My my my

I'm losing myself, to me.

I'm changing myself, without me knowing, to someone else other than me. Or am I simply, just changing to me?

Vietnam '16

9 days in Vietnam saw me throwing random tantrums, being bored with a city, falling head first while naked from a bathtub, spending 22 hours on a bus within a span of 3 days, trekking on dangerous valleys and mountains for roughly 8 hours, regretting being bored with a city, genuinely disgusted by the nature of people, kayaking for the first time in Halong Bay, sleeping in conditions that shouldn't even be allowed, giving up on my own hygiene and never being so glad and appreciative of my own bed.

Trying.

It's currently day 2 of CNY and I'm glad that I was excited for CNY this year, as compared to most of the years before that. Probably because I was too obsessed with posting the right picture on Instagram (alright, I still am but so much less now) or being too heartbroken over guys (why do I always get my heart broken right before CNY?). I gambled so much more this year, especially with my relatives, which is kinda fun though the small amount. But time really passes quickly when you're gambling.

Setting a new tone for the new year, I want to start living in the now rather than being distracted by any online platforms. I'll try.

Current Wishlist:
1) A new camera
2) A well fitted denim jacket
3) A pair of shoes that can match with most outfits

The carousel never stops turning.

I know I'm being stupid, wanting what I can't have just because I can't have it. It's a bad habit that I've been doing since young. It's the worst habit but I'm trying.

Trying to change and just be contented with what I have, not what I could have. Because could is not healthy, it's not realistic, it's not practical and it's definitely not helping.

So I'm trying. This might be the last post of 2015, and I had very high hopes for 2015. No boys, just career and work. I guess I sort of did it, worked the longest I could (6 months, not long by any standards, but still, long enough) and now, 5 months ongoing and I've still *not really* have had any thoughts of resigning. Just many many many thoughts of a long holiday on a beach, getting the sun and my booze. But still, not bad, if I could say so.

Not really a big fan of resolutions because you'll just end up breaking them and going back to your old habits, but I guess if there's a goal to work towards to in 2016, it'd be to be free. Of any inhibitions, any high expectations and of my own emotions. I'd like to be free, spiritually and physically. To feel that level of peacefulness in myself and not let my emotions be swayed by anything or anyone. I guess that's really the goal to my life.

Alright, 2016, I'm ready for you.

Vulnerable.

I wish someone could read my mind and know what I want, though I'd probably have to eat my words because being predictable is not something you'd actually want. But it's been too long being unheard and yeah, whatever.

Left my phone at the office... AGAIN. Dumbass.

/

Under a gigantic amount of stress from trying to be enough for everyone.

Break

Drinking 5 days over a span of a week is not funny. I didn't even realise how much I was drinking until I realise, and it is not funny. It is not me, and it is not funny. I will stop.

Cleaned out my wardrobe and cleared out some old kicks over the weekend, hard thing to do but had to be done. Too much clutter and I need my head to be cleared and cleaned.

I deserve a guy who calls me and talk instead of messaging me on Facebook late at night to talk. I deserve someone who wants to see me frequently instead of someone who asks me to wait. I deserve someone who cares about me instead of someone who only asks about me when I initiate contact. I deserve someone real, someone who will be there and someone who cares. I know I do, everyone does. So I wait, I wait for him to appear, I wait patiently. Meanwhile, I need to be happy, for me.

Not fine, not okay. But happy.