Break

Drinking 5 days over a span of a week is not funny. I didn't even realise how much I was drinking until I realise, and it is not funny. It is not me, and it is not funny. I will stop.

Cleaned out my wardrobe and cleared out some old kicks over the weekend, hard thing to do but had to be done. Too much clutter and I need my head to be cleared and cleaned.

I deserve a guy who calls me and talk instead of messaging me on Facebook late at night to talk. I deserve someone who wants to see me frequently instead of someone who asks me to wait. I deserve someone who cares about me instead of someone who only asks about me when I initiate contact. I deserve someone real, someone who will be there and someone who cares. I know I do, everyone does. So I wait, I wait for him to appear, I wait patiently. Meanwhile, I need to be happy, for me.

Not fine, not okay. But happy.

I'll be my own savior

I'm not fine. I'm not okay. But I will be fine, I will be okay, soon.

Because this is what I do. I always find a way to be fine, to be okay.

But for now, I really can't be alone with my thoughts. My deadly, deadly thoughts.

and I'll see you again,

October, you've been kind. Much kinder than the previous Octobers I've had. Thank you for not letting me dread my own birthday so much as I did with the last few.

Anyways, been talking to a few friends about being attached and being single (haha), because it seems like every last jerk in the planet has managed to find themselves someone to tolerate them and I am still.. single as fuck. But I chose to be that way so no complaints there. Just.. bored? So that really just makes me realise that I shouldn't be fucking around with others just because I'm bored and not ready. Otherwise it'll be another mess I'll have to clean up and life's too much of a mess.

Been re-watching Grey's Anatomy and all them feels just came gushing back up to me. Crazy enough, I was watching an episode last night with the ending of Meredith breaking down and it made me want to break down after it ended. I am crazy.


I am crazy I am crazy I am crazy. And fat.

Just a little more.

First gym session on Sunday in about probably... 2-3 years? Feeling all sorts of burns + aches today as the aftermath but I ain't complaining, except that I'm doing a lot of moving about during work these days that I think maybe... I should stretch more.

I'm really really really (there, I said it thrice) determined to lose weight this time around. No more half-hearted 'okay I will continue tomorrow I promise' to patronize myself for my laziness. I will, must and can lose weight. At least to a healthier weight, not this alarming number that I see on the scale. Exercise at least 5 times a week, give in to my unhealthy indulges on the remaining two and hopefully, results will be apparent and satisfactory.

Anyways, can you believe it? After near to 2 years of bumming around, job-hopping without lasting till the probation period, I finally found the job that I want to progress in, a job that challenges my creativity and good learning curve. With colleagues that I sincerely like and can get along with. I'm also officially a 6:30am morning person. I can't sleep past 9am nowadays and I honestly think it might be a curse, because even though I can fall asleep at 10pm, I always manage to wake up around 1am just to fiddle with my phone, which is really annoying, but whatever. Cheers to waking up at 6am instead of coming home and sleeping at 8am.

Less than a month to my birthday, and I'm DREADING it because nothing good ever happens on my birthday. Not a suspicious person but this, I truly believe in. But October is still my favourite month despite that damned day.

Discovering yourself

I've come to a realization that I'm actually much more anti-social than I want but it's okay. Everyone's on their own anyways.

/

Starting afresh, with the people who don't matter. I've never been so clear now, thank you.

Imagination

I've never been able to imagine how my wedding would be, maybe just bits and puzzles of it forming but not the whole actual event. Morbidly I've always knew how I've wanted to die - drowning. I think it's just because I've always loved the waters, so much so that dying in it wasn't scary to me, it was just... that.

Then today while eating my cereal, I realized I've actually made up plenty of boxes in my head how I want my future half to be. Needs to know and speak Cantonese, walks up to my speed etc etc. Add one more to the list, picks out the marshmallow bits in the Lucky Charms cereal for me. Then I realized that it's horribly unrealistic, my list for the future him. How sad.