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I've started teaching art to kids from June and after working for 6 days straight, I have my only off day tomorrow. Teaching kids is such a mentally draining thing to do, not only do you have to repeat yourself a million times, you have to get their attention and get them to do what is needed. That alone is not difficult, what's harder is I'm teaching art. It's so messy and chaotic.

But even though I feel so mentally drained and physically exhausted, it doesn't really feel like work teaching them. It's just really fun to watch them draw, paint and do their clay. Well, that might not be the case for the next 2 weeks cause we're going to do sewing next. 4-10 years old + needles + threads = goodluck Fanny.

Raw Thoughts

I've always been wondering about the meaning of life for like 2 years now and up till date, I've been feeling the same. There's honestly no meaning. I've always feel that after you die, your thoughts, your memories, your everything cease to exist. So whatever you do right now, till you die, it won't be carried on in your mind or thoughts, all of it just exists because you feel good or right at that moment.

I'm not being cynical, or depressed but just, my raw, honest thoughts. I honestly feel that there's no meaning to living a fullest life because you can't remember any shit after you die. So everything I do now, is for this moment alone but most recently, I don't even see the point of doing anything. I'm guessing that's why I can't focus on something for long because I don't see the point.

The only reason why I don't end my life any sooner is because I'm a coward. I'm afraid of how upset my loved ones would feel and most importantly, how painful it would be no matter which way I choose to die. There's bound to be a slight moment of pain before you cease to feel and exist.

But how good it would be to just stop feeling, and cease to exist.

Different

My dear friend, if you are reading this, I miss you.

I miss being able to be comfortable with you regardless of any situations. I miss talking, whining, bitching to you about all my deepest secrets. I miss seeing you in the top of my whatsapp. I miss hanging out with you and just chilling with you. I miss your advices that you would give. I miss just being myself with you.

But I think this is just one sided. I'm sorry I was willful, rash and stupid. I'm sorry I can't move on.

Because I should.

Mayday

Currently obsessed with old school dramas like meteor garden (taiwan version of course), and old failures like how i still don't know what to do with my life.

The Scientist

I wonder if I'll be happier if I was skinnier, richer, prettier, or just better in the smallest ways.

Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start

Acceptance

I've stopped with the pills two days ago because I realised that that's actually the source of my heart problems, amongst other health issues.

And I've come to accept the fact that maybe I'm not meant to be thin as a stick, or I can keep everyone I want in my life, that it's actually a two way street.

2014

Motto for the new year,

"Your life is not an episode of Skins. Things will never look quite as good as they do in a faded, sun-drenched Polaroid; your days are not an editorial from Lula. Your life is not a Sofia Coppola movie, or a Chuck Palahniuk novel, or a Charles Bukowski poem. Grace Coddington isn’t your creative director. Bon Iver and Joy Division don’t play softly in the background at appropriate moments. Your hysterical teenage diary isn’t a work of art. Your room probably isn’t Selby material. Your life isn’t a Tumblr screencap. Every word that comes out of your mouth will not be beautiful and poignant, infinitely quotable. Your pain will not be pretty. Crying till you vomit is always shit. You cannot romanticize hurt. Or sadness. Or loneliness. You will have homework, and hangovers and bad hair days. The train being late won’t lead to any fateful encounters, it will make you late. Sometimes your work will suck. Sometimes you will suck. Far too often, everything will suck - and not in a Wes Anderson kind of way. And there is no divine consolation - only the knowledge that we will hopefully experience the full spectrum - and that sometimes, just sometimes, life will feel like a Coppola film."

Just live in the moment and enjoy whatever you're doing.

And I've got just one major new year resolution which hopefully I'll be able to achieve
- Lose as much weight as possible