid; your days are not an editorial from Lula. Your life is not a Sofia Coppola movie, or a Chuck Palahniuk novel, or a Charles Bukowski poem. Grace Coddington isn’t your creative director. Bon Iver and Joy Division don’t play softly in the background at appropriate moments. Your hysterical teenage diary isn’t a work of art. Your room probably isn’t Selby material. Your life isn’t a Tumblr screencap. Every word that comes out of your mouth will not be beautiful and poignant, infinitely quotable. Your pain will not be pretty. Crying till you vomit is always shit. You cannot romanticize hurt. Or sadness. Or loneliness. You will have homework, and hangovers and bad hair days. The train being late won’t lead to any fateful encounters, it will make you late. Sometimes your work will suck. Sometimes you will suck. Far too often, everything will suck - and not in a Wes Anderson kind of way. And there is no divine consolation - only the knowledge that we will hopefully experience the full spectrum - and that sometimes, just sometimes, life will feel like a Coppola film."

Just live in the moment and enjoy whatever you're doing.

And I've got just one major new year resolution which hopefully I'll be able to achieve
- Lose as much weight as possible