Die happy

x made cookies (but got really frustrated with the oven because there's something wrong with the heat so i had to throw away a lot of batches argh but glad everybody liked them)

x helped 4 boys create a sustainable designed dress (yes it was 4, i finally remembered)

x realized my memory is really bad nowadays (i couldn't even remember how many boys was in my group for the event JUST NOW and what i have on saturday)

x clubbed and i clubbed hard (and tons of shit went down that night, no joke but no judging)

x craving for some dimsum (shall persuade mum to hong xing tomorrow)

x am very inspired nowadays but (i am so lazy)

x addicted to alcohol (am finally getting used to hard liquor)

x went to church after a long time (and i want to continue weekly)

x bank account's depleting and (i want to try bartending lol)

x might work at bali if things work out (fingers crossed then double cross it)

i guess that's all. for now.

I've only known careless love

I guess, mostly, I just miss who I was when I'm with you. I took down all my walls, and let you define me, let you define my identity and now, I'm nothing.

/

I just want to drink but it sort of gives everything a reverse effect.

I should be more understand, but I just can't.

Against the world.

I just gotta accept it. Really, that's all.

/

I am going to conquer this song. As simple as that.

Sometimes.

I wonder how it feels like to always have the upper hand, to always be in control of things and to always be at the receiving end. To be absolutely nonchalant whenever you know the other party is giving their all for you. To just continue taking and taking whatever they are giving because you are selfish like that.

I really wonder, how it feels to be on the other side.

/

Ah, I have so many things I want to do. Gotta note them down and like, just do it.

And well, this is a waste of post, but I just felt like writing something at 3:34am.

Me.

As I'm typing this, I'm attempting to rap to B.O.B's Nothing On You. Ha. Me and rap.. it never works well.

Today was a day of many firsts.

First time watching a movie alone. The Descendants. It was good, like good good. Made me think about a lot of things, like if I was in his or her shoes, what would I be doing differently or maybe I'd be just the same? Thank God for the near to empty cinema because I think I cried like twice to myself, not that kind of.. breaking down crying, but those kind where you just get damn immersed into the movie and just followed their emotions. It was good.

And today was the first time since.. like 3/4 years since I've laughed till I lost control of my face and just, kept laughing till I teared up. I honestly have forgotten about how that felt like until just now. It felt so good, as though as I found myself. I love it.

Then today I tried Baileys for the first time and I love it so much. Sweet upon consumption, with a strong burning aftermath down your throat. Just the way I like it.

And finally.. for the first time in my life, I have a direction to work towards to.

I finally found me again. I'm going to try so hard, so fucking hard, to make this feeling last. Because this is, honestly, the best feeling that one should have.

More than anything,

I wish that I had a good voice..

But we all know that's not going to happen.

I bide my time, pick at the petals, play the good best friend. You ask me what I’m looking for and i outline you. You don’t recognize the shape; offer other names. You say my time will come, and I hope. I know this is how the world works, it would be funny if it wasn’t my heart. She is the weakness you think of as strength, while I am the strength you have no idea is there. I am the one who knows who you are. I want you to be happy and you could be with me.

With you

You're teaching me to be heartless, and I don't like it. I can't stand it. Really.

/

Most of the time, I just want to.. fast forward my life to the part where everything is just settling down fine, where everything is perfectly alright, that part where you know everything is just.. right. Yeah, bring me there.

/

Sometimes, I feel like Emma Morley, except that instead of having my Dexter Mayhew, I'd just get mayhem.

Oh well, but I think.. I think, I am much better now. You just got to ease your heart and learn to love yourself, be a little selfish, spend a little more on yourself and yeah, that's how you heal.

Slowly.

I lost myself, to you. Now I have to find me, for me.

Slowly realizing that losing you might just be the best thing that happened so far. And I'm not kidding.