For the first time

I feel like I should be clear of who my friends are at this point, but that line is blurry and I'm honestly upset at those who aren't.

Be strong

I remember he told me once 'trust no one but yourself', then thinking to myself, such harsh last words.

But it's only now till I realize the awful truth to those words.

Thank you for teaching me to be as cold and honest as you were.

不知道为什么会想起你，
也不知道为什么想到你就想哭，
然后觉得自己很笨。

就是这样。

/

I've started teaching art to kids from June and after working for 6 days straight, I have my only off day tomorrow. Teaching kids is such a mentally draining thing to do, not only do you have to repeat yourself a million times, you have to get their attention and get them to do what is needed. That alone is not difficult, what's harder is I'm teaching art. It's so messy and chaotic.

But even though I feel so mentally drained and physically exhausted, it doesn't really feel like work teaching them. It's just really fun to watch them draw, paint and do their clay. Well, that might not be the case for the next 2 weeks cause we're going to do sewing next. 4-10 years old + needles + threads = goodluck Fanny.

Raw Thoughts

I've always been wondering about the meaning of life for like 2 years now and up till date, I've been feeling the same. There's honestly no meaning. I've always feel that after you die, your thoughts, your memories, your everything cease to exist. So whatever you do right now, till you die, it won't be carried on in your mind or thoughts, all of it just exists because you feel good or right at that moment.

I'm not being cynical, or depressed but just, my raw, honest thoughts. I honestly feel that there's no meaning to living a fullest life because you can't remember any shit after you die. So everything I do now, is for this moment alone but most recently, I don't even see the point of doing anything. I'm guessing that's why I can't focus on something for long because I don't see the point.

The only reason why I don't end my life any sooner is because I'm a coward. I'm afraid of how upset my loved ones would feel and most importantly, how painful it would be no matter which way I choose to die. There's bound to be a slight moment of pain before you cease to feel and exist.

But how good it would be to just stop feeling, and cease to exist.

Different

My dear friend, if you are reading this, I miss you.

I miss being able to be comfortable with you regardless of any situations. I miss talking, whining, bitching to you about all my deepest secrets. I miss seeing you in the top of my whatsapp. I miss hanging out with you and just chilling with you. I miss your advices that you would give. I miss just being myself with you.

But I think this is just one sided. I'm sorry I was willful, rash and stupid. I'm sorry I can't move on.

Because I should.

Mayday

Currently obsessed with old school dramas like meteor garden (taiwan version of course), and old failures like how i still don't know what to do with my life.